But then there were the times that treatment was even more successful than we’d hoped. That a patient’s outcome was better than we could’ve ever envisioned. And those truly did feel like miracles.
“I guess I just wish some of those miracles had rubbed off on Derek. I feel like…” I swallowed hard, struggling to admit this. “I feel like I let him down.”
“Bryn.” Frasier’s voice broke. “You didn’t let him down.” When I didn’t say anything, Frasier held me tighter. “Youdidn’t. I need you to know that. Because no one thinks that.”
“Maybehethought that,” I whispered, confessing my deepest fear. “Maybe in his final moments, Derek wondered why I wasn’t there to help him.”
Frasier rubbed a hand over his eyes, clearing his throat before he spoke. “I can only believe that in his final moments, Derek was thinking of how much he loved you.”
I sobbed, soaking Frasier’s chest with my tears. I knew how much Derek had loved me. I had felt that love every day we were together, and even now, after he was gone. He was still with me, watching over me.
I clung to Frasier, and he held me, giving me the space to let it all out. To let go. All the while, he rubbed my back, whispering soothing words of support.
Eventually, when I had no more tears left, I let out a shaky sigh and rested my head against his chest, feeling calmer. I was emotionally wrung out, but it had been cathartic.
“Have you tried writing him letters?” Frasier asked.
“I…” I turned to look at him, only then realizing just how close our faces were. Our mouths. “No. Have you?”
He used his thumbs to dry my tears. Unlike my family, he didn’t look at me with pity, but understanding. We were in this together. And just that simple act made me feel less alone.
“If I’m really missing him or wish I could tell him something, I’ll call and listen to his voice on the phone before leaving a message.”
Somehow that did and didn’t surprise me, and I loved that Frasier wanted to continue talking to Derek, including him in his life, even if Derek was gone.
“Does it help?” I yawned, fighting to keep my eyes open.
“Sometimes, yeah.”
“Huh.” I hadn’t even thought to check Derek’s messages. I’d figured there was no point.
“But you could send him an email or write him a note. Whatever feels right to you.”
“And what would I do with it?” I asked, thinking it wasn’t as if I could actually give it to Derek.
“If it’s an email, send it to one of his old accounts. A letter—” He lifted a shoulder. “Keep it in a box or burn it. There are no rules.”
There are no rules,I thought. Wasn’t that the truth?
CHAPTER TWELVE
Iblinked my eyes open and stared up at the ceiling. I was tempted to stay in bed, but I knew I’d feel better if I got my workout in. Besides, if I didn’t go now, I wasn’t sure when I’d have time. We were supposed to go snorkeling this morning, though I doubted that Bryn or the rest of the Bride Tribe would be up to it after last night’s festivities. And then tonight was the rehearsal dinner.
For now, Bryn was still sleeping peacefully, so I left her another note and laced up my tennis shoes. The scenery was too beautiful to run inside on a treadmill, and I’d enjoyed taking various routes around the island, thanks to some tips from the concierge. Today was no different.
My feet pounded the pavement, keeping tempo with the music playing through my earbuds. The scenery was breathtaking as I passed along turquoise bays dotted with white boats. And yet, with each mile traveled, my mind kept circling back to Bryn.
Last night had been a roller coaster. I’d gone from kissing her to consoling her, and all of it had been intense and emotional. My chest squeezed as I thought about the pain she’d beencarrying, the guilt. And suddenly, it didn’t feel as if I could get enough air into my lungs.
I slowed, bending forward so that my hands were braced on my thighs.Fuck.
They’d been wanting to start a family. They’d been trying to get pregnant. I stood and tried to keep my body moving, even if it was just to pace.
All the…sorrow she’d been holding inside. All those thoughts, all that guilt, about Derek. Was it any wonder she was struggling to move forward?
Was it any surprise that I kept hesitating when it came to taking that next step with her? Deep down, maybe I’d sensed that she wasn’t ready. And last night’s conversation had only confirmed what I’d already known.
My phone buzzed, and I glanced at the screen, wanting to make sure I hadn’t missed a message from Bryn. Boone had texted, but I didn’t want to talk to him right now. Unfortunately, the only person I wanted to talk to was dead.
