“Why is he doing this? What does he want from me?” Jannis looks guiltily at his fingernails and Luca’s eyes dart around as if he’s desperately searching for something.
“Okay, new question. What the hell is going on with you guys?”
It’s Sunday afternoon, and after last night, I couldn’t go back to the apartment with Paul. For the fifth week in a row, David sat at my bar, for the fourth week in a row, he invited me to breakfast, and for the fourth time, I declined. After leaving the club I went straight to the train station and got onthe first train home. I need my family, and a change of perspective.
Papa was still a little sleepy when he picked me up at the train station at a quarter to eight, but he smiled gently and gave me a big hug. “What a nice surprise! Come on, let’s get your favorite croissants, and since we’re so early today, the chances are good to get you a chocolate bun. Or two.”
Two chocolate buns and five hours later, I’m sitting with my brothers and I’m completely stunned. “You did what?”
Well, at least Jannis feels a little bit guilty; I can see it in the small crease between his eyebrows and his pursed lips. Luca doesn’t, he doesn’t have the slightest trace of a guilty conscience; he never has. He makes his own decisions, he knows what he’s doing, and he takes responsibility for all possible consequences. Pretty mature for a fifteen-year-old. But maybe that’s how it is when you grow up like he did.
I was a foster child, too. For four years before Papa and Paps adopted me, but I was never in a group home, and I was never passed around. I always had a place, always had people who would have walked through hell and back for me and still would. My mother loved me more than her life–literally. Losing her was terrible, but my fathers did everything they could to catch me and get me back on my feet. I’ve never been alone.
“You both have mouths to talk, use them.”
Jannis clears his throat. “We met David in the bar a few days after Christmas.”
“What are you doing in the bar? You’re fifteen.” I turn to Luca.
“What can I do if no one asks for my ID?” How nice it must be to be 6’2”. “I didn’t drink anything, I swear.”
Yeah, right. Luca doesn’t get drunk, but he loves cocktails, and I can’t imagine him not drinking anything whileat the best cocktail bar in town.
“Just tell me what happened.” I’m already convinced that I don’t really want to know, but there’s no helping it.
“Your asshole ex was sitting all alone at the table in the back corner, and Jannis said he looked sad and we should ask if everything was okay. So we did.”
“That sounds nicer than it probably was, or did you talk to him yourself?” I look at Jannis, who looks at me as if I’ve lost my mind. I would’ve been surprised if he had.
“Are you serious? Luca spoke.”
“But you whispered to me what to say!”
I have a vivid picture of how that conversation went down. No-filter Luca and I’ll-twist-every-word-you-say-in-your-mouth Jannis are a nasty combination.
“What did you whisper to him?”
“He still has feelings for you,” Luca blurts out.
“And you still have feelings for him. We all know that.”
My head falls onto my chest, my voice is surprisingly calm, though I feel like screaming. “And you told him that?”
“Not exactly. But maybe that there’s still a chance?” Jannis picks nervously at his cuticles.
“Did you tell him where I work?”
“Jannis wanted me to tell him.” Luca raises his hands defensively.
“Okay, Lou, I’ll be honest. I’m not good at love stuff...” My brother swallows hard, and his voice trembles a little as if he’s about to cry, though I don’t understand why. “But for more than five years, I’ve watched you missing him, coming home every year on your anniversary and the day you broke up, because here’s the only place you can cope with your feelings. You haven’t had a boyfriend since David. You still love him.And he loves you. Even if he hadn’t said so, it was as obvious as a Post-it note on his forehead. I...”
Jannis’s voice breaks, but only for a moment. If I didn’t know him so well, I might have missed it. But then he wouldn’t have talked to me at all. “You’re both still here, after all this time, you still have feelings for each other. I just don’t want you to regret missing out on the best thing in your life. The love of your life. There are people who would do anything for the chance you two have... anything, before it’s too late.”
Shit, what a speech. My vision is pretty blurry, but I can still see the single tear running down Jannis’s cheek. I’ve never seen him cry before. I quickly get up and stand between his legs. “Hey, are you okay? What happened?” But Jannis just shakes his head and wraps his arms around my waist.
Jannis’s emotional words have made me think. He’s right. But I’m scared, really scared. If David pulls another stunt like that... And do I really want to get back together with him? Do I still love David, or just the time we had together? Do I miss him as a person, or how we laughed together? Can you even separate those things?
Am I happy? Yes. Was I happier with David? Maybe not happier, but more… complete. Now I always feel like a part of me is missing.
