‘He did when I told him a few months ago.’
‘You told himmonths ago?’ Ben asks. ‘But you’re not together. Because of me?’
‘Because of you,’ I confirm as gently as I can.
‘You don’t have to worry about me any more,’ Ben says. ‘Honestly. I’m fine now. I’m fine with myself. And I’m OK with you and Ollie being together now. If that’s what you both want.’
‘It is,’ I say. ‘It was last time I checked.’
‘Then why are you still here?’ Ben goes on, the sadness leaving his eyes, to be replaced by a look of encouragement. ‘You’ve already lost so much time together. Go and get your man.’
I don’t know what to do with this information. For so long I’ve not allowed myself to envisage a world in which Ollie and I could be together. Could this really happen? I hold Ben’s hands and clasp them tightly. ‘Thank you. Thank you.’
‘I’m really pleased we had the relationship we had,’ Ben says. ‘It was good. Until it wasn’t. But now I think we both know why.’
I nod, move forward and kiss him on his cheek. ‘I’m glad we had what we had too. I love you, Ben.’
‘I love you too,’ he says.
I reach out and hold Toby’s hand too. ‘My two friends are in love and happy. This has made me very happy. Do you think, in time, you’ll be able to tell Liv and Ollie?’
‘Call it cowardice, but I don’t think I can go through that level of shock with them.’ He gives me a pointed look. ‘Can you do it? Can you tell them?’
‘I can,’ I say slowly. ‘If you’d like me to?’
‘Yes, please. I can talk about it with them later on, but for now just telling you to your face has been hard enough. And I wasn’t ready. I don’t know when I’d have been ready, but you seeing us forced my hand,’ he explains.
‘I get it,’ I reply. ‘Do you think you’ll be able to tell your parents?’
‘No,’ Ben says immediately. ‘They can never,everknow.’
‘Ever?’ I question, eyes wide. Then a dark thought enters my mind. ‘Can I tellthemtoo? I would absolutely love to see the look on their faces.’
Toby bursts out laughing.
‘No, you bloody well can’t,’ Ben says.
‘Oh, go on,’ I plead. ‘Please let me.’
Ben’s trying not to laugh as he says in a warning tone, ‘Aurora!’
‘OK, OK,’ I say. ‘But you know, when the time does come to tell them, you should start off by saying you’remarryingme, that I’mpregnantand that we’re going to live in a commune together and raise our children off-grid. Because theydislike me so much, they’ll cry. At that point you get to pick them up off the floor with the real news that you’re gay and happy with your well-connected, rich fashion-photographer boyfriend, and they’ll be so grateful I’m not really back in your life that they’ll welcome Toby into the family with open arms.
‘Oh God,’ Toby guffaws. ‘That’s ridiculous.’
‘No, no,’ Ben says sagely. ‘I think it’s a brilliant plan. They really don’t like Aurora. When I tell them I’m gay, I’m doing itexactlythe way she just suggested.’
CHAPTER SIXTY-TWO
I see Ollie leaving the hospital and I watch him glance around, looking for me. I messaged him almost the very minute Ben and Toby left. I told him I needed to see himright now. That was it. That was everything I said. It’s the middle of the night, or the early hours of the morning. I’m losing track, because all I can think about is Ollie.
Ollie has been one of my best friends for a decade. He knew he liked me – loved me – a long time ago. And I was so late to the party, but I love him. I have for so long. A quiet love that grew over the years into something so loud I could hardly ignore it. It’s hard not to think of Ben’s words about wasted time.
‘Hi,’ Ollie says to me, shifting his backpack higher onto his shoulder. ‘You OK? It’s been a while.’
I nod, shy all of a sudden. ‘It has.’ It’s been a few months since we said goodbye. A few months since we admitted we were in love, but weren’t going to do anything about it.
I’ve had an hour and a half to wait for Ollie to finish his shift after he messaged back, confused, but willing to meet. And even through all that waiting, pacing up and down in my flat and then continuing to pace up and down outside the hospital doors, I have no idea how to do this, what to say. Iknow what I need the outcome to be. I just have no clue how to get us there.
