“Yeah. I think testing the water just for the heck of it might be a good thing for me. But I don’t know.”
“What’s holding you back?”
“Guilt.” And knowing that I’m being a complete dumbass with two men I never should have reached out to in the first place.
“So, are you texting someone you want to test the waters with?” Noa asks.
“Can neither confirm nor deny”
“So yes?” Rayna laughs.
“Whatever.”
“Well, if he turns out to be more than perfect on paper or via text, I look forward to meeting him. What advice did Liz give you?”
“I haven’t really talked to her about it yet. I don’t know. When I go up there, it’s baby time. Not too much time to talk about much else. I don’t mind. I love those chilrens so freaking much. But two small kids and a whole farm and bakery—”
“Yeah it’s a lot,” Noa says. “But you should tell her. I’m sure she’ll want to know.” I lean back and look at her ’cause she’s using her delicate tone.
“Did she say something to you?”
“No, she was just saying that she misses us. The chat isn’t the same.”
“Oh.” She’s right. We all still talk, but ever since she had Palila, she’s been busier. Plus, Claudia spends more than half her life in a different time zone. It’s not the same when you can’t meet up three or four times a week for drinks and foolery. I haven’t told Liz because until this moment I wasn’t sure there was anything to tell.
But as I sit here, my phone burning a hole in my purse, I know that isn’t true. I have no idea what the hell I’m doing and why I think it’s anything close to a good idea. But I do know that it’s gonna be hard not to rush home from dinner with the girls so I can talk to Vaughn and Shaw on the phone.
“Try on the blue one,” I tell Rayna. Changing the subject feels like a good idea.
Sixteen
Brooklyn
I pace back and forth in front of my couch. All I have to do is send a text, let Shaw and Vaughn know that I’m free to talk, but I don’t know that I am. What if they want to tell me they don’t want to see me anymore, don’t want to speak to me anymore? Or worse, what if they do? I’d managed to keep my focus on Rayna and Noa for the rest of the evening, but as soon as Rayna was ready to go and Noa said she was also ready to turn in, I’d practically sprinted for the train.
I won’t let the thought fully form, but whatever is bouncing between my head and my chest has notes of ‘I can’t wait to talk to them again.’ I miss them. I need to know what’s on their minds and I’m terrified all at the same time. There’s no future here for us. I still have plans, still want to get married and maybe have a family.
I can’t have that with Vaughn and Shaw. In the long run, they need a full-time kinkstress and I don’t know if your girl is cut out for that kind of responsibility or cardio. But maybe I can have short-term fun with them. Fun and lots and lots of dirty sex where no one puts their long-term feelings on the line. No one gets long-term hurt. I’ve been hurt enough for a lifetime.
Just text them. Pull off the band-aid, I tell myself. I need to sort this shit out, whichever way it’s going. I’ve been in this weird stasis for so long. I need to move forward. I need to stop being afraid. Well, at least, I need to stop being afraid of one phone call. I take a deep breath and send Vaughn a text.
Hey, I’m home and free to talk.
A second later, the Facetime alert starts chiming. For some reason, I panic and hit Reject. I was not expecting video chat. I cannot do video chat.
“Yeah, but you just hung up on them, dummy,” I say out loud. I click back over to my recent calls and call Vaughn back via voice call.
“Hey,” he answers right away.
“Hi, sorry.”
“No Facetime?” he laughs. “I’m sure you look amazing.”
“No, that’s not it. I’m feeling a lot of feelings and if I’m going to be feeling more feelings, I’d rather you couldn’t see my face.”
“Fair enough. Let me put it on speaker.”
“Hey Brook,” Shaw says, his voice still annoyingly sexy. If they are gonna kick me to the curb, I hope they do it quickly so I can start the process of getting over the little things I’m starting to love about them. Like.Like.There’s no love in this equation quite yet. Like is just fine.
