Oh, no. I’m way too familiar with how a body responds to being emotionally beaten not to recognize how Chase is reacting right now.
Damn it. I don’t know what I’m supposed to say. I warned him when we left East Jersey that he needed to keep hisdistance; as difficult as it would be while we were traveling, we needed our space from each other. That’s the only way this would work. And, except for the last time he called me by my twin’s name, I thought we were doing all right. Sure, I falter from time to time—like last night, when I had the urge to stroke his hair while he was sleeping—but never when he could tell.
That’s when it hits me that Chase… he’s trying. That’s why he turned his back on me, that’s why he’s busying himself with folding our borrowed bedding. He doesn’t want me to see how much he’s struggling.
I do us both a favor and walk away.
Maverick is careful not to look back at us. He starts rolling up the bedroll he never returned to last night, going as slow as he possibly can. With Chase tending to my sleeping bag, I use the rest of our water to put out the fire. It sizzles and fights against the flood, but the water wins in the end. Pale grey smoke floats up in the pinkish light of dawn.
I don’t realize that I’m standing there, staring at the wisps of smoke as they fade away until I hear?—
“Holden?”
It’s Chase who calls for me. He’s standing about five feet away from me, the point in the triangle we’ve unconsciously constructed: Maverick to my right, Chase across the smoldering remains of the fire.
He’s holding his blanket close to his chest, kneading the fleece so tightly with his fingers that his knuckles have gone white with the force. When he speaks, though, he sounds calm and sure, as if he’s made up his mind about something. “Do you… Hey. Can I talk to you?”
I freeze, unsure how I want to respond.
No. That’s not true. One part of me wants to pretend I didn’t hear him and continue to get ready to leave. The other part? It’s almost willing to do anything to bring the light back to his eyes.
Maverick clears his throat.
“I’m going to go scout ahead a bit, see if I can find some water. I think I’ll feel a bit more awake after a quick splash in a lake or a stream. If not that, I’ll check for signs of lurkers in the next neighborhood.” He pauses as if he’s going to say one thing before deciding against it and going with another. “Wait for me here. I’ll be right back.”
I want to go after him. I certainly don’t want to be left alone with Chase, not when he looks like I’ve clawed open his chest, used my dirty fingernails to rip out his heart, then stomped on it with my boots. But, hey, what else can I do?
Tucking my messy hair behind my ears, I nod, then take the blanket from him before his worried fingers rip a hole right through the material. I set it on the ground before waiting for him to talk.
Chase’s fingers are still anxious. Without the blanket, he starts playing with a dime-sized hole on the hem of his t-shirt. I frown. How much do you want to bet that that hole wasn’t there last night?
He exhales, careful not to meet my eyes. “So, I was thinking… you’re right. Maybe it’s time I go back to the Grave. Let Jack know everything’s under control.”
Glancing down now, he stares at the grass, flattened from where we were both sleeping last night before I woke up and joined Maverick for his part of the watch, completely sleeping through mine. I follow the direction of his stare. I can see the curved shape where Chase had slept, and there, not more than a foot away, a pressed square, the size of my sleeping bag.
Should he go? Right after we broke out of East Jersey, I would’ve been delighted to see the back of him. Something’s different now… something’s changed. I could say it’s as simple as I got used to him, and I like the idea of having another set of eyes to keep watch for lurkers, but it’s more than that.
I just wish I could admit to myself what it is…
Shoving my hands in the pockets of Rory’s jacket, I fiddle with my folded knife. “If you feel that,” I begin before stopping abruptly. I clench my left hand into a fist inside the pocket. “You know what. No.” I relax my fingers, pull my hand out, and reach for Chase. I think he’s almost as shocked as I am that I boldly grab his arm. This is the first time I’ve made contact with him instead of pointedly ignoring how often he finds excuses to touch me, and we both know it.
His head picks up, surprise written in his eyes. Good. I’ll take that over the pain any day.
That gives me the boost I need to be honest with him.
“No, Chase,” I tell him before I lose the nerve. “You have to stay.”
“Why?” He bites down on his bottom lip before a short, bitter laugh escapes him. He throws his free hand up in the air. “C’mon, Holden. You know the old saying: two’s company, three’s a crowd.”
“It’s not like that,” I argue.
“Really? Then what is it?”
It’s his tone. So different than anything I’m used to when it comes to Chase Knight, it puts my back right up.
“Does it matter? It’s not likeI’mthe one you were engaged to.”
Holy hell. I regret the words the instant they’re out of my mouth, but it’s too late to take them back. A dark shadow flashes across his face in the morning light, quickly replaced by one of resignation.
