The loud boisterous laugh has been replaced with a quiet chuckle. Bold dance moves performed anywhere and everywhere are no more. I don’t even remember the last time that he’s been over for family dinner with his parents.
He’s drifting away from me, and it’s more evident now than ever before. Josh graduates in two months. In May he’s going to walk across the stage and leave Raiden behind. I’ll still be here, though, if only he would let me in again.
But that doesn't matter right now as they are in their own bubble, with me waiting on the outskirts.
Mom comes up to me, wrapping her hands around my middle and tugging me close. We bump hips, and she tilts a little too far to the right and I have to grab onto her arm to keep her up right.
“Good grief, how do you manage to grow so fast?” My dad waves at us from his position at the grill, and mom waves back as soon as she has her footing back.
“You say that every time you have to buy me new clothes.”
“I shouldn’t have to buy you new clothes so often. How many other sixteen year olds are 6 '3 and have to order their shoes online because no store carries their size?” She rolls her eyes playfully and tugs on my ear to get me down to her height. I look into her green eyes, the same shade as mine as she leans in and whispers conspiratorially. “Dad has a surprise for you later, but if you want to hang out with Raiden and Josh, you don’t have a curfew tonight.” I look over at the happy couple, and see the slight frown on Raiden’s face and Josh’s jaw is tense in anger. The lovely couple is fighting. I want to intervene, to stand in front of Raiden and tell Josh to lose the attitude, but it's not my place. If Raiden still wanted me around, he would make the effort to keep me.
“Nah, they have plans tonight after dinner. So it’ll just be us. Movie night?” My mom’s forehead creases in concern but she blinks and any worry she had dispels.
“You’ll have to argue with your dad about that, he’s been wanting to watch the new Marvel movie since he got back.” The knowing look she gives me tells me all I need to know. I’m going to pick the movie dad wants to watch, and we’re going to sit together sharing popcorn with m&m’s until mom inevitably falls asleep and dad carries her up to the room after the movie is over.
She leaves me to go talk to dad, and I sit by myself on the back porch swing, my legs dangling off the side and scraping against the concrete with every swish. The citronella candles ward off the mosquitoes but leave a bitter citrusy smell behind that burns my nose with every inhale. The sun is starting to set, the bright yellow fading into deep red across the sky, taking the last little bit of warmth before the cool night breeze begins.
I stare across the backyard, refusing to let my gaze fall to the couple sitting in the fold out chairs by the table. Instead, I watch Ema and Rodney as they talk to my parents and my dad’s friends from work. They’re still the same as always, smiling kindly and talking to my parents about their shared interests. I’m glad that my ruined friendship with Raiden didn’t ruin theirs, even if I am slightly bitter that I was replaced so easily. It must be the only child effect, not having to share anything so as soon as something comes along that I can’t have all to myself, I feel possessive.
Maybe this is normal. Normal for Raiden to focus his attention on his boyfriend. Maybe I only have a problem with it because I’ve never known any different. From the moment I moved next door, it’s been me and Raiden, and Raiden and me. Watching movies, staying up too late playingThe Sims,working on homework. There’s never been anyone else in the folds of our friendship. So to keep the friendship, I need to expand. To make room for Josh to be here as well. That way I can keep Raiden, and Raiden can keep Josh.
But as my eyes catch on them together, I’m not sure how I’ll ever be able to stomach it.
Burgers are done, and we sit around the table with everyone watching the outside lights start to flicker on to combat the darkness bathing the sky. I finish the last bite of my burger the same moment a flash of lighting streaks across the sky, bright and violent. A loud crash of thunder echoes behind it, shaking the ground. The water in my glass vibrates with the momentum. I lift my head to the sky, watching the dark clouds form and feeling the charge in the air as the storm brews. A storm alert rings, the sirens in town blasting their warning echoes and leaving behind an eerie foreboding. There wasn’t supposed to be a storm today– the weatherman predicted it wouldn’t hit until later in the week.
