‘It still is,’ Ben says and then adopts an angry tone. ‘I don’t know how you’re not thoroughly pissed off about Sam and Liv getting together. Liv dating your ex. Who’s a celebrity, no less. It’s all so public,’ he continues with a shudder. ‘I’m pissed off on your behalf.’
‘I’m not bothered because I don’t love Sam. I never did. It was just fun. And I’m OK with it because I love Liv and wanther to be happy. And Sam’s a nice guy. He simply wasn’t the one for me.’
Someone else is the one for me. It will always be Ollie. It probably always was.
I get brave. Because if I can’t say it now, afterallthis, then I’ll never be able to do it. ‘Ben … I need to tell you something, and I don’t want you to be angry.’
‘Go on,’ he replies warily.
I take a deep breath. ‘I’m in love with Ollie.’
Toby gasps, but Ben remains still, so still.
‘Did you know?’
‘Yeah,’ Ben says slowly. ‘I suspected back then.’
‘You suspected wrongly back then,’ I reply gently. ‘We were just friends. When you and I were together, that’s all it was. I promise you.’
‘But now?’ Ben asks.
‘Now I can’t stop loving him. I don’t know how it happened. I don’t know where it came from, or when. But at some point, after you … I fell in love with Ollie, and I haven’t done anything about it. And I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t have hurt you. I don’t know what it would have done to you back then. You were in such a terrible place—’
‘I was,’ he cuts in. ‘But I’m not now. But back then, thinking about you and Ollie, believing you were breaking up with me so you could get with him—’
‘I wasn’t. I didn’t.’
‘I know,’ he says. ‘But thinking that nearly killed me. It nearly killed Liv.’
‘What do you mean?’
Ben pauses, looking angry with himself that he’s said this. I’m dreading his next few words.
‘The night I crashed the car,’ he starts slowly. ‘I didn’t know how it happened. I wasn’t drunk. I hadn’t even been drinking. One second I was talking to Liv. The next second I’d crashed into the car in front. I couldn’t work it out. But I was in such a bad place and then Liv wouldn’t talk to me any more. And when we met at your house-warming party, she took me aside and we cleared the air. She told me at the party what happened, why I crashed.’
‘Why did you crash?’ I ask with sadness in my heart.
Ben shakes his head. ‘She could see that Ollie loved you. She’d known it for ages. And she suspected you loved him too. She said she could see it in both your eyes. But she didn’t want to lose you as a friend. She was desperate not to lose you. And she understood that you couldn’t help how you felt. Back then she was so hurt by Ollie that the thought of you two being together would have broken her. She knew she’d lose you if that happened. She was waiting to find out it had happened – dreading it, knowing that the two of you were texting each other after you left. And I was in the car with her while she was telling me this, a second person confirming all my suspicions, my worst fears. And that’s when it happened. I didn’t see the lights change. I went into the back of the guy in front and I nearly killed Liv. I was distracted. I was angry, upset, imagining a world in which you and Ollie were getting together – imagining a world in which you weren’t mine – and I couldn’t take it. Liv was broken. I was broken. And then I nearly broke us both completely. I could have killed her. Shecouldn’t forgive me. But at the same time she told me she was so angry with all of us, she needed to get away.’
Ben’s eyes fill with tears and he wipes them away with his sleeve. ‘Sorry,’ he says.
‘You don’t need to apologise,’ Toby consoles him, looking at me for encouragement.
I give Ben’s arm a gentle squeeze. Toby doesn’t look surprised by this story and I’m pleased for Ben that he’s found someone he can be himself with, tell his story to.
‘I felt like I was really grieving you – in that moment, those final seconds before I crashed. I was grieving you when, after you broke up with me the night before, I hadn’t. Because I held out hope that you and I would get back together at some point. It’s what got me through the day. That it wasn’t the end for us. Then Liv made me realise I was wrong. That we’d already had our ending. And I just didn’t realise it. And then I woke up in hospital and the world was a blur. And Liv hated me. I’d nearly killed her. And I didn’t know what had happened or why. But I had to get Liv’s forgiveness. We hadn’t seen each other for so long. She told me what we’d been talking about when I crashed. I didn’t know. Or rather I didn’t remember.’
I don’t know what to say, so I hold Ben’s hands. ‘I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you.’
‘I was lost and confused. About myself. About you. About so many things. But I’m not confused any more. It took a long time. I’m sorry you got caught in the middle of whatever was going on with me. I loved you, you know. You’re one of my best friends.’
‘Likewise,’ I say, with tears in my eyes.
‘I do think you and Ollie being together back then would have sent me over the edge. And probably not that long ago, either. But it’s OK now. It is, I promise you. Do you want to be with Ollie?’
‘Yes,’ I reply and I’m sure I sound desperate now. ‘I love him. I promise you I didn’t back then. But I do now. I love him.’
Toby jumps in with, ‘Does he love you?’
