“Hey Shaw. So, what’s going on?”
“Not much. Thinking a lot about last night.”
“Oh, word?” I laugh. “Is that what you guys wanted to talk to me about?”
“Kind of,” Shaw says.
“Well, by all means. Please proceed.”
“Shaw and I were talking and the first thing we wanted to do was check in with you and see how you’re feeling,” Vaughn says.
“I feel...okay. I’m trying not to think about how I’m feeling, to be honest.”
“Why’s that?” Shaw asks.
“Don’t wanna harsh my own vibe, I guess.”
“Oh. Well, maybe we should go. Vaughn’s about to harsh all over your vibe,” Shaw says. I think he’s joking a little, but a big-ass knot quickly ties itself in my stomach. My nerves bubble up as a strained giggle. I don’t like it.
“Shaw, shut up. We do not want to harsh anything,” Vaughn says. “We just wanted to have a realistic talk about where we see this going.”
“Oh,” I say. “To be honest, realistically, I don’t see it going anywhere.”
“Oh.” I hate the shocked disappointment in Shaw’s voice, but that doesn’t change the way I feel. Still, whatever rain I’ve sprayed all over their parade doesn’t stop Vaughn from pressing on.
“Let’s talk about that though. How do you see this playing out?” he asks.
“I mean, my vision of things involves some fun for sure, but mostly both of your dicks in my face or in my hands or in my ass. And that’s great. I like that idea a lot. But I don’t know how long that goes on for, you know?”
“Yeah,” Vaughn says.
“I want to get married. The jury is out about kids. Watching my sister go through it twice has changed my outlook on that, but still. I don’t know. I mean, I guess I wish I could deprogram whatever society has drilled into my head. But that’s just the vision I have for myself. I do want a husband. I do want a certain kind of stability and a unit. I want something I can call my own. What you two have is amazing, but I don’t see what I have in mind meshing with what you two have in mind and it wouldn’t be fair to any of us, to set ourselves up for that kind of disappointment. If it got that far, I mean. I guess I just need to be more open-eyed about how I do things for myself this time.”
“Are you interested in casual dating at all? Or are you only interested in dating with marriage in mind?” Vaughn asks.
That makes me pause. I think back to the conservation I had with Noa and Rayna just hours ago. I want to be practical. I want to be smart. But I also want to give myself permission to relieve some of the pressure.
“No. Actually, I’m not. I don’t have to date with marriage in mind. I probably shouldn’t right now, to be honest.”
“So, you want to settle down, but in the meantime you’d be cool with getting dicked down by two dudes from Massachusetts?” Shaw says.
I laugh even though dread is still sitting comfortably in my gut. “I guess I should have just said that. My bad. I’m still trying to work a lot of things out in my mind.”
“Don’t apologize. We’re talking it out. Expectations are important. Let’s start over,” Vaughn says. “Shaw and I want to keep seeing you as long as you want to keep seeing us, but we want you to be comfortable and we don’t want to get in your way.”
I sit on the couch and consider what I want to say next. I know this is bad and wrong, but I’ve tried the plan. I did everything right. I followed all the steps and look where that got me. Why can’t I have fun with Shaw and Vaughn in the meantime? Why do I have to force myself to be unfucked and lonely until Mr. Right decides to materialize out of thin air? Why am I even acting like I’m ready to go looking for Mr. Right, as if I’d even trust him if he was right in front of my face? I’m definitely not looking for Mr. Wrong. Hell, I can call Deek right now if I’m that bored.
“Brook?” Shaw says.
“Yeah, I’m still here. I’m just thinking. My mind is kinda all over the place. Let’s just play it by ear. How about that? We see each other when we can and if it’s not working, we let each other know. For me, right now though, it is working. I don’t like the idea of not seeing you two again. And Roger. I can’t forget Roger.”
“I think we can swing that,” Shaw says. “And, no, we can’t forget my man, Roger.”
“Wait,” I say. “What about you two? What do you want?”
“I don’t want to put the pressure on myself or anyone else. I miss just having a good time,” Vaughan says.
“Yes!” I say. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to shout. I totally agree. I love that we are being honest with each other, but between our serious, yet necessary talks and the way my friends are handling me so delicately, I feel like I’m not allowed to just have a good time. We can do that together. Let’s just hang out. No expectations. I just—when I am ready for expectations, I want to be clear with them.”
