“Well, maybe if we get time, we can go see you coach,” he said.
“Shit, if you want to come down for a practice and make these kids lose their shit it would be even better,” I chuckled.
“Damn, that would be cool; maybe I can convince Hunter,” he said. “We could play on the ice one more time.”
“Actually, if you guys are up for it, maybe we can swing a practice with the kids on New Years. our first line needs work,” I said, as an idea started to form.
“I’m down, but I might need to convince Hunter. I’m sure that won’t be too hard especially if I get help from Valencia,” he chuckled.
I laughed. “Well let me know and I can work something out, even if it's just my first line, but let me call and accept my job first.”
“Alright, Coach,” Gomez said, and it felt right. “I’ll let you know by tonight.”
“Sounds great. Bye, Gomez.”
“Bye, Webber.”
We hung up, and while I still felt a little chaotic, I felt better knowing what I was going to do with my life at the moment, even if I felt like nothing could move forward without talking to Forest first. I decided to make my way to the ranch in the hope of talking with him one more time, even if it was just to say goodbye. I needed this, we deserved this.
My hands were clammy as I pulled up to the old barn, figuring this was the best place to find him. I called Miles on the way over here telling him to decline Toronto's offer and that I was officially retiring from hockey. He didn’t say anything, but I heard the disappointment in his voice. Miles tried one more time to get me to reconsider, that one more year wouldn’t be too bad so I could still get re-signed and play for a few more years. I said no with more conviction, and this time he believed me. I said no for me, for my happiness.
I would miss Miles and that part of my life, but the prospect of coaching was something new and exciting. I couldn’t wait to do something different that kept me here close to Jude. I still couldn’t believe we had been in love with each other for years and we had been oblivious of each other’s feelings. All that time felt wasted, but we came together at the perfect time. I had to believe that. There was a reason it had happened now and I wasn’t about to let him go, I just wished I didn’t have to let go of Forest.
I parked my car by Theo’s old house, wiping my hands on my jeans, trying to decide how I wanted to go about this. Forest sounded like he had made his decision a few days ago, but was it because he wasn’t truly attached or because he was hurt about what he had heard at Thanksgiving? He had to know that this relationship started because of him, he was the glue who had kept us together, and I worried what would happen when he left.
Maybe I needed to tell him that. Keep it simple.
I opened my car door, bracing myself against the cool air as I wrapped my scarf around my neck, closing my door. Snow had started to lightly fall as I made my way to the barn, nerves made me walk slower, even if I was freezing my ass off.
The barn was warm as I entered, and a slew of animals came towards me. It had only been a few days since I had been here, but I missed my babies. The kids were almost full-grown adults and the kittens were getting so big. Sadie came for some love and I looked to see Triton not in his stall. I walked over to Flynn Ryder who immediately nuzzled against me.
The thought of looking for Forest on the ranch sounded stupid. I couldn’t just get on a horse and go looking for him without knowing where he was and asking Theo or Colt for his whereabouts seemed weird or maybe…nope, they would ask questions and the last thing I needed was gossip.
Fuck.
There was going to be gossip no matter what. Everyone knew something was going on between the three of us, especially Theo and Colt. Dammit. Jude hated people knowing his business and who knows what Forest was going to say when he left. Anger flooded my system as I punched the side of the barn and a tear slid down my cheek.
“Fuck!” I yelled, as the pain cut through some of the emotional pain.
Everything felt like it was closing in on me.
Useless, stupid, worthless.
Words that I constantly ran from repeated in my head over and over again. Was I not enough? Were we not enough? My chest ached as I wondered if I would ever be enough for anyone and the bad thoughts multiplied until I felt like I was drowning in a sea of them.
My phone rang, pulling me out of my inner turmoil, just enough to make me move to see who was calling. Jude’s nameflashed on the screen as I took a deep breath. My hands shook as I tried to answer the phone. Someone did love me and now that I had him, I would do everything in my power to keep him. I just had to be a better man.
31
jude
Life doesn’t care if you're heartbroken. Time doesn’t stop and let you heal, then start back up again when you get better. No, you have to go through life like your heart wasn’t hurting and do it with a damn smile. Pretending everything was ok was the worst part; acting like everything was ok was killing me. It didn’t help that today's shift was fucking awful.
The shift was chaotic, I didn't even get to sleep well. We had three calls in the middle of the night. All were accidents on the highway due to the snow, folks not being careful. Just when I was about to leave, there was another accident, a trailer jack- knife. There were casualties even though we tried so hard to get to the injured as quickly as we could, and the snow was not helping to get people to the hospital immediately.
I got back to the fire station, and everyone was quiet as usual after an accident like that with casualties. It weighed heavily on everyone like we could have done better or maybe we could have gotten there sooner. There were a hundred more reasons we could come up with.
I was still in the living room to decompress a little bit before I left. A few people joined me, finding comfort in numbers, we alljust needed a minute to wrap our heads around what we had just witnessed.
