“So you’re adopted?”
“For eleven years now. I was a foster child in the family for four years, then Jannis was supposed to come and I wasn’t thrilled.” Oh God, I love it when he laughs. “I knew that legally I didn’t really belong, that the youth welfare office could take me away at any time if they wanted to. I still had alegal guardian and was afraid that I would have to leave when a new child arrived. Thankfully that didn’t happen, so now there are three of us. Jannis is seventeen and has also been adopted, and Luca is currently in the adoption process; he will be sixteen in April. My parents are waiting for the hearing, but that’s a formality. No one would ever dare taking Luca away from our family.”
When I met Louis, I never would have expected such a story. Open, cheeky, loud, confident, and self-assured. And next to him, me. Raised in a picture-perfect family that appeared intact to the outside world. Quiet, withdrawn, overwhelmed, insecure. His fathers did a damn good job, I’d say, better than my parents.
“Tell me about your family.” A topic I haven’t had to explore in depth with Louis until now. He knew it was difficult and never asked for more. I take a deep breath.
“Phew, that’s difficult. My close family consists of my parents, my younger sister Annika, and me. This is my father’s second marriage. I have three much older half-siblings, and my father is already 72.” I nervously pick the peppers off my pizza. I like peppers, I have no idea what I’m doing here or why. “My father has very traditional views, so I don’t really fit in. My mother is exclusively preoccupied with looking as young as possible. Outwardly, all you see is the money and my mother projecting a perfect life that I’ve never felt a part of..”
Louis looks at me sympathetically. “You see, that’s what I meant. A traditional family model doesn’t automatically mean more love or more safety or whatever. Any family can be a rigid, cold corset, no matter how it’s constructed. Blood doesn’t make a better family. But, if you feel that way, why do you want the company so badly then?”
That’s a good question. After our breakup, I struggled withit for months, wondering why I couldn’t just say screw the company and get back together with the boy I love. By now, I think I know the answer. It’s pathetic. “I want my father to be proud of me.”
Chapter 36
Louis
24 years
“Come here.” I grab Paul’s hips decisively and pull him close to me. My arms wrap around his waist, and his head falls onto my shoulder. “Two more hours and we’re done.”
Today is not a good day. The whole week has been difficult. Paul draws his energy from physical affection. It doesn’t necessarily have to be sex; when I think about it, it’s very rarely sex, if at all. Hugs, skin to skin—that’s his fuel. Since I started seeing David again, our evenings and nights together have become fewer and farther between. He doesn’t come into my bed anymore, cuddling up to me andfalling asleep.
Most nights, we used to fall into bed together after work, not getting up until Monday morning for university. That recharged Paul’s batteries, but we don’t do that anymore. My Sunday mornings belong to David now.
I really need to make time for him tonight, but for now I just need to get him through. I gently stroke his cheek and kiss his temple. A few of the regulars whistle. We both know that pretty much everyone here wants to see us as a couple. I look at the end of the bar, but David quickly turns his head away.
When Paul’s heartbeat has calmed down, I loosen the hug. Two people are standing patiently at the bar, waiting. Three beers and two vodka bulls later, I have a moment to breathe and go to the back. “Hey, are you okay?”
He doesn’t look up. I don’t know what I’m thinking, I have no idea, I just grab his hand and slide my fingers between his. David’s head snaps up, his gaze on our hands, he feels it too, doesn’t he? That spark, the warmth, the attraction. Even if I wanted to, I can’t let go, it feels so right. He swallows.
“Um, would it be okay if we didn’t go to the café today and did something else instead? I have a thermos with me, maybe we could take some tea and coffee from here, paid for of course. Food is in the car.”
He wants to go on a trip? Memories come flooding back. How often did we drive through the vineyards in David’s car, looking for places where we could be alone? Preferably with a bit of a view, preferably in the evening, when the sun sets behind the Vosges Mountains and the Rhine valley is bathed in orange and red light. How often did we end up at our favorite spot? And when the moon and the lights of the city were our only illumination, we were finally allowed to kiss. “Where are we going?”
“Surprise.”
“I can’t wait.”
***
We’re heading west, at least I think we do. My sense of direction could be completely wrong, but I don’t think so. There’s not much to see there, except... “Are we going to the Rhine?”
Even though I don’t get an answer, the twitch around David’s mouth gives him away. As we park, we can see the first rays of sunlight peeking out from behind the northern foothills of the Black Forest. The first light glimmers on the Rhine. Everything is quiet, just the two of us here.
“There’s a bench over there. Do you want to sit down?”
I nod, but I can’t take my eyes off the water rushing past us, unstoppable and powerful. A bit like time. Even though it feels like time stopped nearly six years ago, it hasn’t. It has been flowing continuously, carrying us along whether we wanted it or not, just to somehow spit us out at the at a different time with the same people again.
David is standing next to me, looking just as lost in thought as I feel.
“What are you thinking?”
“What’s going on between you and Paul?” David’s voice is so quiet it’s hard to notice that it’s breaking.
“We’re friends. Best friends, close friends.”
“But... the way you interact with each other... you’re so intimate, even physically.”
