“I went to that brothel again to find that woman. I needed my time now; this time, I wanted to talk. Instead, I met a young, beautiful woman who was timid and in pain. She asked me the same question about what I needed. I didn’t know what I wanted, so I asked her what she wanted. She smiled and told me how attractive she found me. She said she had never met a handsome man like me and was never satisfied,”
He paused briefly.
I looked at his thumb, picking at his finger and whitening the knuckles with his gripping strength.
I quietly reached for his hand and whispered,“You can tell me anything, Kunwar-sa.”
He smiled weakly and looked at me.“Call me Agastya; it’ll be easier for me to share,” he gulped, and a tear escaped his eyes.
I gulped nervously and felt an ache in my heart, seeing the tears in his eyes.
“You can tell me anything, Agastya,” I said, and he smiled, looking down.
“I spent the night with her, and that night, I felt different. It was something more than I had ever experienced. She was the woman who looked at me with a spark in her eyes and a hint of shyness on her face. She was amazed, and when I was leaving, she touched my feet and said she had never met a gentleman who treated her the way I did.”
I felt a pang in my chest hearing him. The mention of another woman hurt me.
“But I never met her again. A prince bought her and gifted her to someone,” he said, and I looked at the hurt on his face.
“I never got the chance to tell her about myself. It hurt for days. I thought I would save her, protect her from the bad, from other men, but I didn’t dare do that. I couldn’t tell anyone about it. Then I started running away from the emptiness, guilt, and regret, all along with me,” he broke down, letting the tears fall freely.
“I felt weaker, even more than before. I tried to focus completely on my studies and pay attention to what mattered the most. I didn’t know where my life was heading. I was growing restless day by day. I couldn’t forget everything that had happened. Then, one day, my teacher asked me to gather information about a kingdom. An opportunity I needed. He placed his trust in me, and I began the mission,” he said, and I noticed the slight smile on his face.
“I was determined to get information about a trade between two kingdoms. I disguised myself as a soldier and spied closely, but they grew suspicious and dismissed me from my post. I lost the opportunity to enter the kingdom, but I learned the king was attending a celebration, and a well-known dance house was summoned for the occasion. I visited this dance house hoping to make some contacts, but I failed miserably as the women were reluctant to speak with a man. However, one adult woman pulled me into her room and asked what I wanted. I explained I was seeking information. She offered help, but asked for something in return.”
I creased my brows and asked,“What did she ask you to do?”
He lowered his gaze and looked at me.
“What would a woman ask a handsome young man to do?” he replied, and I gasped.
“Oh,”
He nodded.“She asked me for the same thing, but I didn’t want that; I wanted to do it without involving dirty tactics. But she was adamant. I offered her twice what I had before. She said she could make plenty of money dancing at the celebrations. She wanted to dominate a man for a night, just as men had dominated her. She was furious about being treated the way men had treated her. I understood the pain behind her words, and I didn’t have many options. I agreed. She asked me to get on my knees,” he said, and my eyes widened with shock. But I kept still, not letting out a word, listening to his every word.
“That night, I obeyed her every request. I did whatever she asked me to do. She dominated me, pulled my hair, choked me, and cursed me provocatively, releasing all of her frustration. That was the first time I felt scared of a woman. I truly did. I’d never seen such a sight of a woman before. And even though I didn’t say anything, it hurt me. The next morning, she agreed to do that for me and told me how she had been kidnapped and brought here because she was beautiful. I was clueless about where life was taking me, Suman,” he said with a tearful gaze. And I didn’t know what to say.
“I don’t want to keep you in the dark, Suman. I can’t predict what part of my past will come before me, threatening my present; I just don’t want to keep you in the dark and be caught off guard when it does abruptly,” he said, and I smiled weakly.
“You know, after that, I accepted I was an evil man, a terrible human being. I accepted I was worthless, and my life took a depressing turn. I got the information about that kingdom, but in return, I lost a part of myself. My teacher was happy with it, and he asked me for information more often. I made contacts. You know, there’s something strange about this world. People say men dominate it. They say men make the rules and own them. But, surprisingly, my experience was novel. I found no man who hadn’t been in touch with a woman. And I had found no woman whom a man did not hurt. I learnt this and used it as my trick. I’d be good to women, they’d be good to me, and it would always be mutually beneficial,” he said, and I sucked my lip.
“Did you ever hurt any woman? I mean, it would not be too difficult for a woman to fall for you,” I said slowly, and he shook his head.
“For women, I’m not made for love. They knew what I was doing, and no woman would fall in love with a man like me. Never. They would enjoy me and share their stories, but wouldn’t ask about me. In all of this, I went too far and forgot why I stepped out of my home,” he said, and I lowered my gaze.
“I forgot what I wanted; I forgot I left my home to talk, to tell someone how empty I was feeling. My charm, smile, and jokes masked it all for me. No one would ever guess that I was feeling empty inside. They always saw me as joyful, lovely, and delightful to spend time with,” he said, and I blinked quietly.
“And with all the emptiness, guilt, and regrets, I never found the courage to tell any woman I liked or had feelings for her. I was too afraid of rejection and being laughed at. For instance, I once told a girl I enjoyed spending time with her, and she laughed at me. She mocked me and said she was having fun with me, too. Since then, emotional connections have become something I thought I would never experience. I lost hope. Then, one day, when I gathered all my courage to tell this beautiful princess that I liked her, she called me a manwhore,” he said, exhaling.
“And honestly, I am a manwhore, Suman,” he said.
I gulped silently, looking at the fire, because I didn’t know what to say. I felt bad, but there was something else that I felt. I never expected his past to be like this.
“I’m not a good man, Suman. I’m not like my brothers, who saved themselves for their wives. I’m a spoiled man. It was too late when I realised I was a spoiled man. I cannot erase what I have done. I did all this consciously, and I cannot express my disdain for them in kind words because it is what it is. In all this, I have lost a part of myself, Suman. I can never be whole again. My thoughts are always scattered, and I carry so much within me I can never be empty again,” he said, and I saw fresh tears rolling down his cheeks.
“I lost all hope of finding that one person who would ask me what I had within me until I met this woman who needed saving. After spending my early adulthood with many women, I developed a soft spot for them. Their stories shaped me. Any day, I would choose to save a woman over my happiness. That’s why when I read the letter for you, I couldn’t stop myself from searching for you,” he said, and I inhaled sharply. Tears blurred my vision.
“I couldn’t stop myself from fighting for you. I wanted to protect you, to save you, and bring you back home. But I had to pretend to marry you to keep you safe. Trust me, I’ve done nothing like that for any woman before. I felt nothing while I did it; it was purely for your safety. I knew I was protecting you, just another woman under the rule of a male-dominated society. But the moment we entered this cottage, in my childhood home, I felt like I finally had a chance to tell someone about myself,” he said, and I bit my lower lip, trying not to cry.
