Hanna’s head tilted in my direction. “And the nosebleed?”
“Backlash,” the nurse said bluntly. “He was deep in the bond before he got interrupted. Would’ve blown a vessel in his brain if he’d kept going. Not everyone knows their limits.”
The silence was suffocating, everyone’s gaze landing on me.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered to Angel, to Sergeant Hanna, and to the team. Even if it meant I helped Angel more than I thought I had.
“As if apologies will help when someone actually dies from this bullshit,” Ezra snapped.
“Enough.” Hanna’s voice cracked like a whip. She exhaled through her nose. “Jude. You’re on leave until you prove you can control your magic. No fieldwork, no unsupervised magic. I’ll let Lilith know you’ll be arriving for training.”
Angel finally spoke, voice hollow. “Not Lilith.”
Hanna studied him. “Who do you recommend, then?”
“I don’t know. Just not Lilith.”
As I’d only met her once and found her creepy, I thought maybe that was for the best, but Angel obviously knew more than I did, though he didn’t share his thoughts with me. The invisible wall between us might as well have been made of concrete. He had every right to be furious with me. Hell, I was furious with myself. But he’d give me a chance to fix it, right?
My stomach twisted as I watched him stare resolutely at the far wall, his eyes carefully avoiding mine as if he feared giving away his thoughts.
Angel exhaled, the silence stretching between us like a fraying rope. After what felt like an eternity, he finally spoke, letting himself sink into the hospital bed as if too tired to argue any further. “I’ll talk to Xavier.”
The words struck like a physical blow. Not because Xavier might know another mentor besides Lilith to help me control this cursed magic, but because Xavier could sever our bond.
Of course, I fucking deserved this.
The universe had dangled the one thing I’d never let myself want—someone who’d see all the broken parts and not flinch—only to rip it away the moment I reached for it. Just my luck. Not even the universe thought I was worth keeping.
The migraine sank its claws deeper with every pulse of the fluorescent lights. I had maybe twenty minutes before it reduced me to a whimpering mess. Angel would be fine. He was surrounded by competent people who hadn’t just branded him with magic he never asked for.
The walk to the door felt like crossing a minefield of accusations. When the first tear fell, I didn’t bother wiping it away. Let them all see what a spectacular fuck-up I was.
Remi caught me at the threshold, hand on my elbow, gentle but questioning. I handed a twenty to him. “Can you get him a turkey Philly?” I pleaded. “Extra pickles, extra meat, and mayo. Real food…” My throat closed around the rest. He deserved better than hospital food. Better than me.
Remi hesitated, and I thought he was going to give me crap too, but finally he took the cash and nodded. “Do you need a ride home?”
I shook my head and instantly regretted it as a sharp pain streaked across my brow. “I’ll summon a rideshare.”
“You should eat, too.”
“I will,” I promised, not really caring if he believed me or not. “Just get Angel something. He needs to eat and shift.”
No one stopped me as I left. The hospital doors slid shut behind me, and the night air hit like a slap. I barely felt it. A few clicks on the phone and I had a driver pulling up, though they hesitated at the blood on my clothes.
“You okay?”
I’d tossed away the saturated gauze but hadn’t thought to wash up. “Sorry. I’m not bleeding anymore. I can go wash up and call someone else.”
The guy shook his head and waved at me to get in. I slid in and breathed a long sigh at the chance to sit without all the noise. The drive only lasted fifteen minutes as I ordered the ride to my apartment, texting Ivan on the way. My plan was to sleep first, clean up, then go get my brother, my cat, and Grandpa, before figuring out how the hell I was going to keep them all safe if I couldn’t stop myself from doing dangerous magic.
I stared out the window at the blur of city lights, surprised the day had vanished and we were already nearing midnight. I wasn’t even certain what day it was until I checked my phone again and saw it was officially Friday. The time explained the lack of reply from Ivan. I hoped he was asleep, safe, and happy. All things I needed to give up looking for myself.
The driver let me out in front of my building, and I gave him the last cash I had in my wallet as a tip, hoping I hadn’t gotten blood on his seats. The trip up to my place blurred in a wave of snapshots: me in the elevator, me in the hall, and then pausing at my apartment, surprised at the new door and repaired carpet. I stood there for a minute, realizing all my stuff, including my keys, were in the locker at work. Fuck.
The door across the hall opened and Nikki wrapped her arms around me. That was all it took to dissolve into tears. Exhaustion melted me into a puddle of unfettered emotions and heartbreak in my best friend’s arms. Of course, my tears meant the blood got on her PJs. “I’m sorry.”
She grumbled something at me but opened my door with her spare key and tugged us both inside. I instantly missed having Peanut Butter there to greet me, though the feeling of being home, in a familiar environment, and seeing my stuff settled a lot of the rising anxiety. If only I could get a break from the universe fucking me with a cactus, that would be ideal. Until then, I’d set a reminder in my phone to schedule a mental health appointment to up my meds and maybe restart therapy. Somuch for healing childhood trauma with time. That shit always roared back to kick me in the nuts the second I thought I had it handled.
