Jake always says Terra looks like Tinkerbell with her tiny build, light hair, freckled narrow nose, and piercing but sparkling dark eyes. But let me tell you, Tinkerbell can put the fear of God in you with one of her angry faces. She’s doing it right now. “Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.”
It’s the eighth step in the twelves steps we follow in Alcoholics Anonymous. She’s on her last semester of an addiction therapy degree. She presses her lips together tightly again and inhales deeply through her nose. For a second I think she might be about to meditate, something she’s been doing since she was sixteen, but instead she throws step nine at me. “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”
She leans forward and tries to put her hand on my forearm, but Jake’s jacket is so big it’s covering her hands completely. “That family flat out asked for money as an amends, and we gladly gave it to them. I know that doesn’t feel like enough to you, but it was for them. All that money did was save you from the court of public opinion, not a real court. Not real charges.” Terra sighs. “I am so damn sick of trying to make you see that you don’t need to walk around drowning in guilt for the rest of your life or punishing yourself. You are a different person. A better one. You’re allowed happiness. Joy, even God damnit!”
“Declan doesn’t think so,” I remind her even though I know I don’t have to. He made a point of reminding everyone a couple minutes ago.
“Declan is a vortex of misery,” Terra barks back, her dark eyes sparking with frustration. “I’m reaching a breaking point with him. We didn’t fight so hard to get you sober and keep you safe to have you live a joyless life!”
“The date went great,” I blurt out. She’s got her mouth open, about to continue lecturing me, but now she’s speechless. She twists her head to face me, mouth still open in an O. I smile sheepishly. “Better than great. Best I’ve ever had, but that’s not really a high bar. But—”
Her hand shoots up between us, jacket finally slipping down to reveal her palm facing me, silencing me. “Do not do that,” she commands. “Do not down play this or blow it off. Just give me the details. Is this the brunette Nova saw?”
“Yes. She’s my landlord. And you’ve met her. Chloe Hale. She came in for a server job, but you didn’t hire her.”
“Oh my God! Really? Chloe?” Terra's delicate features twist for a second with something that passes too quickly for me to decipher and then she’s smiling. “You sneaky bastard. I had no clue you spoke more than two words to her.”
“She mentioned she had an apartment in her house she was looking to rent and I jumped on it,” I explain. “But I didn’t say anything because I was waiting to see if social services liked the place and Chloe seemed to want to keep her distance from me for some reason, which worked for me. But then…well she needed my help when she slipped on some ice, and she invited me over for brunch as a thank you,” I reply and I want to grin but I can’t bring myself to do it now. “It went great and I like her so I kissed her but now I realize I shouldn’t have.”
Her smile fades and her eyes grow serious. “Why?”
“Because of this shit. All of this secrecy over what I did.”
“You didn’t do anything except pass out in a car,” Terra argues and she looks so frustrated she might scream. Instead she slaps the dash. “Your alcoholism is a disease, just like my lupus is. And you’re fighting it now, so you deserve some credit for that Logan. You don’t deserve to be punished for the rest of your life by Declan or yourself. And as for your past… well, it needs to stay there.”
“I was so happy before this fucking meeting and now I’m just fucked up.” I have that dark voice whispering in the depths of my soul again. Telling me to numb the uncomfortable feelings with something. Something liquid with a high alcohol content. “I need to go to a meeting.”
“Yes you do, and talk to your sponsor too,” Terra advises. She stares at me for a long second, her chocolate eyes swirling with concern, and then she leans over and kisses my cheek.
“Gross, you kiss Jake with that mouth,” I say trying to lighten the mood as I rub my cheek.
She doesn’t smile though. “I know you hate secrets, so I have to tell you something. The day you met her, I hired Chloe to rebuild our website and make us an app for the restaurant. And I made her promise not to tell anyone, which is why she probably hasn’t told you.”
“You run this by Declan?”
“I will when it’s done. He isn’t the only one who can take the lead on something and loop the family in later,” Terra replied. “I know what I’m doing. I promise.”
The feeling of dread clenching my gut doesn’t dissipate. “Now she’s a restaurant employee. Kind of. And I’m already her tenant. The universe is proving this isn’t a good idea.”
“Don’t be a negative nelly, Logan,” Terra says and leans closer. “Look at this differently. Like maybe all the ways you and Chloe are suddenly intertwined is the universe throwing up hella signs that you’re meant to be together.”
“Hella signs? Okay there, Slim Shady of Spirituality, simmer down.” I chuckle and reach out and ruffle her hair. “Go stop world war three in there and don’t worry about me.”
She opens the passenger door and jumps out. “Oh and one more thing. I do a lot more than just kiss Jake with this mouth.”
“Shut up!” I yell but she’s already closed the door.
I watch her run back to the restaurant and don’t leave until she’s safely inside. Then I Google AA meetings and drive toward the one that starts in an hour and a half one town over.
* * *
I pullinto the driveway fairly late—seconds to midnight—so I’m shocked to see Chloe awake and standing in the yard. She’s wearing Ugg boots and a robe over what are clearly pajamas. Flannel ones. Her long hair is tied back in a low ponytail, and there’s a fuzzy gray knitted hat crammed on her head with a giant pom pom on the top. She’s adorable and sexy as fuck in an odd ball way.
“Hey,” I say as I get out of my car. I hate that I wish I hadn’t run into her. I almost didn’t go to my family meeting because this afternoon all I wanted to do was stay here and keep kissing her. But now, after an unwanted reality check thanks to Declan laying the guilt on me again and the AA meeting I just attended, I almost regret the kiss. Well, I mean I don’t, but I feel like I should. Because I don’t know what the hell I can offer her.
The meeting tonight grounded me but not in a good way. One of the guys who spoke has fallen off the wagon after seven and a half years sober. He says he started to lose control when his girlfriend left him. He met her online and really hit it off but he didn’t tell her he was a recovering alcoholic. She did a Google search on him after a month and a half of dating and found his DUI record and dumped him. He explained he was tired of being alone, and felt like he would never find someone who accepted him so he started drinking again. Ended up drunk at work, got suspended, and just came back from rehab. It made me think. I was in complete control over cravings right now, keeping myself focused on work and River and family. Would I be if I started dating Chloe and it went sideways? Was it fair to get involved with her if I had to keep this secret – the truth about why I got sober – from her? I wasn’t sure but I sure as hell didn’t want to hurt her, or myself.
This thing with Chloe was fast and kind of out of nowhere and riddled with complications. Maybe it was too much too soon? Maybe I wasn’t ready for uncomplicated and slow let alone this.
