My throat burns, like it’s begging me to stop. I never thought telling the truth would hurt this much.
“I knew exactly what she was doing from the beginning, and I knew the role I stepped into. At first, I told myself it wouldn’t become anything real. Just something harmless. A little flirting…
But the more time went by... the more I liked it. The attention. Being the center of her world. The way she never hid how much she wanted me.
I run a hand through my hair.
“With every passing day, I knew it was only a matter of time before I crossed that final line. And deep down, I was aware of it all... and still did nothing to keep her at a distance.”
“I may not have planned it. But I prepared for it.”
I meet her eyes. “By the time it happened, I had already bought condoms. And what married man, who had been married as long as I had, buys condoms without the intention to cheat?”
I falter, the memory bitter on my tongue.
“Looking back... it felt inevitable. Like I’d already decided long before my body ever caught up with it. After the first time, I did what I always do with closed deals.” It all feels like it happened yesterday, not a year ago. “I put it away. Filed it under done… Convinced myself all I had to do was compensate you and the kids somehow, and everything would be fine.”
Another lie.
“When I saw her again... a part of me wanted to cut it off before it even started. But a bigger part convinced itself there was no harm in continuing… I’d already crossed that line.”
I force the next words out. “I didn’t love her. I never felt anything for her. I never truly cared... But even though I never admitted it to myself back then, or even afterward... I liked it. Every bit of it. I thrived in it. I loved the way she made me feel about myself.”
A flood of images hits me now, ugly enough to turn my stomach... But I also remember the rush, how powerful I felt. The thrill of the secrecy.
How she reacted to me, and the jolt it gave me.
All of it.
“Doing something I shouldn’t... believing I was completely in control... convinced I’d never get caught... It made me feel invincible.”
Ceci never looks away.
“I was careful. I took every precaution I thought I needed to. All I had to do was make sure none of it ever reached us… Our family.
You were the only woman I ever loved. That was always clear in my mind. And that was supposed to be what mattered.”
I press my lips together before continuing.
“I kept her separate from everything that was ours. I was a different man with her, and I never allowed her into our world—not even for a passing thought. I never touched you with her in my mind.
There was only you. When I was home with you, with our children... she was nothing. Not even a shadow.”
Except for once.
The thought pushes up before I can stop it. One night, while Ceci slept beside me... Disgust knots in my stomach.
But that, and what almost happened with Maya in our kitchen, is a burden that stays with me. I won’t hurt her again. Not for the rest of my life.
Ceci’s chest rises and falls.
“But the moment you walked out the door,” she says, “we stopped being at the center of your mind.”
I nod.
“Well,” she adds, “I suppose I should congratulate you on your ability to compartmentalize.”
There is no bitterness or irony in her voice. Just the truth
