“Here we are,” Kaden says, pulling up behind a black Escalade a few houses down from where I made that fateful arrest. “Let’s go see if we made it in time to stop them.”
We both slide out of the truck, closing the doors quietly. A truck like this might draw too much attention in a nicer neighbourhood, but it looks like Kaden put a decoy lawnmower and some gardening tools in the box. If necessary, we can say we’re the landscaping crew, I guess. We both pull our hoods up, instinctively hiding our faces, just in case.
“Nice cover,” I say, pointing to the lawnmower. “Very clever.”
“Oh, haha, yeah,” he says, running his hand over his chin. “I was actually helping a friend with their yard work earlier today. But yeah, it is a good cover story. I bet the people in this neighbourhood would love it if their landscapers would work in the middle of the night. That way they’d never have to see them.”
Walking up to the house, we see Devon standing with his hands in his pockets, eyes focused on the nicely manicured, if somewhat small, front lawn. It looks like he’s had the same idea as us, and covered up with a hat and a hood.
And then I see two idiots running around, dumping something from containers, while giggling uncontrollably and periodically hissing out a loud ‘shhhh’ at each other. Looks like we’re too late to stop whatever idiotic plan they’ve hatched. But at least they’re also not easily identifiable.
Aiden and Johnny are in fine form, from the looks of it. Neither of them is staying on their feet for long, and neither of them is being what I’d consider quiet. I’d say this couple either sleeps like the dead or they’re out of town. There’s no way they wouldn’t be able to hear these two idiots if they were home.
“Hey, man,” Kaden greets Devon with a wave. “What do we have here?”
“Hey Kade. Rhea. Sorry to get you up. Aiden got it in his head that he needed to avenge your firing and I thought maybe you’d like to see it, or stop it, or something. I’m not sure why, I just figured you’d want to be involved.”
I give him a nod of thanks and edge closer to where Aiden and Johnny are working their magic. It would have probably been better if I hadn’t come, but I’m actually really curious what it is Aiden is planning here. He looks to be dumping stuff on the lawn, and running around in a big circle.
“You guys been here long?” I whisper back to Devon, just loud enough that he can hear me over the giggle twins.
“Not too long,” he says back. “Just long enough to realize that no one is home and that they don’t have security cameras. So these two morons should be safe.”
“Hey, baby,” Aiden stumbles over to me, having finally noticed that I was here. “What are you doing out so late, in a place like here? A woman in your condition should be resting.” He smiles and exhales straight whiskey. I blink rapidly, fanning at my eyes, trying to lessen the burning sensation caused by his breath hitting my eyeballs. Thank god there are no open flames around here or he’d be getting a hurried introduction to the fine art of breathing fire. “You’re so pretty,” he says, booping me on the nose.
“Um, yeah, okay.” He’s definitely drunk. And what the hell does he mean by ‘a woman in my condition?’ “I got a call that you were doing something that I might want to see. What are you up to?”
He giggles and waves his arm. “I have a giant penis for you. Come, let me show you.”
“Jesus, don’t say it like that, you idiot,” Devon yells from where he stands with Kaden. “She’ll think you want to show heryourdick, not the giant salt dick you made on this guy’s lawn.”
“Oh.” Aiden leans over and attempts to whisper in my ear. “I already showed you that, though. Right, baby?”
I widen my eyes and give him the universal ‘shut your fucking mouth’ glare, and hope he’s not too drunk to get the hint. He’s fucking adorable right now, but the last thing I want is to talk about him showing me his penis earlier. With him, or with anyone else.
“Okay, I think that’s enough talking for now,” I say while leading Aiden away from a very surprised looking Kaden, and a not surprised at all looking Devon. “Show me this penis and then we can all go home before someone calls the cops.”
I still haven’t decided if I’m going to be the one calling the cops. I probably should, considering how long my only purpose in life was upholding the law, but I can’t help feeling a little joy at the idea of getting a payback at the guy who got me fired.
Everyone else has talked about how unfair it is that I got fired. Talked, expressed concern, yelled, complained, and all manner of other verbal commiserations. Aiden is the only one who has actually done something about it. It’s an incredibly stupid something, but it’s nice to think that someone cares enough to say fuck the consequences, and just take action. Drawing an enormous dick on a lawn isn’t chivalrous in the traditional sense, but it’s the closest I’ve ever come to someone avenging my honour.
It feels kind of nice.
“Oh, yeah, okay, yeah,” he says, stumbling to keep up with me. “I did the balls and Johnny did the shaft. See?” He points to where Johnny is pushing a little one-handled bucket on wheels, leaving a trail of white beside him.
“Is that… is that what they use to make the lines on fields for sports?”
“Yup,” Aiden says, puffing up his chest. “It’s full of salt. This is part of my side-business. I take meaningless, petty revenge on people. Sometimes I also punch them in the face. But usually I just do something like ruin their lawn by burning giant dicks into them, like I did here.”
What the fuck?!
“What? People pay you to do this?”
“What? Oh no, I just call it a side-business. I do it for free. It makes me feel good to ruin an abusive asshole’s day. I suppose I could call it a hobby, but that just sounds so childish.”
“Oh, yes, definitely. Calling it a hobby is what would make this childish,” I deadpan, gesturing to the giant salty dick in the yard in front of us. “It certainly couldn’t be the dick drawing.”
I shake my head and walk to the nearest salt line, part of one of the set of giant testicles. This dick has to be four or five car lengths, at least, and I could lie down and stretch out inside each testicle without touching the outlines. There is no way to describe this other than to say it is a giant dick and balls. It takes up the entirety of the Martins front yard.
