“This is going to be really hard, Jake. I mean, how are we going to get these kids through this? I don’t know how I can do it myself. It’s just unbelievable, you know. One minute he’s here, andthenext…”
Luke struggled for control, but it was a losing battle. “How do you go on when your world has crumbledaroundyou?”
His brows furrowed as he tipped his head in my direction. It was as if Luke had just realized he’d inadvertently personalized the question towards my own formerlycrushedpast.
“I didn’t mean, like, I was trying to get advice from you because you know what it’s like to….” He stopped himself, looking miserable. “Anyway, it was a rhetoricalquestion.”
“Yeah, Igotthat.”
“You know the thing I keep thinking about over and over? It’s not Sydney and Riley being orphans or my parents having to bear the loss of their son. All I can think about is that I don’t have anyone to call a brother anymore. Brothers are like… well, you know… it’s just different. You’re connected in ways that are hard to explain. I always took for granted Miles would be there for me… that I could call him up if I was having a bad day or needed advice, but now he’s gone and I… I just don’t have a brotheranymore.”
Luke’s body shook from the force of the realization and I felt the pain right alongside him. There was a time in my life where I thought I’d lost everyone I loved. The despair was raw, and I was filled with so much regret for what could have been. As luck would have it, I was given a second chance, but sadly Luke never would. I reached out and gripped hisshoulder.
“I know I’m not Miles, but I’ll be your brother whenever youneedone.”
13
Casey: RunawayTrain
The weird thingabout life was that it just kept moving on. I watched the days pass by with little interest. It was times like this that I was grateful I was an accountant. There were no emotions in numbers. You could always count on them to be there when you needed them. When it came to work productivity, I’d never been quicker or more efficient than I was now, in the throes of grief. The faster I worked, the more files flooded my inbox, and I attacked them with vigor, feeling nothing but gratitude for their steriledistraction.
After spending four weeks with my family, I returned to Jake and the tour. Although he’d been ready to call it off altogether, my mother made him promise to continue on like nothing had happened. But somethinghadhappened and now everything was different. The joy was gone. I stopped going to Jake’s concerts. The excitement of the crowd, once the source of much enjoyment, now rang hallow to me. How could anyone be happy in a world where my brother no longerexisted?
I cried a lot now. Sometimes it was as little as a swelling of tears in my eyes, but other times it went all the way up to gargantuan crying marathons that lasted hours and involved anyone unlucky enough to cross my path. Usually that personwasJake.
Although he was outwardly supportive, I could feel him pulling away… or maybe it was me pushing him in that direction. I wasn’t sure if there was a difference, really. Either way, I felt the distance between us as if we were separated by oceans. Intimacy was a thing of the past, as I couldn’t seem to coax my body into feeling anything but numbness. The last time we’d tried, I was more like a limp rag doll than a vibrant young newlywed wife. It wasn’t like I wanted it to be that way, I just couldn’t come up with any way around the pain that stabbed into my heart on an hourlybasis.
The ‘Fun Time Leader’ that the crew had counted on to brighten up their stops along the way was no more. The magic was gone, and each city blended into the next in a haze of monotony. I began wandering, sometimes for hours on end, just going wherever my feet would take me. The first time I wandered, it caused a panic between Jake and his security crew, so now I was assigned a bodyguard ateverystop.
Today’s trek had led me to a quaint Main Street in the old part of town where I found a comfortable Deli and Bakery with an outdoor seating area. Glancing around my surroundings, I took in the sight and smells; young and old alike were milling around, waiting for their thinly sliced meat on fresh baked bread. I’d found myself here after a good four-mile walk. At least it was good for me. Poor Dom, today’s reluctant bodyguard, was currently resting his weary feet at a table off in thecorner.
His bald head was flushed crimson, and droplets of sweat raced down his face like rain on a windshield. It was clear he wasn’t used to getting this type of cardio workout. Or maybe it was just the duration of walk that had done him in. After this hike, he was sure to ask for reassignment. What did I care? If Jake insisted on having me followed, then his cronies had damn well better be able tokeepup.
A screaming toddler pulled my focus off Dom. Good lord, the kid had a set of lungs on him. I watched the young mother with interest as she tried to get her offspring in line. But he wasn’t having any of it, and threw his body onto the floor in a display of unmatched fury. Instead of inspiring me to move away from the tantrum, the boy’s rage actually brought a smile to my face. What could possibly be so terrible in his little world to warrant such areaction?
With her baby girl in one arm, the mother attempted to right her small charge, but he’d taken to arching his back in protest. The woman glanced at me, blowing a strand of hair out of her eyes. I smiled at hersympathetically.
“You like babies?” she asked, ready to hand hers off to me.I don’t know.Did I? I used to love children, but now even they held no joy for me. “This looks like it’ll be a two-handjob.”
I held out my arms for her. Why not? What else did I have to do? Besides, Dom needed a breather before I led him back to the stadium. The moment the warm little bundle was placed in my arms, I felt an instant thawing of my steely heart. The baby peered up at me, her eyes so filled with wonder at the world around her. Her innocence captivated me. I ran my finger along the top of her nose and the baby reached up to grab it. I beamed at the sweet thing. The mother looked up from the deep negotiation she was having with her toddler to check on us. Again we exchanged smiles, and she resumed the taskathand.
Returning my attention to the baby, I was surprised to see she was still watching me intently, and I wondered what she saw. I could only imagine how unimpressed she must be. But then again, maybe babies had superpowers that we adults just overlooked. Maybe this baby girl could see past the sadness. Maybe old Casey was in there smiling back at her. The thought gave me a surprising measure of peace. I was still me; wounded,butme.
Feeling lighter than I had in weeks, I made a fish face, mugging for my infant audience until she let loose the most adorable giggle I think I’d ever heard in my life. It was music to my ears, and for the first time in a long while, I laughed. Holding this treasure gave me a feeling of pure, unbridledhappiness.
Suddenly I understood what needed to be done to turn this out of control train around: I needed a baby. Jake and I needed a baby. It was the only answer that made sense to me and it had been right in front of me all along. So what if Jake hadn’t worked out his issues with being a father? He could always just learn on the job. We could do this. I could come out of this tragedy intact. All I needed was one ofthese.
I hadn’t even realized I was crying until the baby’s mother stared at me inalarm.
“Oh,” I smiled, wiping the tears away. “Sorry. She’s just sobeautiful.”
The tension eased off her face as I handed thebabyback.
“Are you all right?” she asked, her forehead furrowed inworry.
“I will be, in about ninemonths.”
* * *
