The ocean.
The sea.
Depths I could get lost in.
No wonder I feel like I’m drowning.
“I’m so sorry. I’m sorry.” It flies out of my mouth before I can think. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have… I didn’t mean… I?—”
There’s a rustle of fabric as he moves us back until I feel the cool wall press against my shoulders, and then heat as he draws me forward and gently presses his lips to mine.
“It’s okay, Luca.” He murmurs it against my mouth. “Just breathe.”
I can’t, though. I can’t breathe. I can’t think—I can’t tell him how he just saved me from my worst nightmare and I don’t deserve him comforting me after I put him at risk. I can’t do anything but look up at him almost helplessly and say those two words again.
“I’m sorry.”
“Luca.” His voice is sharp enough to cut through the misery trying to swallow me down. “It’s okay. IknowCrista. She’s a friend. You aren’t in trouble.”
I blink at him rapidly, trying to take in what he’s saying. My head shakes back and forth slowly. “But she saw us, and you?—”
“She’s not going to tell anyone.” His big hands slowly thread through my hair, thumbs dropping down to wipe the tears from my cheeks. “Little lamb, I’m not going to let anything hurt you. You’re okay here. Just breathe.”
Just breathe.
Breathe.
I don’t know if he understands anything at all. I’ve spent so much of my life feeling like I could barely breathe, like the world around me was pressing in and I was just existing in a space that I barely managed to make for myself.
How could he understand that the only time I feel like I can completely fill my lungs is when he’s looking at me? It’s too soon for me to be thinking that way—too soon for me to be feeling anything like it. But it’s almost like I inhaled for the first time at Mask when he touched me, and now he’s the only air I need.
“You’re not in trouble?” I finally manage, because that question seems a lot better than whatever weird confession is trying to crawl its way up my throat. It’s only been a fewweeks. I’m not confessinganything.
“No. Well…” The corner of his mouth ticks up as he runs his fingers along my arms, along my back, threading them through my hair again in a soft, soothing gesture that’s lulling away thetension in my body. “Crista is probably going to give me shit for the next few years for not locking the door… but no. No one is in trouble. We’re okay.”
We’re okay.
“We… we are?”
“Yeah, little lamb.Weare.” He puts an emphasis on the word and I can tell what he’s saying without asking, but I still do it anyway.
“We don’t have to… I mean you still want…”
“I still expect you at my place this weekend.”
He stillwantsme. Even after we got caught. Even though someone knows now.
“Oh. Okay…”
And then I’m crying again, which is embarrassing… but I can’t help it. I can’t tell if it’s stress or relief or everything catching up to me. The fact that Professor Hilman was five seconds away from taking me to his office is a pounding terror in the back of my mind, and I don’t have the words to thank Professor Levine.
For saving me.
For always somehow being right there to save me.
“Luca… Luca, it’s okay. You’re okay.” His soft reassurance only makes the tears worse.
“Thank you. I…” I shake my head. I don’t want to think about that anymore right now. I just want…
