"I promise you I'll do better. Tell me what you need, and I'll do it for you!" Today it's desperation. I hate that the most because he always softens me up with it. Because he always makes me promises and doesn't keep them, yet every time I have hope. This time it's different though. It took me over three years to get to where I am today. I understand what he's playing at,and yet I can't get away. "You have no one without me! You're nothing without me!"
"I don't need anything. I need me. I don't know who I am anymore. Since the summer holidays, I'm starting to get an idea of who I used to be when I was thinking for myself and making decisions for myself, and you know what? I like that. I want to keep searching for who I am and what I'm made of."
"I haven't heard shit like that in a long time. Who gave you that fucked up idea? You know nothing good comes out of you thinking too much."
"I don't want to do this anymore." Did I really just say that?
"What's that supposed to mean? Are you breaking up with me? On the phone? You can’t even look me in the eye? Are you really that pathetic?"
Yes, I am. "Yes, I'm breaking up with you." There's a click on the line. Then I have my home screen back on my cell phone. He has hung up. I'm scared. Scared that he could be at my door in fifteen minutes and start a riot. My parents would never let him in if I told them what was going on. So, I go upstairs, then collapse on my bed in tears.
After ten minutes, a message arrives. "Thank you for the wonderful time. My life makes no sense without you. Maybe you’ll still think of me sometimes when you look up into the sky. I can't live without you. I will love you forever, take care."
I am... angry. Yes, I already was earlier, but now I'm really angry. He's blackmailing me with the worst he can do to me, and he knows it. He's destroying me. Knows I could never live with this guilt and yet there's no going back. I can't go back. I call his parents, describe the situation to his mother on the phone. I know he's at home. She says she'll take care of it. That's all I can do. No matter what happens, it's not my fault... is it?
I'm alone. I curl up on my bed, the tears flowing without end in sight. I can't call anyone to be there for me. I have no one. I am alone.
Chapter 21
Philipp
He doesn't want me. I've done everything wrong. He's disappointed, dissatisfied. He saw me and didn't want me. The idea alone was ridiculous, but for a brief moment it felt so good. So real. My ex was right, no one wants me.
"YOU CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT, NOTHING AT ALL! LOOK AT YOU, BE GLAD YOU HAVE ME. YOU'RE NOTHING WITHOUT ME. KEEP YOUR SHIRT ON! DO YOU THINK I WANT TO SEE THAT? OR EVEN TOUCH IT? YOUR LUCK IS THAT YOU HAVE A HOT ASS WHERE I CAN STICK MY COCK. THAT'S ALL YOU'RE GOOD FOR! I'LL TALK TO YOU THE WAY YOU DESERVE!"
His voice in my head gets louder and louder. One year later, and I can still hear him so crystal clear. I've convinced myself that it was him, that he treated me badly, kept me down, but he was right about me. Tears well up in my eyes and I can't hold them back.
"SISSY! PUSSY! CHICK!"
I walk and walk, my vision blurred and, at some point, I realize I’m lost. I’m in the middle of Strasbourg somewhere, but Strasbourg isn’t a small town. Shit. I look for my phone to see where the next tram stop is, but it's gone. It probably slipped out of my pocket and then everything went down so fast... fuck. I lean against the nearest wall and slump down, burying my head on my knees and in my arms.
"Hey, are you alright?" My French isn't great, but it's good enough for the basics. The young couple looks down at me withconcern, they seem nice, not threatening, but what do I know. My ex was always nice too... I shake the thought away and answer in English.
"I don't really know where I am and my phone is gone."
"Do you want to call someone, or should we take you somewhere?"
"To a tram stop perhaps?" I just want to go home.
"That won't really help you, I guess. Based on your accent, you have to get over the border, right? To Kehl? Or even further?"
"Even further."
"There’re no more trains until tomorrow morning and you don't want to spend the night at the main station, believe me." There was something, right. Shit. I hang my head.
"Why are you in Strasbourg? Do you have friends here?"
I can't go back to Adrien, but I wouldn't be able to find my way anyway and I don't have his address. Nika... It's late, very late, half past two, but that would work, wouldn't it? "A friend of mine lives here."
Apparently, we're not that far away, at least that's what they say when I give them her address. And sure enough, fifteen minutes later we're at her front door.
"Thank you so much for picking me up." My head hangs between my shoulders and I look down at my feet.
"It's all good. You looked like you'd had a rough night. I never would have forgiven myself if you'd hurt yourself, even accidently."
I shake my head. No, I wouldn't have, not that. I'm not saying I deal with my emotions in a healthy way, but I know what it feels like to lose someone, suddenly and without warning. I know we're never safe, but I would never do that to someone on purpose, ever. I have other methods if it has to hurt.
"LEAVE YOUR SHIRT ON! THAT'S DISGUSTING! NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THAT!"
