Theo
As I get ready for the game, I wonder how many other women I passed out on.Maybe my body count isn’t as high as I originally thought it might be.Maybe I’ve passed out more than I know, and the sex never actually happened.The crazy part is, I honestly don’t know because I either never stuck around to find out, or they didn’t.
The game goes well.It’s a battle on both sides, and neither team is slacking.I’m shocked and a little hurt that, although there are some cheers when I have the puck, there are also audible boos.Guess I’m not a fan favorite anymore.We don’t win this one, but it goes to a shootout, so we get a point and can hold our heads up high.We don’t leave for Los Angeles until tomorrow morning, so I can easily meet my former teammates.
I send a text to Mila asking if she still wants to get together, because I will ditch these guys early and meet her.She feels like a piece of my past that doesn’t make me feel gross, which is weird because I met her in rehab.But she’s also a reminder that we both can be better than we were.That the guy who once lived in Vegas isn’t the guy who lives in Portland.She doesn’t respond though so I’m stuck going out with my old teammates.
And it’s a mistake.I love seeing Palmer and Garrett Choochinsky, but the other guys who show up… I don’t like.It’s a new realization, mostly.I mean, except Tyson Micheals, who insists on tagging along because he played in Vegas for two years.I never liked him sober or drunk, and I still don’t.I ignore him on the Riptide as much as I can, and since he’s a backup for Grady, I rarely have to interact with him.But the other guys I used to hang out with a lot when I played in Vegas.Matheson and I used to day drink on weekends, either at his house or mine.Mattias and I used to go to casinos a lot on off days, pick up women, and lose way more money than is sane.And Matty Barber and I used to bar-hop on road trips and cover for each other when we were barfing in arenas after morning skates.And I quickly learn, as we meet up at Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville, and most of them, except Palmer and Garrett, are already two margs in, that they haven’t changed.But I have.And when they walk down memory lane, bringing up all the wild adventures and outrageous things I used to say and do, I grow increasingly uncomfortable, and internally, I’m horrified.
So I use the excuse that my shoulder is killing me and I need to take off.Palmer walks me to the door.“It’s really good to see you, T.”
He hugs me, and I hug him back.When he pulls away, he says, “You look different.”
“I do?”I haven’t changed my hair or even let my beard get longer or shorter.
“Yeah.It’s because you’re healthy.Like truly.You look great.I hope you really do feel great too.”I tell him I do because… well, I did.Until I came back to this town.
It’s still early, so as I slowly walk the strip, I try Mila again.Still no answer.But this time, when her perky voicemail comes on and says, “Hi, it’s Mila.I’m happy to hear from you, but not happy enough to answer.Just kidding.Leave me a quick message, and I’ll get back to you.Hope your day is awesome.Bye!”I respond, “Hey, Mila.It’s Theo.I guess you aren’t available to meet up, but if I end up back in town, I’ll call.It was great running into you and seeing how well you’re doing.How well we’re both doing.Talk soon, I hope.”
I’m bummed and hope she isn’t blowing me off because I could use a friend who truly gets this.And she does.She’s been through it twice.I bet she can even give me a pep talk about the Lola situation because yesterday I was certain we should talk when I get back and I should tell her I want this to be more than a casual hook-up, but now… I don’t know.I mean, does someone who fucked up as much as me deserve a real shot with someone like Lola?And I haven’t even been sober a year.The chance of slipping is high.I don’t feel like I will, I’m dead set against it, but what if I do?
I’ll rightfully lose this second chance at hockey, but… will I lose that first chance with Lola?She should walk away like the Riptide would, but she probably wouldn’t.She’s loyal to a fault.I finally know what that sentence means because the way she clung to her school program choice is an example.She thinks it was the smart choice.The honorable one.What if she thinks the same about staying with her drunk boyfriend, who passes out during sex and doesn’t even remember?Who doesn’t love her and support her the way he should because he’s too busy falling off the next roof?
I spent the night tossing and turning with an achy shoulder and an achy heart.
And when my phone rings at nine, as I’m packing up my stuff to head down and jump on the team shuttle to the airport, I’m excited to see Mila’s name flash on the screen.
“Hey!”I say happily after I accept the call and punch speaker.
“Theo?”It’s a man’s voice, not Mila.
“Umm, yes.”
“Theo who?How did you know Mila?”the voice asks.
“Who is this?”I counter as every muscle in my body tenses.I know something is wrong, I just don’t know what.
“I’m Mila’s father.Stanley Petrov.You were the last person to call her.Twice last night.Why?”
“Can I speak with Mila?”I ask, not knowing her situation with her father.She said in our group therapy sessions in rehab that he loved her and he always forgave her.That she was lucky to have him, but I don’t know for certain that’s still the case.“Is she okay?”
“No.Mila overdosed last night, and she… this time… there’ll be no rehab.”His voice is dull, echoey, choked on pain.
My own heart breaks for him, and a wave of selfish despair floods me.Because Mila was trying, and she didn’t make it.“I’m so sorry, sir.I… I’m so sorry.”
I tell him what I know.That she was going to meetings.She was actively participating.She seemed to be doing well, and we agreed to keep in touch.He thanks me for my time, and I just keep saying, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Then I sit on my hotel room bed and stare at my hands in a daze.I can’t believe she’s gone.I rethink everything I said to her.Everything she did that day at the meeting.Were there signs I missed?Could I have said something or done something different?I wish I could have helped.Stopped it from happening.Saved her.What kind of asshole doesn’t see the signs?There had to be signs?
Oh my God, is this how my parents felt when they got the call about my accident?Grady did try to help.The season before, he talked to me about my drinking.He told my parents.They tried to help me, and I acted like it was working.I pretended they had fixed me, but they hadn’t.I was finding ways to drink behind their backs.I was so proud of how I was fooling everyone.Clearly, it wasn’t an actual problem because nobody could tell.
There’s a knock at my door.I get up and open it to Conner.“Hey, T.Everyone is on the bus but you.”
“Fuck.Sorry.”I hastily shove the last of my stuff in my suitcase and zip it up.
As I haul it off the bed and reach for my suit jacket, I notice Conner’s eyes zipping around the room, surveying, making sure everything looks… fine.“I got some bad news, and I was… just lost in thought.”
“Bad news?”he asks as I step into the hall and we start for the elevator.