“We need to get everything inside,” my dad says, grabbing the last of the food off the table and racing inside with my mom behind him with the few gifts that Ema, Rodney, and my dad’s friends brought over for me to unwrap. The remaining people grab as much as they can carry, but I stay rooted in place, waiting for the downpour to come. To blow through here and let the flood carry me away.
“Jericho!” My mom says, her voice carrying on the wild winds. I can barely hear her through the roar of the storm. The first raindrop hits my face, the cool water washing away the tears that have been building in my eyes since our first football game, and every moment after. I keep my eyes open, watching the water from the sky pour down in sheets. Thunder crashes in the distance and I close my eyes against the brutal attack of the rain against my skin. Lightning flashes behind my eyelids, the flash of color sudden and sharp against the darkness threatening to overwhelm me and drag me under.
“Jer!” Raiden is in front of me now, my face in his hands as he yanks me down towards him. His face is ashen, his normally bright brown eyes dull and lifeless compared to how they usedto look. Did I do that? Cause him to be this unhappy when all I wanted was my best friend?
“We need to go, there’s lightning and you know it freaks me out.” His voice is shaky and his hands are trembling on my face.
“You can go, I’ll come inside in a minute. Go be with Josh.” He doesn’t need my permission, but something about giving it in this moment feels right. Like I’m letting go of that barrier, of that hurt that’s been festering in my chest from the fear of losing him. I’ve already lost him, and while he’s standing in front of me right now, he won’t be here for long. And I’ve accepted that to have Raiden I would have to leave space for Josh, and I can’t do that.
“What? No. Come on, you’re getting soaked.” I shake my head, pulling his hands away from my face, the feeling of his fingerprints embedded in my skin, just like that first night when we first touched hands. I hold them tight in my palms until I reach his sides, letting them go and taking a step back.
“I’ll be fine.”On my own.The second part of my sentence isn’t spoken aloud between us, but the words are still there. Filling the air and taking space until it's a physical thing I can touch.
“Go… be with him. I’ll be there in a minute.” I turn my back now, my shirt and pants are soaked with the rain but I don't feel cold. I don’t feel anything. His heat is still radiating off him, close enough for me to turn around, to take back what I said, offer up the words thatI didn’t mean itorplease never stop being my friend.But that’s not fair to him, he doesn’t need me holding him back. And I’m not doing myself any favors holding onto something that isn’t mine to keep.
His throat catches, a choked sob leaving his lips, but he leaves me standing here. Soaking in the storm and letting it wash away all the hurt, resentment,pain, and all that’s left in its place is a clean slate.
When I finally come inside afterthe storm is finished, everyone has left and my mom is finishing putting up all of the leftovers while my dad watches her from the kitchen table. My clothes are soaked and I’m leaving a small trail behind me as I walk into the kitchen and take a seat at the table. The air conditioner is running, the cold breeze makes goosebumps break out on my skin.
“Go shower, and then we’ll watch a movie.” My dad says, reaching across the table to squeeze my hand. I glance at my mom and she flashes me an encouraging smile.
A million needles burrow their way into my skin while the hot water pounds against my back and abuses the cold flesh. I thought this would be the fastest way to warm up, but I guess I forgot about the painful bite of hot water after being cold for so long.
“When you’re done, come to the front door.” My mom yells to be heard over the shower.
“Okay.” I quickly scrub my body and wash my hair, making sure all the soap is out before I step out of the shower to dry off. I throw on my pajamas, an old cut off shirt from last year's training camp and a pair of athletic shorts. My feet are bare as I pad through the house, my heavy footsteps thudding against our wood flooring.
My dad is waiting by the front door, and my mom is nowhere to be seen.
“Is this my surprise? Mom left and now you get to eat whatever you want without her complaining about your health?” I’m rewarded with a gentle smack upside my head, messing up the long tresses of my hair that I keep tucked behind my ear.
