Paul’s eyes widen. “Not bad. He’s hot.”
Yes, I know that. He was five years ago, and time has not diminished his attractiveness. Quite the contrary. His face is still clean-shaven, but more angular than it was back then. And unlike me, he’s one of those men who had another growth spurt at twenty. In short, Paul is drooling, and rightly so, damn it. I look down at my 5’7” frame and feel embarrassingly average compared to him.
“Make him a vodka tonic and take over this side. Can you do that?”
Paul grins. “Oh, that kind of ex. I’ll keep him away from you.” And with his most seductive grin, he swings his ass toward David.
Luckily, it’s busy and for a while I manage to ignore the looks that try to pierce my body like a thousand little needles and to don’t look back so I don’t get lost in his beautiful green eyes.
I manage to keep my pulse at a normal level and not bite my lip until it bleeds, and eventually I don’t see him anymore. Relief washes over me. I can’t do this. I can’t stand in front of him, smile at him, and pretend that everything is fine. Nothing is fine, everything hurts. Still, and it’s his fault.
Looking back, I don’t know what was worse, that he broke up with me out of the blue, without warning and without explanation, or that he kissed a girl less than two weeks later in the schoolyard. In front of everyone else, in front of me. David isn’t bi. He didn’t want anything to do with her; it was astatement. Not only did he rip my heart out, no, he also felt the need to kick me in my guts while I was already down.
Now I’m standing here, and five and a half years hasn’t been long enough to ease the pain. Even after all this time, my heart still longs for the boy I thought was the love of my life. Sometimes I’m afraid that he took my heart with him and left nothing but a big hole, so I don’t feel anything when I’m with other people.
I’ve tried. Don’t get me wrong, but on a night like tonight, I have at least five men at the bar offering me whatever I want in the bedroom.
I’ve had sex with countless men, kissed even more, always searching for that one feeling, but I’ve never felt anything but a yawning emptiness in my chest. Until tonight, and I feel the deep urge to bang my head on the counter just to feel something else. A different kind of pain.
It’s after three o’clock when it starts to empty out and Paul and I can take a breath behind the bar. Paul hugs me from behind and rests his head on my shoulder. We’re close—we have been living together for four and a half years, he’s my best friend, but there will never be anything more between us. Still, I love it when he hugs me and holds me when he senses that I need it.
“Ahh, you two are so cute together. When are you going to make it official? It’s about time.” One of our regulars teases us—they know we’re gay, and most of the other guests are gone. Except for the dark blond man with ear-length hair sitting at the other end of the long bar with his head down. Shit. I thought he was gone, too.
“Wouldn’t you like to know?” Paul flirts with the girls in response. “What happens in our bedroom stays in our bedroom.”
He seductively rolls his hips and presses his flaccid cock intomy ass. Yep, we’re that hot for each other, but the girls lap up the nonsense like cold Coke and burst out laughing. I can’t stop my grin either, but only because I’d bet my car that Paul has never taken anyone from behind in his life.
“You should go to him.” Paul’s voice is soft but firm in my ear. No bullshit, no further discussion. Damn. I know he’s right, but if I had the choice, I’d rather have my wisdom teeth pulled again. All four at once with no Novocain.
“What are you doing here?” Oops, my tone is more aggressive than I intended, and David flinches on his bar stool. My arms are crossed in front of my chest, and I make myself as big and broad as possible. I’m a joke compared to him, but a good appearance is everything.
“Is that your boyfriend?” The question doesn’t surprise me that much. It’s the pain in his eyes that throws me off for a moment.
“If he were, don’t think that’s your business, is it?”
“No.” His head falls to his chest, and he exhales audibly. What the hell. I have no idea what David is trying to achieve with his performance, but he’s not the one suffering, damn it. He broke up with me, he wanted it that way, now he has to put up with it.
“So, let me ask again. Why are you here?”
“I... I wanted... I thought that maybe you... It was a shitty idea, I’m sorry.” He doesn’t even look at me as he speaks, he fiddles nervously with his hands, stutters to himself, and none of it fits with the David who was with me. Calm, yes, reserved, yes. But he was able to speak in complete and coherent sentences.
“You haven’t changed.” He shakes his head and rolls his eyes, incredulous that those words just came out of his mouth. Then he stands up, nods to me, and leaves. I leanagainst the counter behind me and let my head fall back.
“Hey, are you okay?” Paul nudges my hip with his, and I let my head fall onto his shoulder.
“I don’t know.”
“What do you mean?”
“We haven’t spoken in over five years. Since he broke up with me. And now he’s here. I don’t get it.” My heart is pounding again, and something is churning in my stomach.
“And you care about him more than you’d like to admit.” Not a question, a statement. Paul knows me too well.
Yes, I do, but I’m not ready to say that out loud.
Chapter 28
David
