“A person I met in rehab…” I stop because my throat feels tight.“She ummm… she died.”
We’re in front of the elevator bank now, and Conner turns to face me.The color drains from his face.“Oh my God, Theo.I’m sorry.”
“I just ran into her.She was in Vegas at an AA meeting and I… I just… didn’t think she was still using,” I sputter.I take as deep a breath as I can.
“I’m sorry.I don’t know what else to say,” Conner says and scrubs his jaw.“What can I do?”
“Nothing.There’s nothing anyone can do.I’m fine.I just… wish she hadn’t died,” I say simply.
We step into the elevator, and now he looks uncomfortable.“When you didn’t show up for the bus, I worried I’d go up there and find you… hungover.”
“No.Really?”I consider how that makes me feel.I haven’t wavered.I’ve been a good player for the team and an unproblematic relative for him.I even offered to babysit a few weeks ago when he said he was hoping to surprise Mac with concert tickets.Of course, Aunt Callie and Uncle Devon decided to take Violet for a sleepover.A small part of me wants to be offended, but a bigger part of me understands because I masked just as well, if not better than Mila.
“I’m sorry.I just get concerned, and relapse is highest in the first year,” Conner mumbles guiltily.“Mac knows all about this, remember?”
His wife was a runaway who skipped out on the foster care system she kept getting put into because her addict mom couldn’t stay clean.She ended up adopted by Alex Larue, our coach.And now she’s a psychiatrist who specializes in addiction.
“Don’t be sorry.Keep doing it,” I tell him as the elevator brings us to the lobby and we make our way across it in quick strides.“I want you to second-guess me.If I had second-guessed Mila, maybe I could have intervened.”
“What happened to your friend is not your fault,” Conner says as we reach the bus.
“No.It’s not, but… I’m okay with you and the family keeping an eye on me,” I tell him.“I deserve the scrutiny.I welcome it.”
I am not letting myself off the hook, and I don’t want anyone else to either.Including Lola.Iama bad bet.I’m not someone she should invest a real commitment in.Not now.Maybe never.So I’m gonna let this whole thing with her fade away.It’s what’s best.Even if it hurts.It would hurt more if I fucked up my life again and she was there to see it.Or worse, I fuck up hers too.
Chapter25
Lola
January…
Ireally do not want to be at this arena tonight.But I’ve run out of excuses to give Landon and Grady about why Randie and I shouldn’t come to their games.I used “she has the sniffles,” “she’s teething and in a horrible mood,” “it’s cold and flu season,” and “I have a sore throat.”I’ve used it all.So here I am, walking down the corridor to the friends and family room, hoping I do not run into Theo Richard.
They got back from their road trip in December, and I fully expected to see him.He acted like we were definitely going to hook up again the last time I saw him in San Francisco, and maybe that he even wanted to talk about our arrangement and change it.Theo made it seem like he wanted to move this out of the situationship zone and into the relationship zone.Instead, he ghosted me.
I turn with the corridor, and Randie kicks her legs happily from her position strapped to my chest.Everyone who sees her smiles.I’ve got her decked out in her custom Riptide jersey and a cute pair of toddler jeans with shiny red shoes and red bows in her hair, which is still downy, but there’s enough of it to do two Cindy Lou Who style pigtails on top of her head.I put more effort into my appearance, too, in case I can’t avoid Theo.My hair skims my shoulders now, and I styled it in loose waves and put on lipstick and mascara and all that crap.For clothes, I have on jeans and a clingy cashmere sweater.But it doesn’t matter because I’ll be wearing a baby all night anyway.
I pause outside the friends and family lounge to text Landon and Grady that I’m here because they sometimes like to come out and say hi to her.As I enter the room, someone turns and greets me with a huge smile.“Hey!Lola!Long time no see!”
It’s Melissa who is married to one of the defensemen.She’s standing at the bar with Declan Hawkins and a girl I don’t recognize in a Riptide jersey.I walk over, and Melissa instantly dips down to make cooing noises and goofy faces at Randie.“Hey, all.Go ‘Tide!”
Declan shoots me a sympathetic smile.“I get it.I don’t like coming either.”
Declan is the partner of the team captain, Abbott Barlow.I have to say, I think it’s a gift from the universe that Landon and Grady got traded to a team with a queer captain—the first guy to come out in the league.I think it made it easier for Landon to accept himself and for Grady to feel safe.Declan waves at Randie, who lifts her hand and gives a very excited wave back.“My God, she’s gonna make me want a kid.”
“I thought you already wanted kids?”
“Yeah, but I’m trying to be patient.I want Abbott at home to help raise them, and I think he needs another Cup before he retires.”Declan leans in and whispers, “Not sure this is the season that will happen.”
The Riptide have had a rough patch since the road trip, and now, a few days from February, they’re clinging by a thread to the wildcard position.I give Declan a confident smile.“Good luck charm is here.”I point at Randie.“They’re winning tonight.”
Declan smiles.“I hope so.Abbott has been too grumpy for too long.”
“Lola, come and meet Candice?She’s a friend of mine from college.”Melissa points to the girl in the Riptide jersey standing beside her.
Candice smiles at me, and I smile back.Melissa says, “She’s a huge hockey fan.Used to go with me to all of Tanner’s games in college.”
“But didn’t land myself a player,” Candice says sadly.
