I walk slowly towards him with open arms. "May I?" A hesitant nod, then Philipp moves towards me. His eyes on the ground, but with brisk steps. I wait for him to stop, but he only stops when his curls touch my shoulder.
Chapter 18
Philipp
"WHAT THE FUCK? AM I YOUR MOMMY? PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER! ALWAYS SUCH A DRAMA QUEEN! OVER EVERY LITTLE THING! YOU'RE SO WHINY! IF I LIKED PUSSY I'D BE WITH A GIRL!"
His voice is loud, so terribly loud. I'm caught between panic and something new... an almost painful need for closeness. It's raging in my head and he's screaming at me. But I long so much for the feeling I had this afternoon. That brief moment of freedom was so... I felt so light.
Adrien took me by surprise when he stole my hat, so there was no time to think about what I did. I have no idea when I last felt so myself.
"I'm here, no matter how much time you need. I'll wait for you."Adrien's voice, so gentle, so genuine, so unlike anything I knew. I believed every word he said in that moment. And when he held me like that, with his hand on the back of my neck... okay, admittedly, for the first ten seconds I was waiting for him tighten his grip but when nothing happened it felt good, safe.
I've never felt safe since my ex. I want that feeling back, desperately, and I'm willing to fight for it. Against myself and against the angry, humiliating screaming in my head.
"May I?" Adrien stands in front of me with open arms. Yes, I want that.I want this. My legs are moving, there's no turning back now.
"DON'T MAKE A FOOL OF YOURSELF! NOBODY BUT ME WILL EVER LOVE YOU! TAKE OFF YOUR T-SHIRT AND LOOK IN THE MIRROR! IF HE SAW YOUR ARMS, HE WOULD NEVER TOUCH YOU. NEVER! THAT'S SO DISGUSTING! NO ONE WILL EVER WANT TO TOUCH YOU! NO ONE BUT ME!"
My head screams back. "But I don't want to be touched byyou! Not like that! Never again!" Two strong arms embrace my shoulders. I can feel the strength behind them, but also the calm and warmth. Adrien holds me for I don’t know how long.
Suddenly he moves. In one swift movement, he turns me around and I brace myself for the impact. If I'm lucky, he’ll only throw me onto the bed, if not I’ll be up against the wall. Then he’ll fix me with his firm grip on my head and pull down my boxers. I squeeze my eyes shut and wait... But again, nothing happens.
Slowly, he moves us towards the window. His chest close to my back, his hands on my stomach. "Look, the moon!"
I carefully open my eyes. The room is brighter than before and a beautiful full moon is shining on us. The dark cloud that shrouded the room in darkness just five minutes ago has disappeared. My head falls back onto Adrien's shoulder. Very gently, like everything he does, he leans his head down. His stubbly cheek against mine. I try to take a deep breath and surprise myself as a rush of air fills my lungs. I can breathe, Adrien lets me breathe.
***
The last few days have been different and new. Beautiful. Unfamiliar. Always scary. This here with Adrien is so beyond my comfort zone, so far away from anything I considered normal in my last relationship.
It makes no difference to Adrien whether we are alone or in public. Gentle touches when he passes by, a hand on my back, two warm hands on my stomach and his chin on my shoulder. A tender kiss on my forehead or temple. So inconspicuous and so casual, as if they were the most normal things in the world. But they’re not. At least not for me.
My ex touched me for two reasons. In public to mark his territory and at home for sex. When we were out, all it took was another guy looking at me for two seconds too long and I already had his tongue down my throat, aggressive and demanding. Or a hand on the back of my neck, with a tight grip. Thumb on one side, remaining fingers on the other, so he could take me if he had to.
He often had to, had to show the others their place... or me. But the thing is, I knew where I stood. Whether I liked it or not, I had a place, I knew the rules. Now I don't know anything anymore.
When Adrien puts his hand on my back, I think I'd like to lean against it. But then I get scared. What if this is wrong? What will happen then?
I would’ve never been allowed to do that with my ex. None of what he did was tender or gentle, none of it had anything to do with affection. It was never about me; it was always about him. His ego, his reputation, his needs. I don't know what this new intimacy means and what I have to do, and I think Adrien senses my insecurity and my fear. He very carefully seeks out to be near me—to touch me—and it feels incredibly close and intimate. I've never felt this close to my ex. I've never seen anything derogatory in his eyes when Adrien looks at me. Instead, there's so much warmth, always a slight smile on his lips.
His appearance doesn't match the way he is here with me at all. The tattoos and piercings make him look tough, add that to his quiet and shy manner and you'd think Adrien wasunapproachable. Yet he is closer to me than anyone has ever been before. Not physically, because even if I don't talk about it, Adrien senses that I can't take this step yet. But emotionally, it feels like he sees me.
"YES, HE SEES YOU! ABSOLUTELY! WITH A T-SHIRT OR SWEATER! EVERYONE KNOWS YOU’RE GOOD LOOKING AS LONG AS YOU'RE DRESSED. HE'S GONE AS SOON AS HE'S SEEN YOUR ARMS. NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THE BLOOD. NOBODY WANTS TO TOUCH YOUR SCARS! YOU ARE SO PATHETIC! YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN, AM I RIGHT?"
Shit! Startled by the loud words in my head, I pull my right hand out of my left t-shirt sleeve. Fuck! Blood and scabs are hanging under my fingernails and a small red trickle is making its way down my upper arm.
"Hey, what's that? You're bleeding."
Oh no... he's seen it, he knows what I'm doing. When did he even come back? Shit...! Adrien's hand comes closer and closer. "May I?"
"No!" With just that one word, I run into the bathroom locking myself in.
It takes me a while to stop the bleeding, but when I come out of the bathroom about an hour later, Adrien is still sitting on our bed. I can't even look at him... how am I supposed to sleep in one bed with him after that?
My eyes search for a safe place while I stand helplessly in the middle of the room.
Adrien pats wordlessly on the mattress next to him. I shake my head resolutely.
