I squirm, because isn’t that the question of the fucking day? Exhaling roughly, I say, “I’m not sure.”
“Because of what happened when you were a student here?”
Throat tight, I nod. “Probably should have gone to therapy after that.”
“Never too late,” Crista shrugs without a hint of humor. “But I think it’s time you let that go. You’ve punished yourself enough for it.”
I know she’s right, but shit is so unfinished. I got no answers, didn’t close any chapters. I was forced to deal with the consequences of a mess I didn’t make. It’s unfair, but it’s even more unfair to drag Luca through my unresolved shit.
“What do I do?” slips from my lips before I can stop it.
Crista stares at me, assessing me evenly. I fidget, not knowing what she’s looking for but not liking how she’s practically peering into my soul.
“Be honest with yourself,” she says. “Don’t ask yourself what youshoulddo, but what youwantto do. Do you want him?” I open my mouth but she talks over me. “For more than his body. For more than sex. When you look at Luca, do you see someone who can warm your bed, or someone who can warm your heart?”
When I don’t answer right away, she pushes off my desk and heads to the door. “Oh, and Mad?”
“Hmm?” My throat won’t work for me to say much more.
“Go after him. I can tell he’s a sensitive kid. Don’t leave him hanging after he just thought his entire future was going to go up in smoke.”
She leaves me alone with my thoughts…
But only for a moment. Then I’m out of my chair, racing over to the dorms to go see Luca.
Chapter
Nineteen
LUCA
Everything is so messed up.
Imessed up.
I’mmessed up.
And the worst thing is, it’s not even me I’m worried about. I could get over it—I can get through it. But Professor Levine doesn’t deserve to be in trouble.
I can’t imagine him being in trouble because of something I did—from something Iwanted. Over the last month I’ve been so selfish that I’ve started to wonder if maybe just maybe I could figure out a way for him to be something I could keep.
I don’t even make it out of the building before I end up feeling that dizzying, struggling to breathe sensation. Numbness crawls along the side of my face, tickling at my jaw and making my lips feel cold, prickling at my scalp like a thousand tiny-needled pinpricks of warning.
Panic.
Everything is crashing down around me and I need to dissolve into the ground.
I need…
I need…
I don’t realize that I’ve stopped walking and nearly collapsed against the wall until a hand on my shoulder makes my entire body freeze. Instinct tells me it’s wrong before I hear Professor Hilman’s voice behind me.
“Are you okay, Luca?”
This isn’t good. I can’t look up at him—he doesn’t need to see the way the world is ending, playing out behind my eyes in HD. He doesn’t need to see the guilt I’m feeling reflecting back at him. Ineedtime to figure out how to explain what I was doing with Professor Levine.
Maybe if I say I came onto him? But something tells me he wouldn’t let me take the fall.
