‘Let’s not have this conversation here. We entertained the waiting room enough before the appointment. Why don’t we all go and get a coffee in the cafeteria and talk about it there?’
‘What,allof us? Together?’ Donna looked from Bex to Briony and back again. It took a leap of faith for Briony to respond, but when she did there was an echo, her sister giving exactly the same response as she did.
‘Yes.’
‘Come on, Don, you can’t tell me you’re not going to take up an offer like that; sitting down for a coffee with both your daughters at the same time.’ It turned out Ken was capable of anything too, even emotional blackmail, when it came to trying to persuade his wife to do the sensible thing.
‘Okay, but not the cafeteria, I’m not drinking any of that dishwater. Linda and Gwen have told me that the only place to get decent coffee around here is the hospital shop.’
‘That’s where we’ll go then, Mum.’ Bex slid her arm through Donna’s, leaving Briony to fall in step with Ken and trail behind them. But Briony couldn’t expect miracles, and just sitting down around the same table as her sister was something she’d never dreamt would be possible again. It was just a tragedy that it had to come at such a high price.
Having coffee with her mother and sister, more than a decade and a half since the last time they’d done it was always going to be awkward. Making small talk in circumstances like this would have been next to impossible, even if they weren’t trying to persuade Donna to do something she was adamant she didn’t want to do. What was Briony supposed to say that wouldn’t somehow heighten the tension even further? She couldn’t ask after Matt and the boys, because she knew Bex would immediately shut down the conversation if she did, and she was terrified of accidentally revealing how much she already knew about them, because of Tristan. She’d been terrified that he might already have told Bex that the person he’d invited on to the farm, going under the name of Holly Day, had in fact been her estranged sister, but she was almost certain he hadn’t. Bex was too calm, as if she’d been able to process everything she knew about Briony a long time ago.
The conversation was horribly stilted nonetheless and the atmosphere about as awkward as it was possible to be. All of them desperately trying not to acknowledge not just one, but two elephants in the room: the feud between the sisters, and the desperate need to get Donna to change her mind before it was too late. After about five minutes Briony couldn’t stand it any more, which only left one option.
‘Right then, Mum. So we’ll go and do the assessment and see what the options are.’ Briony kept her tone light, almost as though her mother had already agreed to the plan, in the hope that might convince her that she had. She should have known better.
‘Absolutely no way. I told the doctor I’m not letting anyone carve either you or Bex up for my benefit.’
‘And he told you that’s not what happens.’ Bex had saidexactly what Briony had been about to say, but their mother was already shaking her head.
‘I don’t care; it’s not a risk I’m willing to take. Your lives are too precious.’
‘Mine isn’t.’ Briony’s reply came out before she could censor it and she didn’t miss the look of shock on the faces of the others, but now she’d started she had to finish. ‘Because of my actions, I’ve caused a horrendous rift, which means this is the first time we’ve sat around a table together in sixteen years. I don’t want that to be the only role I’ve played in this family.’
‘And I don’t want you to put your life at risk because of?—’
‘Mum,please.’ It was Briony’s turn to cut her off this time. ‘I’m not talking about putting my life at risk. All I’m asking for is a chance to do the right thing for once. I just want us to register an interest in doing the transplant and go for the assessment. If I’m not suitable, that will be the end of that, the universe will have decided it’s not meant to be, and we can all stop nagging you.’
‘But what if you are suitable?’ Donna’s arms were back to being tightly folded across her chest again, but Briony had seen a softening in her expression and her tone was nowhere near as sharp as it had been before.
‘If I’m suitable, and the assessment process has done enough to reassure you that I’m not putting my life at risk by donating, then we go through with it.’ She held her mother’s gaze for a moment and, when Donna didn’t answer straight away, she pressed on. Having got this close to getting her mother to agree, she wasn’t going to let it slip through her fingers. ‘Please, Mum, if you let me do this, I might finally be able to believe that I’ve done something worthwhile with my life.’
She hadn’t meant to admit to any of that. She hadn’t meant to glance in Bex’s direction either, and see the furrow of her sister’sbrow, or the sympathetic tilt of her head that had probably been involuntary. Briony didn’t want anyone, least of all Bex, to feel sorry for her. She’d chosen a life of solitude and most of the time she was okay with it, but there was nothing like comparing herself to Bex to hammer home just how meaningless her life was in comparison. It wasn’t that she thought a single life without children was fundamentally less meaningful, butherexistence was. Bex wasn’t just a wife and a mother of three, she was running two businesses which contributed something significant to the community, and she’d spent her whole life surrounded by the friends she’d grown up with. She mattered to people in a way that Briony never had.
So many people would miss Bex if she was gone. Briony’s online posts might be missed at first, but someone else would soon come along to fill the gap. She wasn’t irreplaceable to anyone in the way her sister was, except her mum and stepdad, but even their lives were far more centred around Bex and her family than they were around Briony. Bex was a better person in every way and, just like their mother, she put other people first. Briony wasn’t even sure whether her desire to donate part of her liver to Donna was entirely altruistic, or whether some of the motivation came from not being able to face losing the only person who truly loved her, no matter what she might have done. Briony had the life she deserved, but it was the life she’d chosen too. She didn’t want sympathy from Bex and she definitely didn’t want her mother to feel bad for her, so she had to say something to make sure they didn’t. ‘I’ve had more fun and freedom than anyone is entitled to, but if you let me donate part of my liver too, it’ll mean my life has been about more than just having fun.’ Briony didn’t look at her sister this time, instead letting herself imagine the expression of disdain on Bex’s face. She’d rather Bex thought she was shallow and frivolous, than let her see just how hard it was to sit across the table from her, longing to feel somekind of genuine connection again. Briony had dreamt about this moment for so long, but it had never looked like this in her imagination, and she couldn’t allow her face or her words to betray just how hard this was. Their mother’s recovery was the only thing that really mattered, and if she did or said anything to derail the chances of that, Bex was going to end up hating her even more than she did already.
