I can’t tell you what happened to me when I heard Hank utter those words. It was as if my entire body felt like a limb you’d slept on.
I was numb yet tingly at the same time, but the tingly feeling felt like little spikes poking me all over my body.
My gut reaction was to laugh because, like hell, Rafael was going to military school. Him? Military school? That was hilarious. He could barely get out of bed before eleven. But when I looked at him and saw his face, I knew. This was real. They were serious.
“What the fuck?” I yelled.
Mom held up her hand and begged, “Please, Cody. We know this is a shock, but—”
“Are you serious?” I asked Rafael.
Silence. He said nothing. He didn’t even look at me. “Look at me!”
Mom rounded the island to caress my shoulder. “Honey, calm down. Look, why don’t I get dinner started and—“
“Is this about the movie? The beach?” I asked.
That got through to him because he finally looked at me. “What?” he asked.
“It was…was it like…too much?” My mind raced with how I could ask him if it got too real too soon, without our parents finding out what I was talking about. “Can we talk?”
He turned away again and played with his pant leg. “That’s not a good idea, Cody.”
“Why?” I was fully yelling at this point. My skin felt cold, and my stomach churned as my eyes burned with unshed tears. It got too intimate. We were sharing a bed, getting closer, becoming something real, and he couldn’t handle it because he was a toxic bastard who I could have killed at that moment. “Tell me why. What happened? I can fix it. We can go back. I-I don’t need things…”
Rafael looked at me with those same dead eyes he had in the car when I said Mattie’s name. The sparkling blue looked more like the pale eyes of a cadaver.
He just shook his head and said, “Cody. Don’t.”
I started laughing like I was insane, and Hank asked, “What’s this about? What’s going on—”
“Nothing,” Rafael blurted out. “Nothing is going on. I hate it here. I hate this fucking house, and everyone in it. That’s why I want to leave.”
Hank clenched his fists and argued, “No, you don’t, Rafael.”
“The fuck I don’t!” Rafael screamed back. “I hate it here, and I hate you,” he pointed to Hank, “and you,” then to Mom, “and—” a garbled sound escaped his mouth, like he was choking on the horrible words he was about to say to me, “and you.”
He said it. He choked on it but still said it, and my heart broke. I looked in his cold, lifeless eyes and said, “You don’t hate me, Rafael. You hate yourself.”
His breath hitched, and the temperature in the room dropped. The air became too thin, and I couldn’t catch my breath. The silence lingered. No one said a word.
I couldn’t take it. I didn’t know what I’d do. My entire being felt like it was crumbling to pieces, so I ran. I ran out the front door and didn’t stop running. I ran until I couldn’t anymore, and when I couldn’t, my body collapsed, and I sobbed on the side of the road.
***
Everyone was asleep when I got back to the house. I had ignored all twenty of Mom’s calls. As I walked up the stairs, I fantasized that maybe I’d walk into my room, and he’d be sleeping on my bed, waiting for me. Then I’d crawl next to him and just sink into his embrace. But he wasn’t in my room when I got there. His door was closed, but I walked over and turned the knob.
He locked it. My head leaned against his door. The tears streamed down my face as I begged him as quietly as possible not to do this. My voice was barely more than a whisper. I’m sure he didn’t hear me, but I wanted to say it. I tried to expel the words from my body so that I didn’t do something foolish like beg him to his face. He locked me out, and he was about to leave. Rafael didn’t want me in his life. I turned around and went back to my room. I didn’t lock the door because I’m not like that. I couldn’t lock my heart away and force myself to ignore how I felt. My door was open because I couldn’t close off my connection to Rafael, and because I wanted so badly to wake up next to him the next day.
Rafael
I heard every word Cody said on the other side of the door. The impulse to jump up, throw the door open, and wrap him in my arms was stronger than anything I’d ever felt.
But I didn’t let myself, because Cody deserved better. Cody needed someone who wouldn’t let go. My angel needed someone worthy of his heart, and that wasn’t me. Eventually, he’d see me for what I was, and I’d lose him.
And I knew that would be worse than the agony of hearing him cry against my bedroom door because I broke his heart.
Chapter 30
