The escape room was great fun. We complemented each other well and even had ten minutes left at the end. Nika has a totally crazy way of thinking. At first, her suggestions and conclusions made zero sense. She made connections that none of us understood. Philipp and I looked at each other more than once – only in the end, she was right about everything.
When we stumble out of our favorite bar, it's just before 1 am. Philipp and I quickly found our way back to the closeness we had at Élias's parents. There was the usual hesitation and twitching and tension that goes with Philipp, but he doesn't push me away.
The night is cold and with my arm on his shoulder I hold him close to my body. Philipp is so tall that it's not that easy, but we make it work.
"Put the phone away, you can't go home at this time of night!" How the hell does Nika know what he's doing with his phone? Can she read his mind?
"Yes, I can see that too."
"You can just crash on our couch." Élias and Nika walk ahead of us and Nika doesn't even turn around while talking to Philipp.
"You could also... I mean, only if you want to, it's totally okay if you prefer to spend the night with the two of them, but we've already been together..." It's a perfectly normal question, why am I so damn nervous? I turn my head to the side and whisper in Philipp's ear. Very quietly. If he doesn't want to answer me, he can just pretend he didn't hear.
"Do you want to spend the night with me?"
"Okay..." His answer is as quiet as my question, but it doesn't matter. He has chosen me and my heart skips a beat.
***
I can clearly see how nervous Philipp is the closer we get tomy apartment and as I take out the keys, he takes a deep breath and exhales loudly. When we get upstairs, I take his jacket from him. "Do you want a drink?"
"Just a glass of water?" At first, I thought it was just some kind of empty phrase because he doesn't really know what to say. But then he empties the glass in one go.
We are more alone than ever before. There's so much I'd like to say to Philipp, show him, do, but I don't want to unsettle him or scare him off. I want him to feel safe with me. I carefully reach for the empty glass and take it from his hand, then I cup his face with both hands. We stand so close our bellies are almost touching.
"You are so beautiful. I could look at you forever." I gently stroke my thumbs over his nostrils and along his cheek following the countless brown little dots that spread on his face. "Your freckles drive me crazy."
"Yes?" Philipp's voice is quiet, incredulous.
"Yes, definitely! I would kiss every single one if I could."
"Okay..." With just this one trembling word, he closes his eyes.
I start at his temple, a place I've kissed many times before, he knows the feeling there. Then I slowly move over his cheek to Philipp's nose with small, gentle kisses. From there, I find my way over his chin to the corner of his mouth. My last stop would be that one freckle on his upper lip, but I'm not sure if I really dare to do that. Philipp seems relaxed, he's waiting, he knows what's coming and in the softest kiss ever, my lips very lightly touch his.
We kiss. Philipp is kissing me, his lips on mine, and I can hardly believe what's happening. My hands carefully clasp his narrow hips. I feel like I'm flying blind, I can't tell what's okay for him and what's not, I don't want to overwhelm him. We don’tneed to rush, we have all the time in the world. His body feels so good, so close to mine, firm and muscular, his lips full and soft. We're almost the same height and I love it.
His hands are on my chest and I don't know if he even notices, but they're moving all the time. Not in a good way, nervous rather, unsure. He opens and closes his palms, pulls back briefly and then touches me again, as if he doesn't know whether he can touch me or not. Or wants to touch me. But he doesn't push me away.
I don't know how long we've been standing like this, but when my legs get wobbly, I push Philipp towards the bed and carefully lay him down before lowering myself over him.
Philipp is nervous, his fingers are clawing at my shoulders and his eyebrows keep twitching. I'm still not sure how much experience he has, but I thought Nika talked about an ex-boyfriend once. So why is he so nervous?
I slowly slide my hand under his t-shirt. Philipp flinches at the first contact with his skin. In one swift movement, he turns away from under me and stands up. With his head down, he opens his pants and lets them slide to the floor along with his boxer briefs. He doesn't even look at me and I try to understand what's going on, because one thing is obvious from his body language alone, this is not good.
With his pants still around his ankles, he sinks to all fours on the bed, his absolutely hot ass pushed up for me, his head buried between his arms so that I can't see him. I'm still lying on the bed and have no idea what to do. "What are you waiting for? This is what you want, isn't it?"
"Excuse me?"
"You want to... I get it. But..." Philipp's voice trembles, his whole body shaking.
Without thinking, I grab his forearm. "What's wrong?"
"I know it's a lot to ask, but would it be okay if you prepped me first? Otherwise it hurts so much." He speaks so quietly I can barely hear him and honestly I hope I misheard him. What the fuck? I'm so stunned I'm at a loss for words, completely, speechless.
"Please..." His voice is nothing more than a soft whimper and Philipp's whole body is tensed up and this time I'm sure of it. He is scared, almost panicked.
"No." Shit, I should have put that differently, because a desperate sob escapes from between the pillows and arms.
