“While we’re waiting and seeing, can I call you from time to time? Just to check in?” The quiver in his voice was undeniable. She hated that the man with whom everything had been so good, so easy, was now scared to even reach out through a phone call. But she wouldn’t be able to handle staying in touch with Tae, not without being able to actually touch him.
She turned her head back toward him. “I’m not so sure that’s a good idea right now, Tae.”
“Right, yeah, you’re right, bad idea...”
“Tae.” She stopped him from his rambling.
“Yeah, Jules?” He finally lifted his eyes to meet hers.
She wanted to give in. She wanted to run to him and wrap her arms around him. She wanted to tell him they’d figure this all out together.
She didn’t want to hurt him.
“I need time,” she admitted. She had to start being honest with herself about what she wanted, what she needed. No other voices. She had to do that on her own.
He dropped his eyes, swallowed, and nodded his head. “Time,” he said, letting out a deep breath. “Okay, Jules. I can give you that. I owe you that.”
Tears welled in her eyes.
“Take care of yourself, Tae,” Julia said as she turned and walked away, leaving the pieces of her heart scattered on the floor of her local H Mart.
30
The Most Valuable Thing
Tae
After weeks of basically not leaving his room, weeks of beating himself up over blaming Julia for something she hadn’t done, weeks of berating himself for getting angry at everyone, Tae finally picked up the phone.
He needed help.
Tae could finally admit he wasn’t able to process on his own everything he’d been feeling. He could finally surrender to the fact that therapy could help. And he finally fought through the dark clouds looming over him and mustered the energy to actually dial the number Min had texted him, a therapist that Min had recommended. She would see Tae even though he didn’t have insurance. He could pay her session by session.
Min offered to help.
Tae must have been in really rough shape for his brother to keep coming through like this.
“Taehyung-ah, make sure you save space in your luggage for the food I packed,” his mom called out from the kitchen.
Tae closed his eyes and smiled. She probably had ten containers lined with plastic wrap, sealed and then tied in plastic grocery bags, ready for him to take back to Chicago. Food enough for a month. Never mind that he was only going to be there for aweek—and that there were restaurants in every other building on his block.
“Mom, just keep in mind that I don’t have much room,” he called back. He hadn’t planned on bringing anything other than his small duffel bag.
“Oh, okay. Don’t worry, then. I’ll put it all in a separate suitcase for you,” she said.
“Seriously, I don’t need another suitcase.” He looked up to see his mom standing in the doorway at the top of the stairs, holding a wooden spoon in her hand.
“Tae, just take it. Fill the refrigerator,” she said.
He wasn’t going to argue and remind her that he was moving his stuffoutof the apartment. His roommates would likely appreciate all the home-cooked food anyways. “Okay, fine. I’ll take a separate bag.”
“And don’t forget to bring back all the containers.”
“Yes, Umma.”
Tae had done a lot of thinking. For someone who liked things to be easy, the emotions he’d faced the last few weeks were more than he could handle. Min was right. Therapy would help. He needed perspective, and he needed to talk things out. But first he needed to finally make the decision and cut ties with things from his past. The baggage was too heavy for him to carry around the rest of his life. Tae was ready to say goodbye to Chicago, finalize his separation from his job, and move his stuff out of his apartment. He still had some stuff at Kari’s place, but he decided it best to just consider that a casualty of the breakup and not attempt to get any of it back. He really hoped they could end up friends.
His parents weren’t quite fully healed from their wounds, but they’d be okay without him. He made them swear they’d call him at any time if they needed something. Plus, Min was only thirty minutes away. Tae still felt nervous, but he had to let that go. He had to make space to live his own life too.
