“You’re pulling away from me. From us. I can see it in your eyes,” Stella said, hoping Luke would contradict her. Maybe she had this all wrong. Perhaps he was just wounded by his encounter with Kenny’s parents.
“I don’t want to hurt you, Stella. Matter of fact, it’s the very last thing I ever want to do. That’s why this is so hard.”
Her heart muscles constricted.Hard?What was so hard? Seeing her? Talking to her?
“Your heart needs to be kept safe with someone. Protected. I can’t be that person. I don’t know why I ever thought I could be.” He met her gaze without blinking. His tone was rife with resignation. It took her a moment to realize he was ending things with her. Luke’s words served as a body blow. She wrapped her arms around her waist. Her face felt flushed and her palms were moist.
Feeling numb, she said, “I’m in love with you, Luke. It’s too late for safety.”
Shock registered on his face as soon as the words tumbled out of her mouth. He groaned. “I never meant—” He stumbled over his words. Stella saw the confusion swirling around him. Even though she was in pain, she recognized that he was as well. Going to New Hampshire, seeking approval from the Smiths, had sent him into a tailspin of guilt and grief.
He abruptly stood up. “I’m sorry for all of this, Stella. I wish that I could be the type of man worthy of a woman like you. I’m just not.”
“Don’t, Luke. Please don’t give up on us.” She hated the pleading tone in her voice, but if it would get him to reverse course, she would say anything…do anything.
He turned back toward her. “I’m not giving up on you, Stella. I’m just not in a place to be with anyone right now. Least of all you. You want commitment and picket fences and babies. I-I can barely get out of my own way these days without being a human wrecking ball.”
Anyone.Was that what she was to him? Just anyone?
She opened her mouth to say something, but it felt like cotton was stuck in her throat. Luke moved toward the front door and quietly let himself out without saying another word. She stood in the hallway, her gaze focused on the door. Her entire body felt cold, as if a storm had swept through her house and engulfed her. This wasn’t her first heartbreak, but she couldn’t ever remember feeling as if someone had ripped her heart out of her chest cavity. This felt…different from last time.
Once she felt certain Luke had driven away, she let out a plaintive wail, one that came from a place deep inside of her that she hadn’t even known existed.
***
Luke snuck into Nick’s house as quietly as he could manage. Ending things with Stella had been way more agonizing than he’d ever imagined was possible. Even though he knew it was in her best interest, it still gutted him.I’m in love with you, Luke.He hadn’t seen it coming. Those words would haunt him for a long time. The relentless ache inside him wouldn’t give up. It hurt every bit as much as when he’d woken up in the hospital to the news that Kenny and Aaron were gone.
Something kept nudging at him—an emotion he wasn’t sure he could handle at the moment—and Luke kept trying to stuff it down. Why did this hurt so much? Facing a life without Stella made him feel as if he couldn’t breathe. Was this another panic attack? No, this was different. It was loss and pain and the sensation of something wonderful slipping through his fingers.
He heard Nick’s footsteps coming down the stairs. Luke knew that he was due for a tongue lashing from his brother. He’d been out of touch for almost fifteen hours, which wasn’t cool at all, especially since Nick had been hitting up his phone, filled with concern. He’d let him know that he was safe but hadn’t given him any details regarding his meeting with the Smiths. At the moment he felt as if he’d gone twelve rounds with a prize fighter…and lost. Breaking up with Stella had been brutal.
Nick looked him up and down. “Where have you been? I mean this in the nicest way, but you look awful.”
Tell me something I don’t know.“Thanks, bro. I can always count on you to be brutally honest.” Luke didn’t need Nick or a mirror to tell him what he already knew. He was a mess.
“What happened in New Hampshire? And why didn’t you answer my calls?”
“I don’t want to weigh you down with the details. You have enough on your plate without having to deal with my problems. I’m sorry about not calling you back. All I could really manage was a brief text.”
“I want to know about your life, Luke. The good, the bad, and the ugly. You’ve been through a lot over the past seven months. I’m here for you if you need to talk.”
He let out a ragged sigh. Bottling things up never seemed to work for him. Nick was his best friend. He needed to be real with his brother. Maybe then he wouldn’t feel as if he were carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. “Kenny’s mother blames me for his death, and she thinks I’m the most horrible human being in the world. She doesn’t believe I deserve anything good in my life…and I think she might be right.” He tossed the words out quickly before he changed his mind about confiding in Nick.
“What?” Nick exploded. “It isn’t right to blame you for what happened. That’s ridiculous. It’s just the grief talking. Don’t worry. She’ll come around.”
Luke shrugged. “There isn’t much hope of that happening. If you’d seen her face you’d know what I’m talking about.” He felt a wave of nausea as the memory of his encounter with Dorothea came into sharp focus. “I screwed up on intel, and because of my decisions, two SEAL members died. I can’t change it, even though I’d give anything to go back in time and make things right.”
“It wasn’t your fault. You can’t take all the blame.” Nick’s voice was raised. The veins in his forehead were bulging. “You’re not looking at it with a clear view. What about all the lives you saved that day? Do you really think they gave you the highest military honor out of pity or some sense of obligation? The United States Navy determined you were deserving of one of their greatest distinctions. Why isn’t that enough for you?”
“Nick, you’re talking out of loyalty to me and not being objective. You’re my brother,” Luke scoffed. “I appreciate the support, but it doesn’t change my reality. And it certainly doesn’t alter the opinion of Kenny’s family.”
Nick threw his hands in the air. “You served our country honorably. It’s a shame that Kenny’s family isn’t ready to acknowledge that their son chose his path. There are always risks involved in military service, particularly in an elite unit like the SEALs.”
“Navy SEALs have a mantra we live by. It says we won’t ever fail.” He felt a tremor in his jaw. “But I did, Nick. And Kenneth’s family agrees with me. They think it was my fault. I went to Renfrew to pay my last respects and to tell them in person what happened to their son, but I never got the opportunity. There were so many things I wanted to say, but they shut me down. It’s like this wound that can’t completely heal because I’m still in limbo.”
“You’ve already mourned them and honored them. Both of them received Purple Hearts posthumously based on your accounts of their bravery. Winona told you how grateful she is and always will be that her kids will grow up knowing their dad was a hero.” Nick shook his head. “Why can’t you be satisfied with that?”
“I don’t know,” he answered with a shrug. “It’s just difficult for me to feel good about things in my life when others are hurting.” He’d survived and they hadn’t.
