This was one of the best summers of my life and that is all because of you. I appreciate you being here for me more than you know. I enjoyed this time with you and I am thankful you chose to stay with me. I would’ve never asked you to do it because I know how you feel about Chance. You deserved so much more and so much better than this town ever gave you. Growing up here, I got to experience the magic of this place and the charm of the community. And I hate that you were denied the opportunity to experience that because of jealousy and hatefulness. I choose to believe you endured that in order to ensure you got out of here because so many people don’t get out. So many people stay right here and settle. And the last thing I ever want you to do is settle—in any area of your life. I am so proud of the woman you are and the woman you will continue to evolve into. Now I forbid you to mope, mourn, and wallow. Intentional happiness means to be happy on purpose. Do things you love, be with the people you love, live a life you love—intentionally. So please, never stop fighting for yourself. Never stop fighting for what you want. Never stop fighting for what you deserve. And believe me, you deserve the world.
The lists we created, and all the things we did from the lists, are reminders of who we were and who we are, what we’re capable of and what we can control.
For instance, I can’t control death, but I can control how I go out. The last thing I have to do on my list is my party. This is my farewell party. So the reason I never talked to you about it is because my party is my memorial service. Because I don’t want a stuffy, sad funeral. I want a celebration of life. I want a memorial. I want to go out with a bang.
I’ve planned everything, so you don’t have to worry about a thing. Everyone can work together to execute it. The directions are on the second page, and I want everyone to come together to make this party happen. But under no circumstances are you to let Richard or Miranda choose the photos. I love them, but you saw the pictures they’ve chosen to put on social media for my birthday the last few years. The one from this year, I looked like I had been turned every which way but loose, and they posted it anyway. So photo selection duties are on you and you alone.
I love you.
Sincerely,
Your Aunt Addy
PS: Take a little bit of my ashes and spread them somewhere I’d get a kick out of.
I called Lamar first, and he offered to leave practice so he could drive down to be with me. I told him not to because of the distance, but also because on the heels of a loss, leaving practice wouldn’t be a good look. Next, I had a three-way call with Aaliyah and Nina, and they also offered to drive down. I told them not to since they said they were coming down for the service. And then I waited in the living room with my parents until the pastor came to pray and the funeral home came to collect her body.
“Aunt Addy wants…” My throat constricted and my eyes watered. I started over. “Aunt Addy wants to be cremated. She wants this to be a celebration of life and a farewell party. She left specific instructions for us to follow.”
Keeping my page of the letter in the envelope, I passed the party directions to my mom, and she read them aloud.
Through tears, we smiled and shared light laughter at theover-the-top extravaganza. She knew the estimation of how much everything would cost and left cash for us to be able to take care of it all. Over the next three days, we were able to make Addison Payne’s farewell party a reality. Everything she’d wanted, we got. Although we wanted to have the service on the following Saturday, the event space was available only on the following Friday—eleven days after her death. The décor, the caterer, the live entertainment, and the pastor were all scheduled. Everyone had their roles and responsibilities, and once I completed everything I needed to do for the party, I helped my parents pack up the house.
My parents and I stayed at Aunt Addy’s house for the next three days while we got things together. It was the first time in a very long time that we’d spent that much time together. We talked, mostly about Aunt Addy, but also about how Aunt Addy had impacted us. There were a lot of tears shed and a lot of sweets consumed. But the entire experience of packing up the house and reconnecting with my parents was cathartic and healing.
Outside of a couple of texts to show proof of life, I hadn’t spoken to anyone since calling the people closest to me on Monday to let them know what happened. It had been a few days, so I knew I needed to call Lamar, Aaliyah, Nina, and the principal at a minimum.
I’d planned to do that when I left Chance on Friday morning. But I chose a silent drive instead.
The anticipation of her dying, watching her die,thathad been torture. That had broken me down. But her being gone left me empty. There was a hole in my heart, in my soul.
I got home, took a shower, and climbed into bed even though it wasn’t even four o’clock yet. I wasn’t necessarily tired, but I didn’t know what else to do. I just wanted to disappear for a little while and start over the next day. I was all cried out. I was mentally exhausted, but my mind wouldn’t stop running.
I woke up a few hours later and remembered Aunt Addy had given me an envelope to open when I returned home. I checked my voicemails as I headed over to the dresser. I picked up the envelope, pausing when the two messages from Lamar played. Just hearing his voice moved me.
I should call him. Is it too late?I glanced at the clock.Eleven o’clock? He might be asleep. I’ll see if he’s awake after I read this.
I opened my aunt’s second letter.
Jazmyn,
You are in love.
You just sent me a picture of you and Lamar on Sunday and you two look so good together. I couldn’t stop smiling! I’m so glad I got the chance to witness you happy and in love. Look at the date. I don’t know if I’m going to make it to the end of the month, so if you’re reading this, that means I’ve already gone to glory and there’s no sense in being mad at me or Lamar or Gwen. With that being said, I have a couple of confessions to make.
First things first, I sent that photo of you and Lamar to Gwen. And then we sat on the phone for thirty minutes talking about the two of you. She told me Lamar was going to be in Spring Hill on Tuesday for her grandbaby’s birthday. So…
Second, I talked to Lamar on the phone. Gwen called me when he arrived and put him on. I told him I wanted to get to know him. I told him how extraordinary you are, but he already knew that. I asked him to take care of you because I could see that you two shared something real. He agreed and said he would. Based on the conversation, my assumption was right: he loves you. I asked him not to tell you about our conversation because I wanted to tell you myself.
I didn’t tell you immediately because you’re still in denial about your feelings and I’m still rolling my eyes every time you say he’s your friend. I wanted to meet him and tell you how much I love him for you, so you’d never have to wonder what I would’ve thought about him. And I didn’t tell you because you don’t need my approval. You don’t need anyone’s approval.
I hope you realize it soon because life is short.
Now I need you to make some promises to me.
Stop being scary. Walk in your power because everything you’ve been through has made you stronger. Be honest with yourself and be exactly who you are because you are so amazing and deserving. Do not make yourself small or shrink yourself for anyone or anything. Stand loudly and proudly in who you are and whose you are.
Do not feel guilty about being happy. You deserve this.I’ve wanted you to be happy and to thrive for so long, and it would be a disgrace to me if you tried to suppress or minimize or feel guilty about your love because I’m dead.