‘I just don’t know if I can.’ Donna bit her lip. She was definitely wavering, but Briony had no idea what else to say to help push things over the line. Thankfully, someone else did.
‘Like I said before, it might even be the fresh start we all need if Briony does this. A chance to put the past in the past.’ Bex widened her eyes, her gaze not leaving their mother’s face and Briony had to take a couple of steadying breaths as she watched them both. If she hadn’t heard her sister’s words for herself, she’d never have believed them. She hadn’t even dared to hope for this, and she could still barely allow herself to do so, but a warm feeling was spreading inside her all the same, and she wasn’t sure whether she wanted to laugh or cry.
‘Okay.’ Donna released the word on a long breath, her whole body seeming to go limp. ‘I’ll go for the assessment, but I’m not making any promises.’
‘Oh, thank God.’ Ken’s voice cracked, tears streaming down his face, and Briony finally felt able to give into her own tears too, as they all hugged Donna in turn. Finding a complete cure for her mother was like asking for a miracle, but it was one that might be within their grasp. After what Bex had just said about the possibility of a fresh start, miracles suddenly didn’t feel anywhere near as impossible to find, and she was already smiling through her tears.
‘Bex, wait!’ She didn’t need to turn around to know who was calling her name, but she didn’t stop or even slow down. She just wanted to get back to her car, drive home and hug her family to remind herself of everything she had, and convince herself that it didn’t matter whether Briony was a part of that equation or not. She’d been overcome with relief when her mother had finally agreed to have the assessment for the transplant, but there’d been no euphoria. There were too many other emotions swirling around her head and the guilt that had been ever present since she’d decided to do whatever it took to make her mum see sense, threatened to overwhelm her.
Bex had said what she thought her mother needed to hear, despite knowing that she was deliberately deceiving Donna. She hated lying, especially after everything that had happened with Briony and Liam, and it had left her feeling almost dirty, as though she needed a shower before she could embrace her husband and sons. Bex was always telling her boys that she wouldn’t be angry with them about anything that happened, as long as they told her the truth. She’d lectured them about the way that lies could so easily snowball and get out of hand, and she had a horrible feeling that’s what was happening. She’d assumed that Briony was complicit in deceiving their mother, but the look on her face had said otherwise. If Bex’s suspicions were right, it meant she was the one manipulating everyone else. She hated the thought that might be true, because for so long, she’d seen herself as the innocent victim of Briony’s actions and the idea that they might have swapped roles made her feel sick.
She wasn’t ready to see the possibility of hope in Briony’s eyes, because she couldn’t offer her any. There’d been moments when Bex had almost wanted to hug her sister, who’d sounded so vulnerable and alone, but she still didn’t trust that any of it was true. Being around Briony was like a constant fight between herhead and her heart, and Bex suddenly felt too exhausted to face another moment in the other woman’s company. It would be far easier to keep going and not stop until she was safely inside her car, but she wasn’t nearly fast enough.
‘Bex!’ Briony was so close now her voice vibrated in Bex’s ear, a split second before placing a hand on her shoulder, finally forcing her to stop. ‘I just wanted to say thank you.’
‘For what?’ She still couldn’t bear to look at Briony for any length of time. She was probably even more beautiful now than she’d been in her early twenties, a fact that seemed grossly unfair when her actions had been so ugly, but there was more to Bex’s avoidance than that. Much to her surprise, she didn’t want to be the cause of any pain or disappointment on her sister’s face. She no longer wanted the revenge she’d fantasised about when they finally came face to face again, but she wasn’t willing to tell any more lies either and she knew the truth would probably hurt Briony. She just wanted to walk away.
‘For agreeing to sit around the same table as me and for saying this could be a fresh start for all of us.’ Even without looking at Briony, she could hear the smile in her voice. For just the briefest of moments it crossed her mind that she could go along with it, at least until after Donna’s operation, but that would make her no better than Briony had been all those years ago. Even though what Bex was about to say wasn’t out of malice, it was still going to cause Briony pain and, as much as she didn’t want to do that, it felt like she had no choice.
‘I know it probably sounded like I meant it, but the truth is I’d have been willing to say anything I thought I had to in order to get Mum to agree to the transplant.’ Pausing, she forced herself to look directly at Briony. She’d got herself into this and she had to deal with the consequences. Coming face to face with Briony had brought up a lot of emotions, some of which had taken her bysurprise, but one thing remained constant, she still didn’t trust Briony, no matter how much she might wish she could. Bex’s head was winning over her heart, and she wasn’t going to pretend she saw any hope for a reconciliation, when she couldn’t work out what would need to happen to make that possible. It wasn’t always easy being honest, but she wasn’t going to back down from a situation she’d created. ‘I lied to Mum about thinking this could be a second chance for us all, because I knew that’s what it would take for her to be willing to go ahead. Deep down you must realise it’s far too late for us to try and rebuild anything. I just can’t risk everything I’ve got by letting you back into my life.’
