Giving Dom a break,I allowed him to call for a ride. I needed to get back to Jake as quickly as possible. If all went as planned, I’d be on my back within the hour. Jake was in the bus with Sean going over the night’s playlist when I burst through the door. His eyes widened in surprise at the sight before him. I wassmiling.
Sean looked between the two of us and excused himself. Once he left, I flung myself on Jake, kissing him all over. And instead of asking me a series of questions, he just accepted the sudden change for what it was: a welcomerelief.
“You’re a breath of fresh air,” he said, working his lips around the back of my neck where he knew it drovemewild.
“I feel good, babe. I finally figureditout.”
“Figuredwhatout?”
“How to recover fromtheloss.”
Jake extracted his lips from my skin and appeared every bit as interested in my magical cure as I had been at thedeli. “How?”
“A baby,” I said, nearly clapping out myexcitement.
“A baby?” he queried, with none ofmyglee.
“Yes. A baby,” I confirmed, grabbing his hands and pulling him onto the sofa with me. “Hearmeout.”
I went on to explain what happened at the deli and the reasoning behind the decision, and although he didn’t seem entirely convinced, Jake didn’t veto the plan either. Not that he really could, anyway. The last couple of months had seen a shift in the balance of our relationship. While we had once been equals, the power now tipped in my direction. His whopping hang-ups, which had always ruled our world, had all but taken a backseattomine.
I told Jake that the pain I felt on a daily basis was like a heavy fog that couldn’t dissipate because there was no sunshine to scare it away. Babies were sunshine. I spoke of recovery and happiness, something that would come when I had my own child to dote on. And surprisingly, Jake hung on my every word, the hope in his eyes a telling sign of the weeks of struggle we’d experiencedtogether.
Of course, I understood that was why he was being so pliable with my idea in the first place. He was ready to grab for any rope I dangled in front of him. My poor husband just wanted peace back and was willing to sacrifice his own well-being for the sake of it. If I was promising him a better, less stressful life, he was inclined to slurp up the Kool-Aid I waspouring.
“If that’s what you think will make you happy, Casey, I’m willing to try. But you have to do something for me then… actually a couple ofthings.”
“Okaywhat?”
“No more wandering. And you and I need to start talking again like we used to. We need to be the pair we’ve always been. If you can promise me that, I will do my best to give youababy.”
I wrapped my arms around him as tightly as I could. That was a deal I was more than willingtomake.
Saywhat you will about my ill-conceived notion that a child was the answer to life’s problems, but trying to conceive had started the healing process, even if it was only one tiny baby step at a time. My mind wasn’t constantly consumed with death anymore, and I was able to venture back into the world. I returned to the sidelines of his concerts and took joy in his successes once again. And as my mood improved, Jake took notice, and our playful banterreturned.
That didn’t mean there wasn’t any more crying, because there was, lots of it, but it seemed more manageable now, like there was a beginning and an end to the sadness. Things were still hard and the setbacks all-consuming, but now I knew I could survive this. I was stealthy enough to move through this world until my strength returned. And with Jake by my side, Icouldn’tfail.
14
Jake: AScreechingHalt
Ichecked my phone.Dammit. I stepped up my pace. There was an ovulation chart to take into consideration, and I’d promised Casey I’d be back in three hours. Unfortunately, there’d been label bigwigs in attendance, and I was expected to kiss their asses for a reasonable amount of time after the concert, so by the time I was able to leave the venue, it was already pushing four hours, and Casey’s window of opportunity was closing… according to her, notscience.
Casey was probably already lying in bed waiting impatiently for me to deposit my seed. She’d expect me to be locked and loaded the minute I walked through the door. I sighed. There was nothing sexy about baby making, at least not the way we were doing it. But failure was not an option. I had to put a baby in her stomach, or all hell would breakloose.
Cringing, I thought about our earlier encounter. I hated arguing with her. Usually I was able to hold my tongue, knowing she didn’t really mean the things she said these days. But sometimes Casey just got to me, like when she tried to coerce me into making a baby an hour before I was set to perform. Snapping at her the way I did only made things worse, though. It brought on another one of her marathon crying sessions – which I hated even more than thearguing.
As much as I didn’t want a baby, I hoped to god she got pregnant sooner rather than later because I knew she wasn’t capable of withstanding the myriad emotions that went along with one failed conception after another. After all, this was the woman who’d begun an ovulation chart the same month we started trying. She was leaving nothing to chance, which meant if things didn’t go her way, the progress we’d made in the last couple months would be all fornaught.
Believe it or not, this was progress. After her brother died, Casey stayed behind with her family as I continued on with the tour. I was making plans to cancel the whole thing when Linda talked me out of it. There was no point in me sitting around miserable, she’d said, when I could be on the stage making other people happy. It was what both she and Casey wanted, so after a two-week hiatus, I returned tothetour.
Casey joined me a couple weeks later – a broken woman. She floundered for weeks before hitting upon her plan for a baby. Initially I’d been reluctant, but after we began trying, her mood improved, so I jumped onto the baby train feet first. No matter that I had a deep fear of being a father; my issues had long since taken a backseat to hers, and I gladly focused my energy on her recovery instead. Still, I hated that she was questioning my loyalty. I had never once given her any reason to doubt it. Giving up on her was not anoption.
My phone buzzed in my pocket. I purposely ignored it at first because I assumed it was one of the crew with a problem, and I wasn’t turning back around. But then I worried it might be Casey, so I pulled it out of my pocket and checked the screen. Luke. Fuck! Why was he calling me? He only dialed my number when things had gone to shit and he wanted me to relate theinformation.
I drew in a sharp, ragged breath before forcing myself to answer. “Hey,Luke.”
“Hey. Is Caseywithyou?”
