And now…
Now I can’t think at all because that hand hasn’t left my shoulder and I want the earth to open up and swallow me. My body settles on starting to tremble so violently that it makes my muscles ache.
“Are you hurt?” It’s even worse because there’s actual concern in Professor Hilman’s voice. I think that’s what always made it so terrible—he’s the kind of man who thinks that what he did wasn’t wrong. He’d pressed me against a wall and tried to force his tongue down my throat, he’d shoved his hand down my pants. He’d tried to make me do things, and the only reason I’d gotten away was because someone had interrupted him.
And then the next day he’d tried to smile at me and act like everything was normal, fine. Like he hadn’t done anythingwrong. The concern in his voice now is real because he still thinks he’s not doing anythingwrong.
“Don’t.” I manage it through chattering teeth, but just that word takes all the oxygen from my lungs. My vision is flashing, bursts of gray at the edges of everything. I kind of want that darkness to swallow me up… anything would be better than being here.
I need to not be here.
I need…
I know who I need, and I messed all that up.
“Come on. Let me get you somewhere so you can sit down.” The hand on my shoulder tightens, and I want to fight like a wildcat. I want to tell himno.
No.
No, no, no.
But I can’t breathe.
I can’t do anything.
And I need?—
“I’ve got it.” Professor Levine’s sharp voice cuts through the thick, syrupy cloud that’s slowly threatening to make me faint from a lack of oxygen. I barely manage to raise my eyes so I can see him move himself bodily between Professor Hilman and me—the warmth of his proximity, the familiar scent of him, overrides everything else.
“I was going to take him to my office so he could catch his breath. He looks like he’s ill.” Professor Hilman’s offer sounds so sincere, so innocent. His blue eyes are wide innocence behind dark-framed glasses that I know he doesn’t really need.
I don’t think when I reach out and grab Professor Levine’s wrist, a silent plea for him to let anything but that happen. I know I might have ruined his life by climbing into his lap where people could see us, but I can’t go with Professor Hilman.
I can’t.
I—
“I’ve got him.”
Those three words do something to me—melt through the violent pinpricks trying to tear me apart and let me know…
It’s okay.
I’msafebecause he’s here.
The tears that didn’t come earlier fill my eyes and I take a deep, trembling breath. “I’m sorry,” I murmur, even though I can’t say why. I know he knows.
“It’s okay, Luca. You’re okay.” Maddox Levine’s voice could put an angel to shame with the way it spills along my skin.
“I can really—” Professor Hilman doesn’t get a chance to finish whatever he was going to say, because I’m moving then.
Not toward his office, or even the dorm rooms. I don’t know where we’re going. There’s just the jingle of keys and the sound of a door opening and closing… locking. I can’t concentrate past the way my lungs are still trying desperately to suck in air, but I notice it’s cooler here.
“Luca, look at me.” Professor Levine’s voice barely manages to cut through the pounding sounds of my heart thundering in my ears, but the warmth of his hands cupping my face finally makes me lift my head. Through the swimming haze of tears, I can see… fabric.
I vaguely remember him talking about a climate controlled storage area for costumes, but I’ve never been here.
“Luca,” he says again, and I feel almost helpless when I raise my eyes to meet his. Even through the tears, that soft blue fills my vision.
