I want to say please stop. Please stop loving me. This is too hard. It’s just going to hurt more. But words are unreachable as my orgasm starts. I break the stare and drop my head back against the wall behind me. My eyes close as that euphoria explodes, rippling through me, making my knees weak. Devin grabs the back of my other thigh and wraps it around his back. The only thing holding me up now is the wall and Devin. I quiver and shake as he grunts and gasps and explodes into me, slamming me back against the wall one more time.
We stay there, me wrapped around him up against the wall and him leaning into me, for minute after minute. We’re both breathing hard but not saying a word. Finally his hands move from under my thighs and I put my feet down on the floor again.
He pulls back and brushes his lips against mine. “Come to the master bedroom with me,” he whispers. “It’s okay. I promise.”
“It’s not,” I argue back. “Not on Christmas. He’ll be up at the crack of dawn. Let him adjust bit by bit.”
“I don’t sleep well without you,” he mumbles back, resting his head on my shoulder.
“You’ll be okay, Devin. I promise,” I say solemnly and mean that in ways he does not understand.
He pulls back and kisses my lips softly before turning and pulling the condom off. He tosses it into the plastic trashcan by the desk in the corner of the room and pulls on his jeans and underwear. Gathering the rest of his discarded clothes, he kisses me again.
“We still need to talk about all this,” Devin says firmly. “I’m not keeping my family apart, Callie. At least I didn’t think I was. I thought I was starting a new one—the right one—with someone who wanted it too.”
I swallow and stare at my clothes scattered around my feet.
He lets out a frustrated huff of breath. “I know you hate ultimatums, Callie, but at some point you have to give me another sign that you’re still in this too.”
With that, he opens the door and slips into the hallway, closing it behind him.
I sink to the floor and cover my face with my hands, fighting the devastatingly powerful urge to cry. I don’t cry. I won’t cry. I can’t.
A little while later, when I’m sure I can control my emotions and I’m sure Devin is fast asleep, I put my clothes back on and grab my suitcase. I make a careful, silent descent down the stairs and out the front door.
Chapter 51
Callie
I’m exhausted. I’d walked the ten minutes it took to get from Devin’s house to Jordan’s last night, by myself in the pitch-black tranquil Silver Bay night. It was freezing and I couldn’t feel my fingers by the time I opened the door to the apartment Jordan built last summer in the renovated barn. I sat on the couch staring at nothing for I don’t know how long and then I’d moved to my bedroom and stared at the ceiling until the sun came up. My eyes had continually watered but I refused to give in to tears. I did this to myself. I would not become one of those sad, lovesick, pathetic messes both Jessie and Rose had turned into thanks to Luc and Jordan. I didn’t deserve the chance to cry. I did this to myself. I never should have let myself care. I knew this was going to happen. Maybe not Ashleigh, but something or someone would make him leave me. It always happened to me. My parents, my grandmother—everyone left. He was bound to do the same.
This morning, as soon as I know they’re awake, I walk into Jessie and Jordan’s kitchen. They’re sitting across from each other at the kitchen table and both look stunned to see me.
“Devin and I are ending things,” I announce, my voice oddly calm. “I’m grabbing a flight back to New York this afternoon.”
I turn and leave, marching across the snowy ground back to the barn. Jessie chases after me in her slippers and robe. “Callie, talk to me. Now!”
I open my mouth to speak but I can’t. So I shake my head and run up the stairs to the apartment and stumble into my bedroom and slam the door. My chest hurts so much I think I might die. I wish I would die. Tears fill my eyes but I refuse to let them fall. Why the fuck did I ever break all my rules for Devin? Why? What the fuck was I thinking? I’m an idiot. I deserve this.
Jessie barges right into the room and sits down next to me on the bed.
“Ashleigh wants him back. She’s his wife. I’m not. I’m giving him back,” I blurt out and my stupid voice cracks. She just grabs me and pulls me into a hug without saying a word.
I wiggle out of the hug when I realize it’s just going to make me cry. She gives me such a sad, disappointed look. “I can’t believe he wants to give her another chance after what she did.”
I sniff. “He should. It’s the right thing to do. I’m just…”
I was going to say, “I’m just a fling,” but before I can finish the sentence Jessie does. “You’re the best thing that ever happened to him. I know he knows that.”
“I’ll take the train to Boston. I could only get a flight from Boston to New York—there aren’t any leaving from here today—so if you could drive me to the train station, I’d appreciate it,” I say and she nods. “Thanks.”
She looks almost as sad as I feel as she stands and walks to the door. “I’ll be back in fifteen minutes; just let me throw on some clothes.”
Ten minutes later, as I’m wheeling my suitcase into the living room, the front door of the apartment swings open and Devin is standing there. His hair is askew and he’s wearing his pajama bottoms under his black parka. I can see his bare chest under the parka because it’s not done up. He must have literally gotten out of bed, found me missing and stormed over here.
“Where’s Conner?” I ask.
“When I found you gone this morning and you wouldn’t answer your cell, I called my mom and she came over to watch him and I borrowed her car to come find you,” he says in a low voice, thick with anger.
