I had seen the faraway look on Selene’s face when Janel talked about dresses and flowers, and every time I wondered again why I couldn’t bring myself to give that to Selene.
Maybe that was the reason for her sudden bad mood?
“Yeah, I’ll go talk to her.” I looked over to where she had been and saw that she’d passed Nicole to Judith while she went back into the house, probably to grab another dish from the kitchen. It was the perfect opportunity to talk to her alone.
When I went through the glass doors, I found her standing with her back to me, focused on getting two cartons of orange juice out of the refrigerator.
“So now everyone has noticed you avoiding me. Wanna keep putting on a show for them or, would you like to tell me why?” My firm tone made her jump and whirl around. Luminous eyes scrutinized me furiously as wisps of coppery hair framed her face. She looked like one wrong move from me would make her erupt.
“You want to know why?” She set the juice down on the marble countertop and advanced upon me angrily. “It was your colleague Sharon on thephone. She asked for you and then she called meMrs. Keller.Now, I’d like to know why your coworker would call looking for you on a Sunday and why she would call me that when she knows very well that I am not your wife. I can’t help but think it was a little derisive, Neil.” Her voice grew louder as she spoke, and she looked at me with the kind of disappointment I never wanted to make her feel. “Oh, and she wanted me to tell you that shereally enjoyed herselfworking with you this week. What the hell does that mean?” Her voice turned suspicious. Her frustrating jealousy had only intensified, and it was all because of me, because of the shit I pulled when we were younger. I usually tried to be understanding when this kind of argument came up because I knew how hard it was being with me.
I moved closer to her until I could cup her face in my hands. Selene tried to jerk away from me, but I wouldn’t let her.
“It doesn’t mean anything. It means she wants to get under your skin. When are you going to stop falling for this stuff? When are you going to understand that I…” I paused, my chest tight with anguish. I still couldn’t just tell her how I felt; I never had, and it remained a huge stumbling block for me.
Those words seemed to get caught in my throat, never making their way out into the air between us.
We could gaze into each other, we could get lost in the intensity of the other’s eyes, forming an intimacy so profound it felt like making love, but still, I could not say the words. I could not verbally express my deepest feelings—the ones she most needed to hear about in these moments of insecurity.
“You know that I…that I’m crazy about you,” I managed at last. I gave her a kiss, trying to show her the truth of what I was telling her. I didn’t like feeling far away from her. I didn’t like arguing or having these stupid unresolved misunderstandings between us. I didn’t like seeing her run from me as she was preparing to do just then. She pulled back from my touch, not allowing me to deepen the kiss.
I let out a wounded animal groan at her rejection.
“You can’t fix everything like that, Neil. You can’t use sex as a weapon to steamroll me—I don’t trust that woman, and I’m not going to let youchange the sub—” I didn’t let her finish the sentence before I was the one taking a step back.
“Change the subject? So you want to fight this out right now?” I gave her a mocking smile, and my right hand began to shake. I ran my hands over my face and into my hair, let out a growl of irritation. After ten years of being together, I could not understand how she still didn’t trust me even a little bit. “Christ, Selene!” I exploded, and I saw in Babygirl’s face that she knew what was happening. She was well aware of what one of my episodes looked like. “I don’t look at anyone but you. I take my work seriously, and I give it my all. The only woman I have ever fucked in my office is you. Not a colleague; not a secretary—you!” I jabbed a finger at her, and every muscle I had shook with rage. She could see how close to the edge I was and drew closer to me, alarmed. She took my hand in both of hers and kissed the back of it, and, little by little, the storm inside my head began to subside. Her touch always had the power to bring me back to myself and put to bed the monsters when they threatened to resurface.
“I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to suggest that. It’s just that… I get so jealous over you being surrounded by these bitches who I know would have zero problems destroying a family if it meant one night with you. You know that it’s true,” she said with a careworn sigh.
I looked down at her coldly, and she blinked miserably at me and squeezed my hand more tightly in hers. I knew she didn’t really want to question my fidelity, but her jealousy was her worst enemy, and it often made her impulsive.
Selene was a mother who wanted to protect her family from all outside threats. I understood where her fears were coming from.
“You know, I have learned a few things from being an asshole for so long. I know how to spot these women you think are so dangerous and how to keep them away.” I grabbed her around the waist and pulled her into me until she settled into my arms, where she so often took refuge.
“She’s blond…” she said in a fearful murmur. She feared that my fixation on blond women might reemerge, as had happened a few years prior. She was afraid that I would once again start feeling the need to reenact my abuse, raping myself all over again.
It was Dr. Lively who told us we should be prepared for the possibility.
“That hasn’t happened in a long time,” I said softly. I always felt guilty when Selene had to confront the realities of who I was.
“But what if it does?” She was on the verge of tears, and I stroked her cheeks with my thumbs.
I did not want to see her miserable. Especially not because of me.
“Then, I hope you would still be able to accept me and that you wouldn’t leave me.” I pressed my forehead to hers, breathing in her scent. “I would never purposely let anyone divide us or destroy what we have together, but I can’t predict the future, Babygirl. I still have the same conditions, you know…” I stroked her hair as she nestled deeper into my chest. I let her feel the thumping of my heart, a heart whose every pulse and tremor belonged to her. “I’ve decided I’m going to step back from the theater project. It’s not really important to me, and I don’t give a shit about working with that woman. I have other things I can work on, and it’s more important for me to know that you have peace of mind,” I said firmly.
Avoiding more uncomfortable situations with Sharon would be good for me as well.
I was strong, but I did still have periods of emotional instability when I was reminded of Kim and what she did to me, and it did sometimes feel like the only way to avoid falling into the void was to go back to my old habits. There were times when I had to force myself to take a step back and control the sick urge to punish myself again because I knew that, if I ever did make such a mistake, I would lose my Pearls, the most precious parts of my life.
Selene lifted her chin and gave me a probing look. She seemed confused by what I’d said.
“And no objections from you; I’ve already made my decision.” Before she could reply, I kissed her soundly, pouring all the repressed passion of the day into her.
As usual, I was knocked off kilter by the sweet taste of her. Her kisses could gentle even the worst of me.
Because she had accepted all of it.
