“Fifteen, but thanks to my past, I’m mature for my age.”
“Howlong have you been in the family?”
“I don’t know why that’s any of your business, but you were honest, so you get this one question. For a good three years. It was my last chance, you know?” I know the stories of Louis and Jannis, each more dramatic than the other, but they were much younger, eight and six if I remember correctly. Louis and Jannis were always close, and Luca seems to have settled in well. Apparently, fate connects.
“Do you still think about Louis sometimes?” Yes... constantly... always. His dark eyes, looking at me sadly, almost desperately, haunt me. So do the tears running down his cheeks, his trembling lower lip and his pain-contorted face. I see him in every man with dark hair and dark eyes. Everywhere. I would do anything to turn back time.
“Not going to answer?” I let my head fall back and can’t stop the groan that slips between my lips. “I’ll take that as a yes. Listen, asshole, you don’t deserve him, you really don’t. Louis felt so shitty after what you did. He loved you and you...”
“I know...” My voice is nothing more than a whisper.
“And you? Did you love him too?” I’ve never met anyone who asks the most private questions as bluntly as Luca. It annoys the shit out of me, but if I’m honest with myself, I’m also somewhat impressed by his direct manner.
“Yes, I... I loved him too...” Bullshit. “I… still love him.” I said it out loud. Wow.
I’m kind of proud of myself, but Jannis and Luca both snort at the same time, with exactly the same sarcastic undertone. Damn, it’s creepy how similar these two are, even though they’re not related by blood.
“Are you serious? And you’re just realizing this now, five years later?”
I’m talking to two teenagers about my love life... thequestion of how low I can actually sink has just answered itself. “I don’t have to discuss this with you. Honestly, it’s nothing of your concern. Mind your own business.”
“Well, if our brother isn’t our business, then I don’t know who is. But we’ll leave you alone.” Despite saying that, they don’t move so I strategically decide to remain silent. If I’m reading them correctly, it won’t stay quiet for long anyway.
“Are you planning to tell Louis how you feel about him?”
“Would it change anything?” My voice is pathetically squeaky and thin. Great.
Jannis runs a hand through his curls and exhales loudly, then whispers to Luca again. “Jannis would actually prefer if you stayed far away from our brother. You don’t deserve him. Period. But Louis doesn’t give his heart away easily. That’s why... Yes, maybe it would change something.”
A small flame ignites in my chest, a small light in my darkness. But even if Louis still has feelings for me, he’ll never take me back... Still, I have to at least try, right?
“I don’t know where he is. He has a new phone number, or he blocked me or something... his Instagram is private...”
“Wow, I sense some hard stalker vibes here.” Luca and Jannis laugh, obviously I’m so pathetic that two teenagers are laughing at me. I roll my eyes. “Do you have plans today?”
My head nods slowly.
“If you meant what you just said, you’d be driving to Karlsruhe now to be at the Chillout Lounge in the Nachtfabrik at 10 p.m.”
Louis is in Karlsruhe? We live in the same city and neither of us knew it? Or does he know, but he doesn’t care anymore? “10 p.m. is impossible to make. Will he be there all night? Does he work there?”
“Yep, but he says it gets crowded after midnight, so you won’t be able to talk then. You know where the Nachtfabrik is, right? If so, get going.” And for some reason, I do just that.
Chapter 27
Louis
24 years
“Hey, what can I...” Mid-sentence, my lungs freeze. Fuck. What is he doing here? Why is he sitting at my bar? Is this a coincidence? I’d love to continue speaking, but I feel my voice failing me, and I’m not willing to embarrass myself. So I do the only sensible thing: I turn around and walk away.
My heart is pounding. Ah, it still exists after all and it’s betraying me. Nice job. I want to touch him, to feel if his cheek is still as soft and his hands still as rough. My fingers tingle and I swallow hard.
“Can you take that guy over there, please?” I almost yellinto Paul’s ear, but it’s important. We’re working together, he needs to understand me, and he can’t hear how much my voice is trembling. Not now, not here.
“Did he hit on you?”
I quickly shake my head. “Ex.”
