What happened to him? Who did this to him? It hurts to see Philipp like this. No matter how hot I am for him, I would never take advantage of him like that, I would never do that to him.
I slowly get up and fetch a woolen blanket from my armchair and carefully cover Philipp up. "No, because I'm not sleeping with you tonight."
"Why not? What did I do wrong? I'm sorry if I did something wrong. I'll make it up to you, I can do it, I promise." Philipp still doesn't look at me, his voice is desperate.
"You haven't done anything wrong. But I would be doing everything wrong if I just took you now." I carefully stroke Philipp's back, over the blanket.
"Don't you want me?"
“I do want you, very much so, but not like that. I don't know who did this to you, that you think that's how sex works. Sex can work like this if it suits both sides, ifbothwant it like that, but you don't want it, you think you have to, you're scared and thatiswrong. Let's just lay here together..." But I don't get to finish the sentence. Philipp jumps up from the bed, gets dressed at record speed and storms out of my apartment. Fuck.
Chapter 20
Philipp – one year earlier
I can't do this anymore. After three and a half years I’ve reached rock bottom. I don't know who I am anymore, but in the back of my mind I have a blurred image of who I used to be... and who I wanted to be. And it isn’t who I am today.
When we were still at school together, there was no room for such thoughts. I was too overwhelmed by his presence. But since he graduated, and we don't see each other every day anymore, it feels like the fog is lifting. I don't think it's okay how he treats me or how he talks about me and certainly not how he talkstome. My friends said that from the beginning, but I don't have them anymore. I used to have a lot of them, but then I wasn't allowed to see them anymore and after a while no one got back to me.
“YOU WOULDN’T GO AWAY WITH HIM IF YOU REALLY LOVED ME. YOU DON’T NEED ANYONE TO TALK TO, YOU HAVE ME. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT HURTS WHEN YOU TALK TO OTHER PEOPLE, WHEN YOU DON’T TRUST ME? ARE YOU KEEPING SECRETS FROM ME?”
He was the first boy who really wanted to be with me, in a relationship. I had guys before, a bit of kissing here and there, but when it came to getting serious, they all left. He didn't, and I got attached to him and for a long time I didn't realize what was actually happening, the power he had over me. Now I'm alone, but sometimes it feels better to be alone than with him... actually always lately.
I'm dancing more again, but he can't know that. Dancing is gay... I don't understand that statement. He's with me, after all.He's never been with a girl. So obviously he’s gay, too, but I'm not allowed to dance. That's why I had to leave my last crew, because I didn’t show up for practice enough. I'm dancing by myself now, but maybe I can start practicing again. Somewhere else.
Sometimes, when I'm alone, I wonder if there might be more out there for me. Someone who’ll look at me with love, not disgust. I know why he does this. I get it. I can understand that he doesn't want to look at me, at least not naked. When I'm dressed, in public, he shows me off like his pretty trophy. Alone... not so much. But he puts up with me. That's something, isn't it? If I can't have love, if I'm not good enough to be loved, I guess I have to take what I can get, right?
I look at the clock, seven minutes to go. Then the phone will ring, as it does every evening. If I don't answer after the third ring at the latest, I'll have to listen to another tirade again. But it doesn't matter today. I couldn't answer my cell phone at the usual time at school and missed six messages.
"What are you doing?"
"Why aren't you answering?"
"You have a break. Would you rather spend it with someone else than with me?”
“Are you getting fucked in the boys' bathroom? Why aren't you answering me?”
“Am I not good enough for you anymore?"
"You're nothing without me, remember that! You have no one without me!"
True, I am alone without him, but since I stopped seeing him every day, I'm starting to appreciate being alone more and more. I can be alone. Right? He says no one will ever love me the way he does, but do I really want to be loved like that? I don't think so.
Two minutes left. I can feel my hands getting sweaty and my stomach tightening. My mind's running in circles through all the scenarios that could await me on the phone. Humiliation, disappointment, insults, tears, despair... It rings. "Hey..."
"Ah, my boyfriend does me the honor. Very gracious. Am I good enough for you to answer my call now?"
"I had to discuss something with a teacher during break today..."
"I don't give a shit! Do you know what I've been thinking? Always these images in my head of you with some other guy!"
As if he'd ever seen me with anyone else. I feel myself getting angry. That's new. Usually I get defensive, try to appease him, but today I’m just pissed. That will backfire, I know it. I've had to pay dearly for every little rebellion so far. But today I can't control myself.
"Maybe I want something with another guy. Maybe I want something with someone who trusts me and gives me freedom." That was a mistake.
"Don't you love me anymore? You know you're my whole world. I'm nothing without you. I need you. I'm only like this because I can't live without you. You made me like this!"
I don't know what's wrong with me today. It usually hits me when he talks like that. That's how he always gets me, with my guilty conscience and the hope that he's telling the truth. Not today. “I still love you. But I can't go on like this. I feel like I'm suffocating. I need air to breathe. I can't even go to school normally."
