“And what? You thought I was going to spend the day here with you? I have a life too, Selene. And it’s in New York,” I snapped. She jolted, taken aback by my churlish attitude. I ran a trembling right hand through my hair anxiously. She spotted it, but then I wasn’t really trying to hide the symptom of one of my many conditions.
“I still don’t see why you’re so keyed up,” she insisted. I really didn’t want her poking around in my head; I was in no mood to talk or to waste more time there.
“There is no why,” I answered irritably. “This…this…thingbetween us has to be dealt with in some way.” I didn’t even know how to define what we had together.
For me, it was just this fuckingthingthat was causing all manner of problems, now even with her mother.
Selene’s shoulders slumped with obvious disappointment.
We’d had a significant talk the night before.
Not only had I bared my soul to her, but I had also led her to believe that I was going to let her be with me. That I was going to give her dueimportance and elevate her above all my other lovers. I knew how callous I was being with her, but for me it was difficult to be any other way. My body’s instinct was to touch her—I needed to have some sort of contact with her again before I left for good. So I raised her chin with my index finger and saw myself reflected in her eyes, which were like two cornflowers so early in the morning.
That is to say, they were beautiful.
That detail, like all the others, would linger forever in my memories.
“Go to school, go out with your friends, have fun, and live your life, Babygirl…” I said softly, urging her to have interests outside of me. I did not want to be the center of her world.
As soon as that thought crystallized in my head, however, my selfishness overrode my good intentions. Abruptly, I reached out with my free hand and grabbed hers where it had been dangling alongside her hip. Then, like a secret just between the two of us, I pressed the now balled-up piece of paper I’d still been clutching into her hand.
I shouldn’t have done it, but…
Selene frowned, and I gave her a faintly seductive smile before drawing near enough to plant a brief kiss on her lips.
“Read that note as soon as you can,” I added in a velvety tone.
And then I walked out the door, leaving her behind me, enthralled and…confused.
7
“The past was a terminal disease,
a cancer in its final stages.”
Neil
I wondered what Babygirl’s face looked like when she read that note.
She hadn’t called or texted me, so I suspected she was still deciding what to do.
I knew in the moment that it was crazy of me to use such an unconventional mode of communication with her. A normal man would have just said everything directly to her, but I couldn’t deal with words. I used them sparingly most of the time and even more so when I lost my patience or felt like my back was against the wall.
I’d returned to New York a few hours before, but I didn’t want to hang around the house because Matt hadn’t left for work yet for God knows what reason, and I had no desire to share space with him. Instead, I accepted Dr. Lively’s invitation to attend a special patient meeting at the clinic as a guest. I hadn’t gone to Lively’s clinic for three years, and I still hadn’t officially resumed treatment, but that didn’t seem to matter to him.
“Where is he, then?” I snapped impatiently at Ms. Kate, who was stationed at the entrance. As usual, the secretary just rolled her eyes at me, as if my very presence was annoying, and unwrapped a caramel. She eyed me distrustfully as she ate it.
“He’ll be here shortly. Calm down and wait in the waiting room.” She gestured at the large space behind me littered with leather sofas and low tables.
I snorted, thinking that it was all business as usual here: the annoying classical Muzak, the big screen showing boring advertisements, and a few colorful prints on the white walls. The perfectly ordered and sterile environment had, counterintuitively, only increased my anxiety.
I turned away from the woman without giving her any further thought and headed for a sofa.
What the hell had possessed me to accept Lively’s invitation?
Already, I regretted it bitterly. I could have been having a good time with the Krew or even just called up Jennifer and had her blow me at the pool house. Maybe I could get Alexia on all fours after that? But the thought of actually reaching out to them or anyone else I’d fucked only gave me the barest ghost of a thrill and only for a second, leaving me not particularly excited.
Which was very bizarre.
