Doug
Don’t think. Don’t feel.Fat chance of that. Like a pendulum, my mind swung from knowing what I’d seen had been taken out of context, to assuming it had all been planned to manipulate me into reacting.
What didn’t change, was the image of Justin kissing Willa, and her not totally hating it. I’d never felt jealousy before. Which was strange, because I’d always been surrounded by other people doing better than me or having more. But it had never bothered me until that moment. Somehow, I’d have to step back from all this drama, instead of stewing in it. That’s what I felt like. A stewed tomato of emotion.
Stanley needed soundbites from me on what I thought of some of the contestant’s upcoming performances, and I headed straight there so Willa couldn’t catch up to me alone. I wasn’t ready to talk to her yet.
It worked. I saw her linger by the door, but she didn’t come in with all the people and cameras surrounding me. I was so good at dodging her, that she didn’t track me down again until I was ready to go for the night. She caught me as I was walking toward the exit.
“Please wait, Doug.”
Not wanting to leave the building together, I guided us over to a metal bench against a wall.
I’d thought about what I might say, weighing possibilities until I never wanted to analyze anything again. And the only thing I could come up with was going back to where we’d started. Willa picked me to be her buddy. No real feelings involved. She knew it would be this insane, this melodramatic, and she wanted an ally to rise above the Hollywood nonsense. I wanted to be that, and I still could if we stopped spending time together, if I got a chance to breathe and retreat. She’d have to be a character again, not someone invading all my thoughts, invading my space.
“What is it, Willa?”
She twisted her hands in her lap. “We should talk.”
“Yeah. I agree. Let me go first, okay?”
She nodded.
“You’re worried about me seeing you kiss Justin. I’m guessing Alan’s changing up the plan again. And that shouldn’t be an issue if we compartmentalize this thing. No more blurring the lines. I’ll come here and play whatever role I need to, but you need to leave me alone to live my real life outside of this. I can’t have you sneaking in my apartment to play with Tiger or calling me just to talk. It’s too confusing. So, just give me some space to regroup and I’ll be as good as new tomorrow.”
Willa stared at me, no particular emotion seeping through. I willed my face to remain as calm. I’d pretty much just admitted to having real feelings for her. There was no way around it, but the humiliation would be short lived if she agreed to back off and quit toying with me, whether it was accidental or not.
“I understand,” she finally said. “I’ll give you space outside of filming.” She stood and left quickly.
I sat for several minutes, reassuring myself this was for the best, that it was what she wanted. After all, she hadn’t looked bothered by my request at all. It only reinforced my conclusion that I was way too emotionally involved. I’d fix that.
