"Come to me... please."
Everything inside me is fighting. I feel so naked, caught out, exposed. None of this is Adrien's fault. He holds out his hand to me. What is he thinking about me now? I look hesitantlyinto his eyes, searching for disgust or rejection, but there's nothing there. More like... compassion? Understanding? I look for a crease between his eyebrows, any sign that he's angry or disappointed. Nothing. An uncertain smile plays around Adrien's lips.
It's loud in my head, nothing I haven't heard a thousand times before. I'm torn, because the words in my head don't match Adrien's facial expression and even less his open attitude.
Ever since I've known Adrien, he has always looked out for me, always shown consideration and never betrayed my trust.
"OH GOD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE NOW! OR DO I HAVE TO COME AND GET YOU? I AM YOUR BOYFRIEND! I CAN HAVE WHATEVER I WANT FROM YOU, WHENEVER I WANT! DON'T BE LIKE THAT! BE GLAD THAT I WANT YOU AT ALL! WITHOUT ME YOU'D STILL BE A VIRGIN! NOBODY WANTS YOUR PATHETIC ASS BUT ME! NOW SHOW ME HOW MUCH YOU LOVE ME!"
Maybe I'd rather still be a virgin, then I'd be tingly and excited when I think about sex. Now I feel the pain and it’s so real that just thinking about it makes me grimace and squint my eyes.
A large hand grabs mine and pulls me out of my thoughts. It gently guides me towards the bed. My heart is pounding in my throat. What happens now?
I try to stay rational. Adrien has never hurt me, neither mentally nor physically, he's not going to start now. But my body reacts on its own and I start to shake.
Just before I'm about to fall onto the bed, I feel Adrien. He's still holding my hand and his forehead is touching mine. "We should get some sleep. Tomorrow will be a busy day and we should be well-rested. It's going to be a long drive."
My eyes are still closed, I can't look him in the eye. But Adrien says nothing. Gently but firmly, he pushes me onto the bed andI roll onto my side. I'm surprised when the bed sinks in behind me. That he still wants to be close to me after all this. It's so completely incomprehensible to me.
Adrien lies down behind me, his chest nestles against my back and he gives me a light kiss on the back of my neck. My head leans into his touch of its own accord, there's nothing I can do about it. Adrien's hand finds its usual place on my stomach and I calm down. My head becomes quiet.
Chapter 19
Adrien
"Hey, are you alright?" Élias taps me on the shoulder from behind and then stops next to me.
"Yes, I’m fine. You?" It's hard for me to tell him that I miss Philipp and that I'm about to break because I haven't heard from him since we got back. Which is because we didn’t exchange phone numbers. Such a rookie mistake. Now I have to hope that he either confirms my follower request on Instagram or that Nika and Élias are planning something together again.
"Everything's fine with me, but why don't I believe a word you say?" Caught out, I roll my eyes and my best friend laughs. "Dark clouds in paradise? How are things with Philipp?"
"I don't know... I haven't heard from him since Saturday. We haven't exchanged numbers..."
Élias furrows his eyebrows in confusion. "Why not? Nika and I were sure it would work out with you. You were so close at my parents’."
Just thinking about our time with Élias's family brings a smile to my face. I've only ever been with a man behind closed doors. Not having to hide, just being able to do what feels right without having to worry about anyone saying anything... that was a really good feeling. I’m not sure I could do the same here. Here, where there are people who know me, who could talk behind my back...
Élias's parents were with Philipp and me the same way as they were with Nika and her son. Ever since my involuntary outing in Paris, I was afraid of having to do this again at somepoint. I had a firm plan to simply not fall in love. Problem solved. And then Philipp came along... this beautiful man who still has no idea what he's doing to me when he looks at me with those mossy-green eyes, when he smiles and his freckles dance.
I still try figure him out yet. I can tell that physical closeness is difficult for him, that he's scared, that he's struggling. But I can also feel how he relaxes in my arms, even if he needs a moment to let himself go. Perhaps he has had bad experiences, which would explain why he needs time to allow closeness at all. That's why I haven't kissed Philipp yet, not on the lips. We have time.
"Hello? Adrien?"
"Hm? Oh, shit! Sorry! What did you say?"
"I'd love to look inside your head." Grinning, Élias shakes his head. "Do you have plans tonight?"
"Shall we pick up Nika from practice?" I've been waiting for this chance all week!
"We would do that. And after, Nika had the idea that we could try out this new escape room... the four of us." He looks at me expectantly with wide, innocent eyes, but I don't buy the innocence as he's trying to stifle his grin.
"You two are impossible." I shake my head reprovingly, but I laugh. "Thank you."
"Not for that, you two belong together. The night is long, make something of it!"
***
The look on Philipp's face when he saw me in the doorway to the dance studio was priceless. Before his brain realized what he was doing, a smile flitted across his face and his eyes lit up. The moment was brief, too quickly the shadow enveloped him again, but it was real and that gives me hope.
