25 years
No, I didn’t drive to Karlsruhe the same night to walk into the club where Louis works, as his brothers suggested. I stood in front of it, but I was too much of a coward to go in. It was like that the following week and the week after that, and today I know why. He looks just the same as back then, hasn’t changed at all. The tousled curls are still there, as is the stubborn look in his big coffee-brown eyes. His chin is slightly raised to make him look taller, but he still doesn’t need it, because his charisma fills any room in no time. People are calling out their drink orders, but Louis just laughs—relaxedand calm in the chaos.
I think I’ve made him nervous, at least a little bit. After all, he swapped places with his colleague. Colleague? Boyfriend? The way he put his arm around Louis... it looked close. And Louis didn’t even flinch, as if it were the most normal thing in the world, and he laughed. I flinched—no, I did more than that. Everything inside me tensed up. I felt so incredibly stupid at that moment. Of course he has a boyfriend and of course he shows it openly, why shouldn’t he? The only one who can’t get his love life together is me. I had him and I gave him up; there’s no reason for Louis to still think about me. I have to let him go; my heart has to let him go. No matter in how many pieces it breaks.
***
Can we just talk for a second about how incredibly pathetic it is to go to a club alone?
After last week, I swore I’d never set foot in here again. Seven days later and hey, who cares about last week? I’m annoyed with myself because I already know how this is going to end. It’s going to hurt, and in a bad way, but apparently, I like it. Otherwise there’s no way to explain why else I’m here.
I’m here earlier than last week. My stool is still free, and I sit down at the bar. Louis sees me, but he immediately sends his boyfriend over. He doesn’t even ask but slides a vodka tonic my way.
“Ah, look who’s here. If this isn’t the ex. Are you a stalker now?” His tone is smug, a little cheeky, but not threatening, more... curious.
“And you’re the new boyfriend?”
A hearty laugh bubbles out of him. “We’d make a cute couple, wouldn’t we? But no, I’m not the new boyfriend. We’re just best friends. Happy?”
Am I happy? Not really. Karlsruhe is a big city. Just because it’s not him doesn’t mean Louis is single.
“You can guess why it’s me standing here serving you and not Louis, right? Why are you here? What do you want? And if your reason isn’t damn good, I’ll see you out after your drink, because I won’t let you hurt him again.”
“I didn’t realize Louis couldn’t take care of himself anymore.” He used to hate it when someone tried to protect him from anything.“You’re not my father! I already have two of those, I don’t need a third one.”
“What’s your name?”
“David.”
“Hello, David. My name is Paul. That over there is the most important person in my life. I don’t know what you did, but you hurt him. So much that it still pains, and I won’t let you reopen that wound. I don’t care whether Louis likes it or not. So, I’ll ask you again. Why are you here?” I swallow hard. If that’s true, maybe...
“I... uh... I met his brothers and they said... they said that...” I can’t tell him that I still love Louis, that I never stopped loving him.
“Wait a minute. I’m trying to put two and two together, but the result doesn’t make sense. You still have feelings for him?” He leans over the bar to ask me that question, whispering in my ear conspicuously.
He’s good, I have to give him that.
“Just so I understand. You thought he was with me and you came back anyway? Are you into pain, or did you plan to try your luck anyways?”
I drop my head and shrug my shoulders. Maybe I just needed tosee one last time that I had really lost him.
I sit in the same spot all night. Paul alternates between bringing me vodka tonics and water and even manages to keep my seat free when I go to the bathroom.
It’s 4:55 a.m., I’m the last guest, and in five minutes I have to leave too. Louis and Paul are already cleaning up, laughing, joking around with each other. Even though I know now they’re not a couple, seeing Louis and Paul so relaxed and carefree with each other hurts. We had that once, and I want it back. I want to be the one who makes his eyes light up, the one he laughs with so hard that tears run down his contorted face.
My stool slides back and I stand up. What the hell are my legs doing? No, stop! Suddenly I’m standing in front of him. Louis’s laughter stops abruptly. His usually full lips are just a thin line now and his eyes twitch. Is he nervous?
“Do you want to have breakfast with me?” What. The. Hell!? Am I serious? Have I completely lost my mind?
Louis looks at me with wide eyes, incredulous. I must be an exceptionally pathetic sight; he doesn’t even dare to laugh at me.
“Go home, David. But not by car, you’re drunk.”
Chapter 29
Louis
24
