He glanced over at me. “When you said you were worried about your rent—”
I gasped and then froze.
“—I paid it for the rest of the year, so it’d be easier on you. That was me telling you I love you.”
Blinking rapidly, I inhaled shakily, fighting the sob that threatened to burst out of me. “Thank you. I just… you never said anything. You never took credit. I would’ve thanked you a long time ago!”
“I didn’t need to be thanked. I just needed you to be taken care of. I needed you to be good. So, I know it took me a minute to say it out loud with my words, but I’ve been letting you know this whole time with my actions—the actions you knew about and the actions you didn’t.”
I felt emotionally overwhelmed in the best way.
To be seen, cared for, and considered was the ultimate show of love. For me, it wasn’t about big, over-the-top grand gestures. It was being protected, being chosen, and being loved out loud despite what anyone had to say. His love wasn’t loud. His love was genuine. He anticipated my needs and delivered—not because he needed me to know it was him but because he needed me to be taken care of. He didn’t do it for credit. He did it for me.
With my throat constricted with unshed tears and stifled sobs, I whispered, “I love you.”
He glanced at me before bringing my hand to his lips. “I love you, too, baby.”
We arrived at my place and Lamar walked me to my door. I tried to convince him to sleep in Richland and then go to practice from my place. But the coffee had him wired, so he felt it was best to get on the road. We kissed, and as he said goodbye, he reminded me that he was coming back that night after practice.
I was on cloud nine.
I arrived at school early but not earlier than the photos of me and Lamar kissing at his game. From the first few students in my firstperiod to Ben and Alexa alternating between texting me and showing up at my door, I didn’t need to check social media to see what was going on. But come to find out, it was everywhere. The school buzzed with questions and excitement as the photo of me and Lamar floated around with his caption:Mine. Later that night, I created a whole new public social media account. I chose a different picture from our double-date night and posted that with a cute little caption and made sure the comments were turned off. And then I posted my first official statement:
Having so many people make negative comments about me and my relationship because they don’t think I deserve to be with this man because of my size reminds me of those bullies from childhood. As a fat person, everything you do is perceived through a negative lens. Being fat is often equated to being lazy, ugly, unhealthy, and overall not good enough. And while that isn’t true, I realized that there are so many people projecting because they hate to see a fat person happy or in love or successful or confident—especially if they believe those are prizes for thinness. If someone is thin and unhappy, unloved, or unsuccessful, they feel like they paid their dues (by being thin) and have earned happiness, love, success, and the right to be confident in a way that a fat person hasn’t. If they aren’t thin, and they are unhappy, unloved, or unsuccessful, they feel like the amount of fat on their body is what is stopping them. So when confronted with the image of Hollywood Anderson happily in love with someone like me, it shakes the foundation of what they believe to be true. But that isn’t a me problem. If that’s how you think, that’s a you problem. And until you fix it, it’ll always be a you problem. Be kind. And if you can’t be kind, be quiet. And if you can’t be quiet, be gone.
And for those asking if I can fight, I can.
Go Monarchs!
epilogue
December 31
The announcement of our relationship had prompted some intense attention for two days, and then a cheating scandal rocked the Alabama Alligators, and everybody shifted gears and was on that. The last couple of months were a whirlwind of games, WAG events, commuting back and forth to Baltimore, and making the decision not to renew my teaching contract after the school year ended in June.
I went to every game except for the Monday-night one, and Nina and Russ made sure I looked good in my RLF attire. Aaliyah and Ahmad made sure I had blocks on my phone and computer so my algorithm didn’t pick up any negativity. And Lamar made sure I was loved, taken care of, and supported every single day.
I was good. I was happy.
But I spent the last few days of the year thinking about how it would’ve been nice had I finished my list. Even though I knew that Aunt Addy had known that it was an impossible task, it was on my mind as the year was coming to an end. So, as I opened my final letter from her, I was a little disappointed in myself for not getting it done.
Jazmyn,
It’s the eve of a new year and I know a lot has changed for you. I’m congratulating you in advance because I know you’ve completed your list. I’m looking over your entries now and I can’t help but think of all the ways in which you’ve reconnected with yourself. Learning to swim, getting your belly ring, and dyeing your hair for the little girl in you who has healed from being taught to shrink and hide herself. Trying vegetarianism to prove that you can do hard things, you can go without, you can change itup. Getting a tattoo to remind yourself that pain doesn’t last. Exploring a new city had you embracing the unfamiliar and expanding your horizons. Writing your book and finally giving yourself permission to chase your dreams. Going to a Monarchs game to do something you love. Going on a date with Lamar and finding true love. And lastly, finally paying off your student loan so you can go into the new year free.
Paying off your student loan is the only entry on your list that you struggled with. From the moment I made you write it down, you were hesitant. And while I understand why, let me tell you why I wanted it on your list.
I want you to be fully free. And part of that freedom is financial freedom. Your student loan is your only debt. Once you are unburdened by debt, you are able to move in a different way. You are able to live life on your own terms. You are able to pursue your goals and dreams. You are able to buy instead of rent. More of your money is yours to live the way you want to live.
So here is the banking information for an account that I had Monica help me establish for you. In it you will find thirty thousand dollars to pay off your student loan. If you somehow already managed to pay it, use that money to publish your book and let this be the last school year you teach literature instead of being part of literature.
Because you deserve it.
Everything you went through in Chance, everything you went through in your marriage was not in vain. It was preparation for the life you’re about to live. You are a woman who stands up for herself, whose worth isn’t determined by bullies, who doesn’t take shit, who doesn’t crumble under pressure, who knows her worth, who isn’t willing to compromise herself for a title or a position. Because of everything you’ve been through, you are a woman who doesn’t settle. And I truly believe you survived the bad stuff early on so that you can appreciate and handle the blessings that are coming your way,
I want you to have the happiest, fullest, freest life, Jazmyn. I want your life to be adventurous, interesting, and full of the love that you have inside of you. I am so proud of the woman you are and the woman you will continue to evolve into. And it’s been an absolute honor to call you my niece and love you like my daughter. So please, never stopfighting. Never stop fighting for what you want. Never stop fighting to be free. Never stop fighting for love. Never stop fighting for Jazmyn.
You deserve it all, sweetheart.
