“That’s our way of being there for each other. Just because you could read more into it doesn’t mean there is more to it.” I understand that this subject is on his mind. Outside of ourrelationship, physical intimacy was never a given for David in the past, and I suspect that hasn’t changed. I don’t know when his parents last hugged him for no better reason than to show affection.
I know my answer, it was last Sunday, when I spontaneously came home. When I lay on the sofa, my head in Paps’s lap and his hand stroking my curls.
“Was there ever more?” Ah, now I understand. He’s jealous. That’s honestly sweet.
“Because we’re both gay? It would make sense, right? But no. The question never even came up.” Which is weird, because admittedly, Paul would definitely be my type.
Suddenly, my stomach growls so loudly breaking the uncomfortable silence that is about to envelop us.
“Oh, shit, you’re hungry. How could I forget? Come on, sit down.” He points to the bench again, now covered with a blanket and various cans and jars. There are also plates and a small bread basket. Wow, he’s done all that for me. It takes me one second to spot the two chocolate buns and grab one.
He’s spoiling me; everything I like is here. Butter, cherry tomatoes, mini salami, and a Tupperware container with rice pudding. I’m already on my second bun, and he hasn’t even started. Instead, he’s nervously kneading his fingers.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Reflexively, I reach for his hands, but this time he doesn’t look at me. He just takes a sharp breath and closes his eyes for a moment. It’s back again the second we touch, this connection between us that silences all the noise around us when we’re skin on skin. It flows through our bodies like honey, warm and gentle.
“You didn’t... do anything... with Paul, but you’ve... done... with other men, right?”
“Yes. I met my first boyfriend when I was sixteen. We were together foralmost two years. I’ve been with other men since, but I haven’t had anything serious since him.” My thumb draws small circles on the back of his hand.
“Why not?” He presses the words out, almost pleading.
“It never felt right. I’ve been with so many men, and I’ve searched so hard to find that feeling I had with my ex-boyfriend...”With you, damn it, only with you.But I don’t say that out loud, I just squeeze his hands tighter, hoping he understands. “But I never found it. Until three months ago.”
And it feels good, so good that I want to lift his chin and kiss him. My lips tingle and my heart pounds, but I don’t do it. He left me once before, I still don’t know why, and I won’t survive a repeat. I could ask him, but that goes against our rules, I need to learn to trust again and I’m not there yet.
“What about you?”
“I had a boyfriend too, when I was 17. The best twenty-one months of my life.”
My chest tightens, as if an elephant has settled down on it. “What happened?” Will I get my answer now?
“I was a coward.” Shit, my lower lip is trembling, I don’t want to cry, but a tear is running down his cheek. Even after so many years, there is still so much pain between us.
“Why?”
David drops his head back. “I wasn’t out, but I was planning to come out, I swear. I wanted to tell my father.”
The despair in his voice stabs my heart like a knife. What was just a tear before is now a steady stream, and I have to swallow. “But then he got his hands on some photos from a party we attended. We were just looking at each other, but our love was so obvious. He asked if there was something going on between us, and I panicked. I said no.”
“But then why did you break up?” Game and reality blur. We were a secret anyway; we could have carried on just asbefore.
“He said I had to break off contact so that no one would get the wrong idea. What was I supposed to do? I was so panicked at that moment. I couldn’t think straight anymore, everything was like in a fog. I hardly have any memories of the time before I moved to Mannheim.”
Here it is, the reason why David left me. I always thought I’d feel better if I knew why. I was wrong. David didn’t break up with me because he didn’t love me anymore, he broke up with me because someone else didn’t want to accept our love. And because David is simply not the type to rebel against his parents, especially not his father.
I close the distance between us, put his arms around my neck, and wrap mine around his waist. His head falls on my shoulder, his body trembles against mine. He feels like he used to, his scent tickling my nose. “If you could turn back time, would you do something differently?”
“I wouldn’t ask him to leave. I would hold on to him. Forever.”
Chapter 37
Louis
24 years
“So, how’s it going with Loverboy?”
And just like that, my water takes the wrong direction and I’m choking violently. Is he serious? Loverboy? My“if looks could kill”stare fires across the dining table, but Jannis is still sitting there grinning. Damn him.
