“Who’s Loverboy? Looks like we missed something. Did you meet someone?”
“Ah, that’s not quite right. It’s more like an old love never dies thing.” How thoughtful of my brother to describe my current romantic situation to our fathers. But neither Papa norPaps understand what he means. If it weren’t about me, I’d enjoy the question marks in their eyes way more.
“Louis is seeing David.”
“For months.” Thanks, Luca. You too. Fantastic. I bury my face in my hands.
“Oh. That’s... uh, exciting news. How did that happen?” Papa raises his eyebrows in surprise.
“It’s only been three months, okay. And Jannis and Luca can explain how it happened much better than I can.”
Jannis gives the short version, and Luca adds unimportant details like “And they meet every week” and “David always comes to the club and waits there until Lou finishes work.”
“Have you kissed yet?” Okay, I’m out. I push my chair back and leave the dining room through the patio door.
Our garden is large, so large there are corners that cannot be seen from the house. There is an old tree with thick, dense branches. As children, we always climbed it. Later, it became one of my favorite places to retreat to. The third branch from the bottom on the left side. One advantage of my small stature is that the branch can still support me.
“Can I sit with you?” Paps.
“Pick a branch.” Of course, at forty-four, my father still swings from branch to branch with the grace of a monkey.
“David, hm.”
I don’t hear a question mark and consider just staying silent, but my lips move before my brain knows what’s coming out. “We were found out.”
“Excuse me?” Okay, that was way too little context.
“Five years ago, almost six now. David wanted to come out, but then his dad had photos of us and he panicked.”
“And instead of coming out he broke up with you?” I shrug helplessly, even though Paps can’t see me from where he’s sitting. “You know, depending on how you grow up, comingout can be a really big deal. I was lucky that your grandparents showed me from an early age on that it doesn’t matter who we love. It was different for Papa. His parents never accepted he was gay, and even less so me as the man by his side.”
Ah, now that makes sense. “That’s why we have no contact with them.”
“Your grandfather has been gone for a while. His inheritance makes this possible for us.” With a sweeping gesture, he points toward the house. I know we have money, I always knew that, but I didn’t know where it came from. “Papa saw his mother for the last time when his will was read. All the family he has is what we’ve built for ourselves, but that wasn’t an easy decision. It was hard for him to know that there would be no future in which his parents and I could coexist.”
“But he chose you.”
“Yes, but he also had the assurance that his parents wouldn’t completely abandon him. They knew he was gay even before I came into the picture. They didn’t want to see us together, but they didn’t cut him off either. And if I understand you correctly, that’s what David is afraid of.” I take a deep breath. Why does everything have to be so damn complicated? Why can’t everyone be as cool as my fathers? They would have been okay with me bringing a girl home, even though they are into men themselves.
“You know, Lou, Jannis isn’t wrong. You loved him back then and you still love him. In five years, no one else has even come close to winning your heart.” That’s painfully correct and isn’t due to a lack of trying.
“But isn’t it completely crazy to get back together with someone who hurt you so badly?”
“David didn’t leave you because he didn’t love youanymore or because he hoped to find someone better. He left you because he was afraid of his parents’ reaction. That’s a difference. I’m glad we know now that he’s just a scared boy and not an asshole.” My head tells me he’s right, but my wounded heart is still ringing the alarm. As always, when I’m not with him, when I have time to think.
When we’re together, it’s like nothing has changed. It feels familiar and so incredibly close. It’s as if the years and an ocean of tears no longer lay between us.
“Yes. But... what if it’s still not enough? He’s decided against me once. I’m so fucking scared he’ll do it again and I won’t survive that.”
“That’s why you’re keeping him at a distance?”
“Actually, I’m not even sure if he’s out now. I don’t feel like he’s actively hiding us, but we’re far away from home and there’s nothing to hide yet.” Although, he didn’t pull his hand away in the club.
“Does it matter to you if he’s out or not? Are you willing to give up your visibility if you can’t be together otherwise? Coming out is always a big step, you can’t force him if he’s not ready, but I think you need to be clear with yourself about what you’re willing to put up with and what you’re not.”
A knock on my door rouses me from a pleasant state between sleep and rest. Two curly heads push through the door crack, one blond, one almost black, so different.
“Can we come in?”
