“But how you preached about loyalty made me realise I’m not meant for you. I understand what you’ve been through and know how hard it is for you to trust someone, a man, to be precise, again. I know it’s difficult for you to be with someone like me, and I completely get that. I see it’s tough for you to trust a man like me again. I understand… I really do. And the way you look at me, Suman, I see a hope in your eyes that I’ve never seen in any woman before. Honestly, it scares me. It reminds me of my past and makes me aware that I’m not a good man, not for any woman, and especially not for you. It puts me on edge, Suman. I’m afraid of hurting you. I don’t want to, and I knew I couldn’t keep you in the dark,” he said, looking at me.
“Suman,” he called, and I took a deep breath before turning to face him. Tears streamed down my cheeks.
“Suman, I cannot hide these things from you. I have killed people, and I have slept with women for information, sympathy, and even pleasure. I’m not the good man you think I am. I play with words; I am clever and make people do what I want. I am too bad for you. I do not expect you to love me; I cannot. I don’t deserve that after everything I have done in my life. I’m not a good man, and I know you cannot trust someone like me. I understand it’s difficult for you. Being with me will always keep you on edge; you might suspect me cheating on you, hiding from you, or something like that. It’s understandable. You truly deserve better, Suman. I’m telling you this now because I find myself again at that point in life where I am seeking an escape, running from everything to find someone to hold on to. One more day with you and my guard will break, and I’ll never be able to return from that.”
He lowered his gaze and inhaled deeply.
“I’m falling for you, Suman,” he said, and I let more tears stream down my face.
“And I don’t have decent intentions for you, either. I want to be with you, no matter what. I want to be with you for the rest of my life. But…” he drawled, and I looked up at him.
“But?” I asked, waiting for his answer.
He gulped.“But if we were to be together, there wouldn’t be any space for doubts, suspicions, or escape. You will be my everything, and I will be your everything,” he said, and I lowered my gaze.
“And there will be no one between us. Not your deceased husband, not the women I’ve met, and not even the world. I’ll be there for you, and you will be there for me. I want to explore everything with you, and you can do the same. There will be no titles between us. I won’t be the prince, and you won’t be the maid. We will be two individuals, two souls,” he said, holding my hand.
“I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Suman. But you don’t have to say anything right now,” he shook his head.“Take your time. If you want to leave, I won’t stop you. You’ll find someone much better than me. Even Bhan Singh is a good man. I’ve heard things about him. He’s someone I’ve never met before,” he chuckled.
“I’m not lying, Suman. I’m a bad man; you don’t have to be with me. You earn for yourself; you’re on your own. You don’t need me or any man if you don’t want to. Because of that incident, you don’t have to be with me. You have the freedom to decide, and I’m not in any hurry. You can tell me whenever you want. You don’t have to be with me if you don’t want to,” he kept repeating the exact words again and again, and I closed my eyes, exhaling heavily.
I didn’t know what to say. It was all too much. I let fresh tears roll down my cheeks.
“I want to go home,”I pulled my hands out of his hold.“I want to go home, Kunwar-sa,” I said, rising to my feet, wiping my tears.
His voice turned hoarse.“Oh, okay,”
I watched him wipe his tears before walking toward Ashwait.
I felt a storm—a storm of life, pain, and love—engulf my heart.
He helped me onto the horse and climbed behind me. The ride back to the palace was silent, and when I stepped down from the horse, I immediately turned to return to my room. But he held my hand and stopped me.
I tried not to cry as I looked into his swollen eyes.
“Are you okay, Suman?” he asked softly.
I looked at the ground, speechless, feeling a deep sense of brokenness inside.
“I need time, Kunwar-sa,” I mumbled.
He nodded and let go of my hand. I didn’t know why, but hearing that from him felt more brutal. I always knew he had a past filled with women. It was something I couldn’t say I hadn’t expected. I had a hunch, but it hurt even more to know.
I returned to my room and sat on the mattress, pulling my knees to my chest as I cried.
It hurt. It was painful. I felt betrayed. I didn’t understand why. My heart felt heavy as tears kept rolling down my cheeks. There was a strange weight on my chest, something I couldn’t shake off.
Why did he have to tell me all of it? I wish he hadn’t. I could understand what he had gone through because I had spent my life running from one thing to another, losing hope in people. But why did he have to tell me in this way? When he mentioned that he had lost parts of himself in the past and that they would never return, it pierced my heart. I didn’t know what to do.
I closed my eyes and let silent tears fall, unsure why I was crying. I lay back and hid under the comforter, his words lurking in my mind.
I knew I wouldn’t be his first or second, but I didn’t want to know that.
I didn’t know how to face him anymore.
We weren’t in love, so why did it hurt so much? My heart broke even more when I learned my husband had slept with another woman.
Kunwar-sa hadn’t cheated on me; he hadn’t even looked at another woman since me, and had shared everything about his past, yet it still hurt. Something was happening inside me; it felt as if history would repeat itself, like another, even more brutal pain was waiting for me. I didn’t know how to trust him.
