I would have to vanish from Babygirl’s life, no matter how intensely I might continue to yearn for her.
In the meantime, I would have to wait and hope that the turmoil inside me died down, just like I waited every goddamned day for the blaze in my chest to be extinguished.
I waited, I waited…and nothing ever fucking happened.
I kept on burning for Tinkerbell and fighting fruitlessly against myself to keep away from her, trying to convince myself that she didn’t matter at all to me when she did matter, a little bit.
Just a little bit,I told myself again and again, ad nauseam.
“Goodbye, Ms. Martin,” I said, putting an abrupt end to our conversation as I stalked out of the kitchen. I couldn’t stay there a moment longer. My wounded pride had begun to make itself known, driving my every action.
I knew now that Judith was just like Matt and that my presence in her house was not nearly so welcome as both Selene and I had been led to believe.
Shaking my head, I recalled what Babygirl had told me the night before:“You aren’t a freak. You’re special.”
All of it is bullshit.
There was too much wrong with me—wrong in my head—for me to ever be special. I’d never be fit for a girl like her.
And now her mother understood that too.
“Go fuck yourself,” I blurted out, and I myself didn’t know who it was directed at. I was furious and disillusioned.
Every time Selene made me hope for something better, made me willing to stretch even a finger up toward the sky, reality dragged me right back down into the pit.
Tinkerbell wanted to sneak her illusions into my head.
She wanted me to believe that a more colorful world existed, a world that was fair, even for people like me.
But I was living in my own personal hell, in my dehumanized reality, and all I had to do was look into the eyes of those people who watched me to know where I really belonged.
In the shadows.
I was seated in the front row, watching the total disintegration of my life, and who could fucking say when the show would be over?
While I reasoned my way through all my shit, I went back into the guest room and beelined for the desk. I’d already seen a small notebook with a pen attached there for jotting down notes, so I opened it up and tore out a page to write a message for Tinkerbell. But then I thought twice. I immediately remembered the argument that had ensued the last time when I’d left her nothing but a Post-it Note stuck on one of her books.
No…a note was definitely not the way to go.
I crushed the paper in one hand and left the room, heading back down the hallway.
“Neil…” I heard Selene’s voice calling out to me just as I’d nearly made it to the door. I ignored her. At the same time, I was cursing myself for smoking my last Winston because I really needed a cigarette at that point. “Neil, where are you going?” Babygirl pressed, and only then did I turn around to look at her.
She sucked in a breath when my eyes met hers. She looked worried, even afraid. I didn’t care at all and just scrutinized her outfit. She wasn’t wearing anything hot, just a pair of pj’s that was at least a size too big. Pink with insipid little rabbits on them.
What happened to the tigers?
“I need to catch my plane back to New York,” I answered brusquely, lifting my gaze to her still-sleepy face. A moment later, I caught a whiff of her coconut scent on the air all around me.
“What are you talking about? Why are you in such a hurry? Did something happen?” Selene hurried after me while I continued on without acknowledging her. “Neil. Please, talk to me.” She grabbed my arm abruptly, and I stopped, turning to stare at her.
She was adorable, like always.
Her cheeks were pink, her lips were dry and still red from my nips, and her eyes were filled with hope.
“You seemed okay last night and…” She cleared her throat and did not go on. She was too embarrassed to talk about what we had done. If I’d been in the mood for it, I might have taunted her or whispered something filthy in her ear, but I was so out of my mind angry that I couldn’t even stand to be near her.
She was the one who made me unrecognizable to myself.
