Quentin forced himself to be brave. “To be with you. In—in whatever way I can.”
There were tears in Joel’s eyes. “Quentin,” he murmured.
Quentin felt his hands start to shake. He released Joel’s hand and laced his fingers together to stop them from trembling visibly. He didn’t like the tone that had crept into Joel’s voice.
“I can’t ask you to be in a secret relationship with me,” Joel said.
“You’re not asking me to do that,” Quentin said. “I’m offering, if that is something you want. Would you want that?”
Joel gave a humorless laugh. “I rarely get the luxury of thinking about what I want. So much of my life is controlled by my brand, and my image, and what the record label wants me to be.”
“Forget all of that,” Quentin insisted.
“Ican’t,” Joel said pleadingly. “You have to understand, Ican’tjust forget about that. It’s my reality, and trying to imagine other hypothetical realities will just hurt me—and you.”
Quentin looked away. “I understand.”
Joel grabbed Quentin’s hands again. “Look,ifthings were different, then yes, I would want to be with you. I like you, too, Quentin.” He laughed softly. “More than I’ve liked anyone in a long time, maybe ever. But I just don’t think I can have that sort of relationship. I’ve never thought that I could, and I don’t think that that’s changed, just because I have feelings for someone.”
Quentin felt like he’d been slapped. “I understand,” he whispered.
“Don’t think it’s about you,” Joel said. He sounded miserable. “It’s not. I wish that things were different, but they’re not. It’s the way my world works.”
“Can’t we hope for a better world?” Quentin whispered. “Can’t wedothings to make the world a better and kinder place?”
Joel had nothing to say to that.
“I think maybe you should go,” Quentin said softly. The words almost surprised him. He felt numb and confused. He had been surprised and happy to see Joel, and the conversation had taken a painful turn he hadn’t expected.
“Quentin…”
“Please. I think I just need some space.” He took a deep breath.
Joel nodded. “Okay. I respect that. I’d like to continue this conversation, though, if you are open to it. It’s late right now, and this surprised me, I admit. I think there might be more for us both to say.”
Quentin could’ve responded with an attitude, he could’ve insisted there was nothing more they had to say to each other, but that wouldn’t have been true. The truth was, he cared deeply about Joel, and Joel cared about him. They were in a difficult place where what they wanted, and what they thought they could have, didn’t align. But what Quentin had said was true: he had feelings for Joel, and that was enough for him to agree to Joel’s request.
“I think that’s a good idea,” he said. “I’d still like it if you left, though. I need space.”
“I understand. I have to fly back to Los Angeles for a few days for Ariadne’s lawsuit, and then we can coordinate the next time we’ll see each other. Does that sound good?”
Quentin nodded. He took another deep, steadying breath. “I’ll walk out with you,” he offered. “I don’t want us to say goodbye like this.”
“It isn’t goodbye,” Joel said with a sad smile. “Whatever happens, this isn’t goodbye.”
Quentin dressed quickly, pulling a baseball cap low over his face. It was late, and he doubted there would be anyone out and about who would recognize him, but he didn’t want to risk running into anyone who could identify him and Joel together.
They took a service elevator together to the ground floor, and went to one of the hotel’s back doors.
“Thank you for thinking to surprise me,” Quentin said. “I’m sorry that it didn’t go how you’d planned.”
“It’s okay,” Joel said. He kissed Quentin softly on the cheek. “I’ll see you later, Quentin.”
Quentin squeezed his hand one last time and watched as Joel slipped out the back door of the hotel. “Goodbye, Joel,” he whispered to the shut door. “I love you.”
He stood there for a long moment, regaining some of his composure, and then returned to his hotel room. It was several hours before he could fall asleep.
Chapter 19
