She raked her fingers into her hair. “I just need everything to go back the way it was.”
He gaped.The way it was?Before she was his? Back to when he’d quietly suffered with unrequited love? Back to when he pretended she was just his friend, his sister-in-law? No. He couldn’t go back to that. He just couldn’t.
He turned and paced to the end of the drive. Stared unseeing into the neighbor’s yard, breaths heaving.God, no, please.I can’t go back there.It had been hard enough, harboring those secret feelings before. But now he knew what it was like, having her in his arms, in his life, in his heart. How could he ever go back to the way it had been before? She was asking too much. His eyes burned.
Some deeper, unselfish part of him whispered in his ear. What had happened wasn’t her fault. She’d suffered so much. If he loved her, shouldn’t he give her the space she needed to heal? He pressed his fingertips in his eyes.
She touched his arm. He hadn’t even heard her approach. “Josh? Please don’t be mad at me. I can’t stand the thought of losing you on top of everything else.” The last words quivered.
He dug deep, through his own pain and misery. He didn’t want to heap more hurt on her. It wasn’t her fault he’d fallen so deeply in love with her years ago. Wasn’t her fault he couldn’t even look at another woman without comparing her to Maggie. “You haven’t lost me, honey. You just... do what you have to do, okay? It’ll be fine.”He’d be fine. If Maggie could get through this, somehow he’d find a way to survive it too.
A squeal carried from the direction of the beach. Zoey dashed toward them on the walkway, his parents trailing her. “Stay off the street!”
“Mommy, come see my shells! We found a big scallop and Papaw found a whelk. But it’s a little broken on the tip. I’m gonna make a project and mail it to Mamaw and Papaw. Will you help me make it, Mommy?”
Maggie offered Josh a sad smile, gave his arm a brief squeeze before she headed toward her daughter. “Of course I will.”
Josh watched her go. And just like that he’d lost her.
Chapter 44
The next morning Maggie took Zoey to church, but only because she’d begged. Maggie was in no condition to greet people she hadn’t seen all summer. But her daughter had missed her church friends and it wouldn’t hurt to stay busy.
So Maggie sat in the pew and tried to focus on the sermon. But her mind kept wandering back to Seabrook. Back to Josh. Back to that gutted look on his face when she’d ended things yesterday.
At the memory her stomach clenched. Hurting him had been painful. A stew of emotions simmered inside: guilt, regret, heartbreak. She was exhausted from two nights of little sleep. Tomorrow she’d return to school and begin preparing for the students who would come the following week. The thought of it only made her more exhausted.
She closed her eyes and envisioned herself diving into a still pool, slipping through the water, all her worries sinking to the bottom, leaving her weightless, buoyant.
But there would be no time for swimming today. She had lesson plans to prepare—work she’d put off in favor of spending time with Josh.
She pushed away all thoughts of him and his tragic eyes. He would be fine. He would soon find another woman to keep him company.As her mother had reminded her many times, she was hardly irreplaceable.
When the service ended Maggie made a beeline for Zoey’s classroom. After she’d collected her daughter, a number of friends and acquaintances stopped them, wanting to catch up. Maggie pasted on a smile and made small talk. Then, using her busy afternoon as an excuse, she bustled out the door. Zoey talked the whole way home and Maggie was glad to see Pokey in the yard next door, waiting for Zoey.
Because she had a phone call to make.
Inside the house Maggie glanced at the time. Erin would be home from church by now and Patrick would likely have a new members class or something that detained him. It was a good time to call. She’d planned to do it yesterday but didn’t have it in her.
Erin answered on the second ring. “Hey, girl! How’s Fayetteville?”
“Exactly the same as when I left.”
“You have great timing. I just walked in the door. Mia went home with a friend and Owen is helping Patrick at church. He’s leading a GriefShare group.”
Maggie had attended those meetings locally following Ethan’s death. That seemed so long ago. “That’s great.”
“You sound a little down. Aren’t you excited about the new school year?”
Maggie peeked out the back door where Zoey threw a stick for Pokey, who retrieved it and carried it off. She chased after him. “Not really. I should’ve spent more time on lesson plans and less time on swimming classes.”
“Don’t act like you didn’t enjoy every minute.”
“I really did. But now I’ve got the school year right up on me and I’m unprepared.” And emotionally drained.
“That’s not like you. What’s going on?”
She wished she could tell her best friend about Will, about what Ethan had possibly done all those years ago. But she’d left all that to Josh. It would be hard explaining her reasons for breaking it off with Josh when she couldn’t divulge why she’d had a sudden change of heart.
