“Can you both come outside to the family room where Dad is? I have some news.”
Well, it was her own fault.
After telling her family she’d be going to Korea, Julia suddenly wanted her mom to make doenjang-jjigae for dinner, and they didn’t have any of the fermented soy paste needed. She told her mom she could make something else, but her mother was so shocked Julia was craving something she’d never really wanted in the past that she insisted Julia go to H Mart to pick some up. Damn these new adventurous taste buds.
There were days when H Mart felt like a treat, and she loved going up and down the aisles picking out random things she’d want to eat, especially the candy and cookies aisle. But not Wednesday afternoons. On Wednesdays, H Mart dropped their sale items for the week and the place was a zoo, filled with people fighting over ridiculously inexpensive produce or boxes of canned iced coffee.
Julia made her way to the aisle with all the various brands of doenjang and looked for the brown container her mom described. She stopped and stared. There were at least thirty different kinds, and they were all labeled in Korean.
“Shit,” she said. Were they really all that different? Maybe it just wouldn’t matter. Julia reached for the nearest one when a hand reached over hers for a container on the shelf above it.
“This one’s better. It’s the one your mom uses.”
Julia froze midgrab. She turned slowly and let her eyes roam every inch of Tae Kim standing there. It was as if she’d spent a lifetime away from him. Her entire body ached to reach out.
Tae dropped the doenjang into her basket. “Hey, Jules,” he said, lowering his eyes, tapping his foot nervously.
“Hi, Tae,” she said in an almost whisper.
“Fancy meeting you here... in the fermented foods aisle. Feels almost appropriate.” He laughed. It sounded sad. It hurt to hear.
“How’ve you been?” she asked.
“Oh, you know, beating myself up over having been a complete dick to you. Turns out Min paid for my dad’s hospital bill. And also turns out I’ve been a bit of an asshole to everyone these days, so it’s good to know I’m equal opportunity and didn’t take it out on just you.”
His shoulders were slouched and his shirt wrinkled. He needed a haircut. And he hid the bags under his eyes with his glasses. She’d take no pleasure in making him feel bad. It’s not what she wanted.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
He shrugged. “I’m figuring some stuff out. I know I’ve been saying that for months. But this time I mean it. Which is exactly what someone making excuses would say.”
“Hey, I’m glad you’re figuring stuff out. And I know you’ll get there,” she said. Without thinking, she reached her hand out to touch him, comfort him, but stopped herself midway.
His eyes followed the movement, staring, as if willing her hand to keep going, to reach all the way until it met his.
Julia lowered her hand and let it drop to her side.
Tae closed his eyes, but he couldn’t hide his pained expression.
“Julia, I’m so sorry. I’m just so fucking sorry. I never, ever will forgive myself for how I talked to you. For accusing you. For being angry at you. For taking shit out on you. For betraying you.”
This time, Julia didn’t hesitate, reaching her hand all the way. She grabbed Tae’s forearm and squeezed to get his attention, to get him out of this dark place in his head. “Tae, it’s okay. I’m not mad. I’m not hurt, not anymore. I understand. You’ve been going through a lot, and it got to be too much. You were carrying everyone’s burden, and you were getting crushed by it. It was just a matter of time before it became too much for you.”
Tae’s Adam’s apple bobbed. She wanted to memorize every movement of his body and save the memories for when she’d allow herself to sneak thoughts of him in her mind. She couldn’t stay here any longer. It hurt too much.
“I should go,” she said, letting out a heavy sigh.
He nodded, not raising his eyes to look at her, as if he couldn’t watch her walk away.
“Tae, we just both need some space. We need to work on ourselves. And then, maybe, we can see what happens. Let’s just wait and see,” she said, repeating her grandmother’s words.
“Yeah, you’re right. Wait and see,” he repeated unconvincingly.
“I should go,” she said again. It took every bit of power within her to turn around and walk away.
“Julia?”
She stopped in her tracks but didn’t look back. “Yeah?”
