“This isn’t medical,” he whispers with a tiny laugh. “Stan, life is short, and second chances rarely take place. I think you know that better than anyone.”
I look away. My chest is all wound up again.
“But something scaring you into thinking you might make a mistake…” He nods at the curtain. “That doesn’t mean youwillmake a mistake.”
I breathe out slow. “Right.”
“Don’t talk yourself out of something that could help you heal,” Idris adds.
“No promises,” I say, sliding off the bed.
He stands, patting my shoulder. “Not asking for any promises. Keep being yourself. You can make my brother talk. You can break Em’s readings. Pretty sure you can do anything.”
Huffing out a laugh, I feel myself warming up to that belief. “You sure you don’t moonlight as a therapist?”
“I’m sure about that.” Idris chuckles. “I’m not confident I’d make a good therapist, but I’m confident in being your friend.”
“…with benefits?”
He levels me with a look.
“Okay, okay,” I admit. “Bad joke. Ignore me.”
Idris shakes his head, still smiling. “Stan, you’re alright, really. You’re doing better than you think.”
“You think I can actually do this, huh?”
“I think you’ve already started,” he says, stepping toward thecurtain. “Let’s get you back out there before both of them assume you flatlined.”
“Honestly, they wouldn’t be wrong,” I mutter, following him out. “I think my heart gave out for a minute.”
He laughs under his breath while we go back out there, and I find Nil’s eyes on me. Instead of listening to my heartbeat going crazy, I smile at him, showing him I’m okay. At least, for now.
***
Most of the day’s passed, and the gym’s the last place I should be right now. But I’m here.
I hate this place. There’s mirrors everywhere like the ship designer had a personal vendetta against me. Like they saw Ma’s haunted home office, where she forced me to do unthinkable things, and said, “Yeah, let’s stick with this. Retraumatize Stan. That’ll do him some good.”
Groaning, I keep trying to look anywhere else, but every surface keeps throwing my own face back at me like a handsome jump scare.
But the thing is, no one comes in here. Why would they? The actual food’s in the mess hall and nobody wants to work out a sweat when there’s a free buffet and better Kys being handed out.
Aside from access to the showers, the gym’s become storage for treadmills and weights. I’d work my feelings out, but I don’t trust my mind to focus on doing anything safe right now.
No one’s here. Which is perfect for me. I don’t feel like being the stand-up comedian on this Kys cruise tonight. Usually I don’t mind. But, after that heart-to-heart with Idris, I needed somewhere quiet where I could think without anyone expecting things from me.
So here I am. Sitting on a bench, eating my third protein bar instead of a proper dinner.
These bars taste like cardboard. But everything else on this ship comes with people, and I’m not up for people right now.
Idris told me I’m doing better than I think. Now I’m using some time to think better. But thinkingsucks.
Right when I take a bite of granola that might actually be cardboard, someone walks in.
“Stan?”
Nil’s voice hits me like I got caught stealing something, when—let’s be real here—he’s the one stealing things fromme. My breath. My heart. My soul.
