Somehow, that’s almost worse than the hurt.
I’m suddenly reminded of the last argument we had before I left with Maverick. Chase and I standing on the front porch of the Grave, me secretly jealous of Audrey, Chase kissing me,afraid of letting me go... it’s all happening again, but we’re playing opposite roles this time.
What would he do if I gave in to my need for him, grabbed his face, and kissed him? Would it erase what I just said—or would it only make things worse?
I huff out a breath. “Shit, Chase. I’m sorry. That was fucked up of me. I… I shouldn’t have said that.”
“But did you mean it?”
I don’t answer.
I don’t think he expected me to.
“Forget it. I pushed you too fucking hard and I know that. If I have anyone to blame, it’s me.”
Forget it? I don’t think I can, but for his sake, I’ll try.
“Okay. I will, but you have to stay. Please? We’re so close. Maverick says?—”
Chase snorts under his breath. “Maverick.”
Oh, yeah. There’s still bad blood there, isn’t it? “He just wants to kill the lurkers. Isn’t that what you want to do? Isn’t that why you came after us?”
The look Chase gives me says that he knows as well as I do that I’m full of shit. He doesn’t have to use his words, but we both know exactly why he’s come this far out of the Grave—and it has nothing to do with lurkers for Chase Knight.
He’s here for me. And if I say I need him here with me, there isn’t anywhere else he’ll go.
But can I say that?
“Chase—”
He takes a step toward me. It takes everything I have not to match it, moving away from him so that I don’t say “fuck it” and throw myself at him.
He can tell. From the way I’m all but hugging myself inside of Rory’s jacket to how I’m watching him on bated breath… hedoesn’t know me as well as he did Hallie, but we’ve been friends since elementary school. He knows meenough.
“Do you mean it, Holden? You really want me to stay with you? Do you need me?”
There’s no use in lying. Not now.
Not to Chase.
“It’s hard… I don’t want to tell you how hard ‘cause I know you know, but it’s hard, Chase. I don’t knowwhatI’m feeling these days. Ever since Hallie…” I shake my head. “I’m angry all the time. I’m so fucking confused, and it’s like my head’s been stuffed with cotton. It’s fuzzy. Sometimes I can’t remember the simplest of things… I thought getting out of the Grave would help me clear my head.”
He purses his lips. “Did it?”
I shrug. “A little bit. But I missed you. Not just you,” I add hurriedly because I don’t want him to think things I can’t let him think just now. “I miss everyone in the Grave. And… I don’t know… when you showed up in East Jersey, it’s like you brought the Grave with you. You saved me, and I know I never said thank you?—”
He surges forward, fingers ghosting over the leather of my jacket. “Don’t. You never have to. If anything, it should be me saying I’m sorry?—”
“No,” I say firmly, cutting him off. “We’re not going down that road, either. You did what you had to. Fuck, you did what I asked you to. You have nothing to be sorry about.”
“And you have nothing to thank me for.”
We’ll have to agree to disagree on that. He saved my ass, and I’ll never forget that.
Chase moves away. “You still didn’t answer me, you know.”
I arch my eyebrow.
