I nod, and he gives Lily a pat on the head before scooching closer to me and putting his hand on my knee.
He purses his lips closed before saying, “It’s okay to cry.”
I’m full-on sniffling now. “I’m crying because…I’m embarrassed…for crying.”
Jae laughs lightly. “Why are you embarrassed? You just told me, like, your biggest secret. I half-expected you to cry tonight regardless.”
Jae gently takes my face in his hands, using a soft thumb to wipe the tears from my eyes. He holds my head like a soccer ball, and it’s not particularly romantic, but his skin is so soft.
“What? Why?” I’m suddenly on the offensive.
“You just look like the type to cry at movies,” He smiles at me.
“Only if the dog dies,” I give him a weak smile and wipe my nose on my sweater sleeve. “So that’s it? No condolences? You’re not freaked out by me crying?”
“Do you want them?” Jae looks at me seriously. “I didn’t know the guy.”
“No. If you say, “sorry for your loss” I think I’ll kick you,” I laugh at myself.
“Riley, there’s really no need to be embarrassed or scared that I’m freaked out. You’re the only one freaking out right now.” He removes his hands from my face and I’m suddenly cold from the lack of warmth. He squeezes my knee before moving to pet Lily.
“It’s part of who you are. I can’t change that, and I wouldn’t want to.”
“It just freaks some people out, that’s all. They find out I was engaged, but he’s dead now, and then they don’t know how to actaround me.” I sniffle again and chuckle at myself.Idon’t know how to act around me.
Jae leans back into his sofa corner. “If you want to talk about it, I’ll listen. I want to know more about you. But I’m not going to pay your rent, no matter how hard you cry.”
“I don’t know how I’m going to ever walk into your restaurant again. You’ve seen me cry.”
“I have already seen you cry, remember? The day I moved in.”
Fuck. He did. Too late to be embarrassed, I guess.
I do a gigantic sniffle and hand him the remote. “You pick. Guest’s choice.” Before I know it, my eyes are growing heavy, Jae’s wrapping a throw blanket around my shoulders and my head is on the couch cushion next to his lap.
The first time I wake up, my head is fully resting in Jae’s lap, although there is a throw pillow between us. Lily is at my feet. I twist my head gently, and Jae’s head rests in his hand, propped up by the arm of the couch, his eyes closed, sleeping quietly.Howl’s Moving Castleplays at a low volume in the background. I don’t know what time it is. I close my eyes again.
The second time I wake up, I am in my own bed, alone.
Not knowing how I got there, I ask myself what happened last night? Where’s Lily? There she is.
Lily is sleeping soundly on the far, right corner of my bed, nothing seemingly out of order. I check myself quickly. I’m clothed. I’m unharmed. I feel fine. Where’s Jae?
I clamber out of bed, blankets falling to the floor as I do, and wander into the kitchen. The television set is turned off, only the light above the stove on. Nothing in the house seems amiss. I notice a note left on my kitchen counter:
Riley,
Brought you to bed around 2:30. Going home. See you later, J
I ponder the implication of“brought you to bed.”Did he carry me? He must have. I don’t remember waking up and walking. I was never a very heavy sleeper…maybe I was more tired than I thought.
I sit down at my island counter and hold my head in my hands. What did I do last night?I knew I had a big, disastrous cry, but Jae had comforted me and told me it was okay. That’s the first time anyone had told me that in all my years of grieving, not even at group therapy. Everyone was always against crying, no tears allowed. It was always:
“Oh honey, don’t cry.”
“There’s no need for tears.”
“You’re okay, don’t cry.”
